SarangHaeYo Means I Love You
by Scheherazade Nabokov
Summary: Thrown into the world of Popstars, A young girl is forced to grow up faster than she wishes as she tailors to the wishes of DBSK and Super Junior. She leaves everything she knows behind for this. Will she find a way to go back to how it used to be?
1. Prologue: Kun Shou Zhi Dou

**Prologue: Kun Shou Zhi Dou (Duel of Trapped Beasts) **

_Beauty, strength, charisma, perfection. These are all the things that will make a person. You must have all of these qualities, else wise you will fail at all aspects of life. This is the recipe for success. Take good care of your looks, speak only the things that people want you to speak. Study hard, get good grades, become a perfect living doll. Do what people want you to do. This, is what life is like._

But I don't want to live that life. I want to be able to make my own path, I want to be able to create that world there yonder. The one that no one sees but me. I want to share it all.

And yet, I sit here, playing the dumb doll.

Just like they want me to.

** Factor the following equation and solve for x**

**x2 bx c**

All people in this world are after one thing, there's no denying the fact. We're all born with the innate ability to cry for attention. However, that ability either wanes or strengthens over the years. Those who happen to hone their ability to cry for attention to an art have become the celebrities that we as a society pay thousands of dollars to watch and to entertain ourselves. The others, who have commanded their attention to the books have become the great scholars, the professors that educate our nations. They are the ones who become the politicians the people with the book smarts, the people with all the knowledge of the workings of the world. There are yet even others who have honed their attention getting skills and changed it into a coying charisma. The ability within them to speak out and console the crying, the tattered and the broken is great. These are the people who can cope with the stress and the great burden of tasks such as doctors or surgeons. These are the people who have strengthened their nature to attract attention; they are the ones who have honed their nature to a precise weapon. A weapon that they can wield against the real world.

And yet, there are still others, who cannot do any of this. There are others who have become the internal fighters. The ones who have no charisma, no innate ability to speak out it seems. There are the people who hide in the back, who are afraid to cry out for help. These are the people who have given up on their ability to call for attention. The people who feel that they are worthless. There are others, beyond them, the people who have never nurtured their nature to call for attention to themselves. Rather, they seek attention in other forms, these are the people who have nurtured a different nature within themselves; the nature of art. These people change the world, fascinate the population with paintings, poetry, words, these are the people who refuse to sell their body for the world, rather, they take the ultimate bullet, and sacrifice their mind and soul.

And yet. I am none of these. An anomaly is what I am, something that doesn't fit. I've lost my soul somewhere on the process of becoming someone great.

**xcy z... y zbx**

Somewhere, I had lost sight of what I had really wanted. Which is probably why I sit here where I am now, above all the others who had applied. I had lost sight of the thing that keeps all other people going, and in this loss of sight, I had found a false light. A light that I had thought would bring me towards the end of the uncharted, dark, and dismal forest, however, that light was as fake as the people around me who had clawed their way to get this job.

I suppose I'm at fault for this. I was so damned determined to save the people around me that I forgot to look out for myself and the hole that I've dug. Now, all that's left for me to do is to claw my way back up to the land that I knew so well.

**Thus... x2 yx zx c...**

There are time in which I wonder if it's alright for me to do this. Those are the times where I want to run away from it all, run away from the fate that I had chosen for myself. It was I who wanted to be the writer, the artist, It was me who wanted to see the world with words. It was my own damned fault that I'm here.

It's cold. Cold and dreary in this clean white room. Hopefully my crash course Korean lessons during the last year of college have proven to be good enough to work me though. If not, I can always just bullshit my way through this interview, after that, get another job, and hopefully just make it by without having to be in this foreign country without a visa.

After all, this is just a paid internship right? There's nothing to really lose to it. All the other girls in this race, we're all surviving for this chance to get the one thing that all people want from the attention that they attract: money. That's what we're all here for. Some can claim it's their 'passion' but it's a lie. It's just a facade to show off how much smarts one person has. It's nothing to be happy about if one wins this. This is just another battle of trapped beasts within a confined room. We're all clawing away at each other to get a simple job as a designer.

Why did I even do this in the first place?

That's right. To make people happy. That's what I always end up doing, and always, I'm the miserable one at the end.

"Yashi Liu, the president would like to see you now."

_Smile like a winning saleswoman, grin as though there's nothing wrong at all. Sit up straight, show no fear... Say what they want to hear and mean it. Don't B.S. your way out of this one. You need it more than those other girls. It doesn't matter how you get this money. Just get it. And mean everything you say, no matter how opposed you are. This is the way of life. Come, let's rock this bitch._

The room was cold instead of comforting in the dead of the summer. The air was stifling instead of free flowing as it should be. I couldn't think straight, but at the same time I had to. Perhaps these people would forgive me for majoring in art and just get it over with by not hiring me. I already missed home. Why did I drag myself into this?

"Miss. Liu, pray tell, why do you believe that you deserve this job as a personal clothing designer for SM Entertainment's biggest groups?"

"Well, quite frankly, I'm not the lawyer, nor am I the engineer, no mathematician I am, however, I do have something that the previously said people do not and that is the creative mind to warp any ideas into a beautiful visage or a poem of choice. I'm the writer, the artist, and it is my passion to do things like this. The people before me, they may have the talent, they probably have the passion as well, but they don't have the touch to do it as I do. I cannot live a day without thinking what great works of art I can create for people to wear. Quite simply, I deserve this because I am the slave of imaginations and the seamstress of the world. If I can have anyone wear my designs, whether it be your groups or you yourself, I would be perfectly content."

"You're saying that you're not after the men that you are to work for?"

"After them? I'm after their bodies of course."

Crap. That came out bad. Really bad. And here I thought that my Korean was doing well. Come on Yashi, this is the final duel, any more mistakes like that and there's no doubt this money will be given to someone else.

"In the sense that they have the perfect figure to display works of art that is. I suppose I should make myself a bit clearer. I'm sorry, but I'm still learning my Korean, so you will have to excuse me if my language is a bit bad at times."

"Quite on the contrary, it seems as though you've studied hard to learn it."

"It's not my first language, I'll say, and it was hard to learn, but it was worth it in the end."

**So... (x2 yx) (zx c) ...**

"Anyways, as I was saying. What qualifies you to work for us? Other than the passion that you have? Your portfolio's quite impressive, however, I don't see how you have the personality to do such an arduous job."

"Well, quite frankly, I don't know what kind of personality you're looking for. If it's going to be someone who works hard, then you've got the whole package right here. I'm not too great with the language just yet, however I will learn. If you're looking for another pretty girl for your company to just simply sit there making white T-shirts all day, I suggest you go and hire another girl rather than me. I personally prefer my designs to be involved."

The man chuckled, his old, worn face crinkled into a smile. "I can tell you're quite a sarcastic one too."

"I prefer 'facetious' rather than 'sarcastic' it sound more gentle."

"You truly are an English major aren't you? Though, I must say... your designs are quite good. Why didn't you major in art instead?"

"Probably because I thought I was good enough as a side job."

"Well... It's good enough for us. Welcome aboard the crew of SM Entertainment."

"I appreciate it."

"Don't thank me. Thank your talent."

There was something about his face. Something about the way he spoke and the creepy smile on his face that made me not want to trust him. Something about the way he just seemed to smirk at his new hired employee. It was as if he was waiting for something in me to break.

_Don't fight it. Don't break. That's exactly what they want you to do. You fall and you'll be in their trap of continuous hellfire. Fight it off as much as you can, Yashi. Just smile and pretend that they don't exist for now. There's nothing that they can do about your upbringing, from what you've read about the company, there have been plenty of American born stars. Just don't give into that deceiving smile of his._

"Ah, but it was you who hired me. I should thank you for giving me a job for the talent that got me here."

"Ah... right. I must say this though... because of your ah... nationality... and because of where you are, I must say that it'll be rough. You know, not that many people are too... ah... fond of foreigners. If you catch my drift that is. We can call for them to be nice, that doesn't mean that they will be however."

The room's temperature seemed to drop with those words. It was as if I was being plunged into a bucket filled with ice water and relentlessly being pushed further and further under until I drowned from lack of oxygen. It was as if I was slowly being deprived of any human like qualities due to the fact that I was simply from a different country and not used to the culture.

Damn it. I knew I should have been born Korean.

"I think I'll be fine as is. I'm interested in seeing how things work out."

"Very well. Congratulations, out of the three hundred girls that applied, you are the one that we hire."

"You make it sound like it was some kind of reality show to get onto here."

"In a sense it is. All the other girls who applied seemed to have a passion as well... but not for clothing, rather, for the sake of ah... how to put this nicely..."

"They wanted to have sex correct? You shouldn't be so formal with me sir, I am from the states, things like this happen all the time where I used to work."

He chuckled again, that same mischievous chuckle that seemed to be hiding a lot more than what he wanted. "Very well, from this point on, your information belongs to us. You are not the ethnicity that is written on your birth certificate, rather you are a Korean, you will never disclose your real name, rather, your name from this point forth will be Hana, simply Hana. You will not be allowed to be called any other name unless people ask for the truth. Are we clear?"

"Yes."

"Very well, sign here please and you will start tomorrow. Welcome aboard... our new designer. DBSK and Super Junior will be grateful that such a talented girl like you will be working with them."

"Yes."

_Scratch, scratch, scratch... _

_Just keep smiling, it'll only be a year of this fake life and then you'll be able to go back to writing with your best friend. Just a little more and you'll be able to work as you used to. _

**However: (x2 yx) (zx c) / a2 bc **

It was at that point of the interview, right after he took the contract away that I felt this dreadful feeling inside of me. Dressed to the nines with an elaborately tailored suit to fit this occasion that I had spent hours upon hours of my life on previously before this, I had my hair curled and cut, redyed back to its original black color, from the vibrant blue that I once had, an old memory of my more innocent days, make up caked itself onto my face, I worried at one point on whether or not it would crack. And it was during that point, that I felt ... dirty, as if I didn't belong here, as if I were something that they had hired to toy with for another year, drain my body and brain until there was nothing left but a soul less husk.

And yet, I played along.

"Congratulations. Please follow my assistant, she'll be showing you to your new quarters."

"Thank you."

"It's my job."

"Right."

**Therefore: x2 bx c no real answer**


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1: Fen Lie (Split)**   
  
You know, it's funny how there are just some conversations in life that don't make sense... or at least some that make you wonder if what you're doing is the right thing... the memory of that one last conversation that we had before we had to go. It's funny how it's still so clear, and how it can still bring tears to my eyes when I think of it. Here I lay, thousands of miles away from my best friend in the world, in foreign territory... all for the sake of some fame and for the sake of money. How foolish could I get? Then again, how else was I supposed to live? Freelancing never brought in anything near enough to patch over our bills, and our writing wasn't going together too great. I really had no choice... but to sell my soul to the devil... 

The devil in the shape of that Korean man who had given me his business card.

It wasn't long after I had graduated from College when it happened. I guess my portfolio had gotten to places that I had never expected, Korea was definitely one of the last places I would have thought of. Not to mention to a big company such as SM Entertainment. What a surprise that was when I got this random guy at my door!  
The rest of that day was a blur, I remember getting a request to work as a designer there, and I remember turning it down, everything else was moving so fast that I had no idea what I was doing. Taking the job meant big money for me and not to worry about anything... but... taking it would also mean I had to leave my best friend in the whole world... I don't know what I was thinking then, but who knows... I ended up here anyways... and she's still probably pissed at me.

It's funny...

How words can hurt the soul more than any physical wound...

And still... here... I lie...

In this foreign country...

Living for a year to meet the expectations of these men...

And to get the money that I need to succeed.

It's funny...

How that one conversation with her...

That last conversation... 

Made me feel worse than anyone...

I killed her... 

Her spirit...

I suppose it's only right for her to hate me forever...

All that stuff they've said about me, 

How I'm such a good person...

How I'm such a wonderful girl...

Bullshit.

That's all it is... 

It's funny...

Just so damned funny

How horribly guilty I feel...

And how much of a hypocrite I am... 

I remember so clearly telling myself...

That I'd never...

Never...

Split the two of us apart... 

And yet here I am...

Apart.

Split.

Damned. 

It's funny...

Isn't it?

So funny, that's it's almost ludicrous how clearly I remember that conversation... 

"_Hey... Uhm... I.. I gotta tell you something..."_

Sunday, June 30th, her birthday... we were lazily lounging in the living room of our little townhouse

"Uh huh... yeah.. what is it?"

"I Uh... I'm gonna be moving to Korea for a year... to get us some money...so uhm... the plans about our next big book---"

"Wait ...WHAT?!"

I knew this was how she was going to react... but how else was she going to find out? I couldn't just go up and leave here and now... that would just be too harsh. This, this was the gentlest way I could do it.

"I... I'm moving to Korea to get us enough money so we can get by as a designer..."

"You're kidding right?"

"..."

Silence. I hate it sometimes when all that's left in a conversation is silence, when the person is processing thoughts and feelings. I hate it, it gives the air such a stifling feeling, as if we're slowly being suffocated by invisible hands that grasp at our necks, slowly squeezing the life out of us.

"Right?"

"..."

More silence. I can't help it. It's just what I HAVE to do. Can't you understand? This is what we have to do if we want our dreams to come true... this is what we have to sacrifice.

"Tell me dammit! If this is some kind of sick joke you're playing---"

"I'm not..."

If only it WERE a sick joke... then we would be laughing at this point, we'd be rolling on the ground, giggling until our sides hurt from the joy and the tension being broken. But we're not are we? We're not... we're stuck in this suffocating standstill. 

"So... so all these years that we've planned... all those dreams that we were going to grab... everything..."

"I'm sorry..."

Odd how every time something goes wrong the words 'I'm sorry' make someone think that everything will be alright in the end. But what use are those two words when one knows that they aren't going to do anything... but to make the situation worse. Why is it then... that they are always the first words out of one's mouth? 

Why?

"You're SORRY?! Is that all you can say?!" 

"Leigh... please... understand... I-I can't turn down this offer...we have so much that we could do with the money... I can't turn it down..."

"But you can turn down our friendship can't you?"

The venom dripping from that sentence sent shivers down my spine. It was then I realized how cruel I was to leave her behind, to leave the friendship that we held so close to our hearts, I realized then, how much this decision was going to affect everyone's lives. Everyone that I knew... not just Leigh, but all of my friends that I won't even have time to say goodbye too... It was then, I realized, that I was a selfish person...

"Leigh..." 

"Look... don't talk to me right now..."

"Leigh... I'm sorry... you'll still be my best friend forever though... I won't forget that... and I promise... I'll be back... and things will be the same as they always have been..."

"You do know... that this... is going to change us forever right?"

A pause, the silence that lets realization set into the brain, it lets the emotion catch up with the logic. This, was the worst part of silence. Whoever the hell said that Silence was Golden must have been some bastard who never had to go through all this pain. The guy probably never had to break bad news to anyone at all. Damn those people who were blessed with luck and didn't have to make a hard decision ever.. 

"Things will never be the same again... You'll be gone... and things will change... don't think they'll stay the same for you... but we will be waiting... we will..."

"I know..." 

I didn't want to cry... I never have wanted to cry, especially not in front of my friends. Tears are a symbol of weakness, the universal symbol of being weak of heart. I hate tears. And yet, they cannot stop, they will not stop flowing, coming from my eyes as I say goodbye to the people that I have known for so long. I cannot stop these tears.

"The split... that you're creating between all of us... I only hope that you know what you're doing Yashi... I really do..."

"... I hope so too Leigh... I'm sorry... I love you all... I really do... I'm sorry..."

It's funny how easy one can make friends, but leaving them... leaving them is always the hardest thing to do. To say goodbye to all the memories that one holds dear to the heart... that is the most heart wrenching thing to experience...

It's funny...  
  
That I'm still alive...

And lying in this bed, in this foreign country. I cry. I weep. I sob.

Everything and everyone I know... Is gone.

Thrown into this new world I am to make it on my own talent that had been scouted, I have to make them proud, all of them back home, so that when I come back... We can all smile again, and laugh, and joke... so we can all be the people who we were before, and not the ones that we were forced to be once we got to college.

The split has been made...

And I wonder... 

How much longer can I live...

Before I commit suicide from homesickness.

I wonder...

If I will have the strength to go on...

And make it through...

Dear God... I have never had a lot of faith in you... but please, just this once. Grant me my wish... and grant me the strength to carry out this task.

Please...

I've already bloodied my hands with Leigh's soul...

I don't want anyone else but myself to suffer...

This split...

Is all my fault...

I'm sorry...

I am.


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Si Mian Chu Ge (Attacked From All Sides)**

"What kind of bullshit design is this?!"

"..."

"WELL?! Why don't you answer us?!"

Yunho, the leader of the group and obviously the most obnoxious one of the lot of them. Five freakin' thirty in the morning and I get this call from him in my apartment, that was my current lodging thanks to SM Entertainment, and I get this lovely love note from the leader of one of the groups. Isn't that a lovely thought to wake up to?

"... Sir... if you could tell me what's wrong with it."

"What's wrong?! What's WRONG?! For the love of all things holy, you expect our group to WEAR these god forsaken pieces of SHIT?! You want us to look like fools don't you?! You want us to go out there in front of billions of our fans and you want us to go and make fools out of ourselves for wearing these pieces of crap don't you?!"

"Sir... I assure you..."

"You will assure me NOTHING. We have a concert in a week and I want every single one of these costumes remade so that they are functional."

"Sir... have you even tried the costumes on? If you did---"

"I don't need to try something on that I KNOW will make me look like a fool..." 

"Yunho... you're overreacting.."  
Another voice on their side of the line. A person perhaps with a sense of reason that will snap this guy out of his fury. Seriously, I thought God gifted people with reasoning for a purpose... guess this guy just got the short end of the reasoning gift...

"Listen... I have no idea who the Hell you are... and why the hell you're even here... I will tell you this... You're not welcome here... someone like you will never make it... you're too young and all you're really after is one of us cause you're a hopeless romantic and couldn't get a boyfriend in high school so you're trying to get one here! Well I'll tell you this much, we WILL crush your spirit you pathetic little excuse for a designer..."

Wow... NOW who's overreacting? Seriously, what a bunch of hypocrites.

Oh well, nothing I can do now eh?

I got myself into this, I'm the only one who can dig myself out of this hole.

"... Sir... I do believe that this is not the time for insults..."

"SHUT UP."

"I beg your pardon sir!"

"Just shut the hell up you whore! Now if I remember correctly, we've got a concert that we need to get to in a WEEK and I expect that we have better outfits than the ones that you have given us." The voice hissed on his side of the line. 

From the sound of it, it was Jaejoong, the pretty boy of the group. Who knew the guy could be such a bastard? From what my fangirl friends, he was supposed to be a soft spoken nice guy. Eh, guess it's all a facade in the end... Celebrity status can do that to you. 

What a bunch of spoiled bastards they are.

"I don't care what you do, or how you do it. Just get it done. Understood?!" 

"... Yes sir.."

Silence and the beep of disconnection.

What a lovely way to start my day.

Well now, this is a lovely predicament that I had gotten myself into. First off, how is it that my designs could be horrid? I'm a genius! A brilliant genius! There is no way that they could hate it. They were simplistic, elegant and perfectly maneuverable in! My designs are flawless! Absolutely flawless! How dare they believe that I could have botched up! I spent hours upon hours on those outfits. Second of all, how dare they think that they could go and call me those names?! 

Am I not human as they are?

Do I not have eyes?

Do I not have hands?

Why... is it that I am attacked so? Is it because of my origin?

Is it of my sex?

Whatever it is... it bodes not well.

Well, tis another day of work and another day of listening to complaints like this. Up and outta... time to go, up up! Come now lazy body! To the shower! Shower! Make up! Make yourself the pretty little slut that people will think you are! Come now! Come come! Deceit is the only thing you have going for you! Come! Let them think you are meek and stupid! Let them think you are nothing! Let them think! When you KNOW you are better! Come come! Now, time for some drab garb! Yes, just like that... just like that... and now... to go and face the world in a subdued state.

I look like a stupid doll.

But let them think that, I only need to do this for a year. Pretend that I am one of them, or so my contract says, pretend that I am a full blood Korean (when in truth I am a proud Chinese-American), to pretend that I know nothing of them (when in truth I have done all the research I can on these men to avoid any mishaps and political arguments), to pretend that I am nothing but a stupid, stupid person who came to work for the sake of money (when in truth, that is half right, I may have no money, but I know I am a brilliant play write and authoress at that, damn them bastards and their constricting conditions). I must live a lie for a year, and pretend to be nothing but a stupid doll.

What I would give to at least give up the make up part at this point.

What I would give if I could be blessed at least with the money to live with.

What I would give for someone else to be in my position.

Pissed is an understatement to my feelings at that point, but bear with it I must and stomp away towards the studio to fix the outfits I have to. All for the sake of some green pieces of paper known as "USD" to those of us from the states. Or 'won' or something like that for those who are from Korea. Dammit... I knew I should have paid attention to those lessons.

Oh well there isn't too much I should have needed to do to fix the outfits... all they should need are couple of stitches here and there, some hemming in some bits and pieces at the most... I shouldn't need to spend _that_ much time on them.

Or at least, that's what I thought. 

Until I saw the carnage that was the studio.

Oh God, revenge my death! Oh earth which blood drink'st revenge my death! What kind of cruel soul could have done this?!

There, all five outfits lay, tattered, torn, ripped, mutilated. No wonder the boys thought they were pieces of crap... they weren't worth too much more than that at this point. But why, why of all things, my work? Why not sabotage the boys? Aren't they the ones that the anti-fans are after? Or... perhaps... it's me...

"_Maybe... it's just me that they're after..."_

Yes... that's all it is... that's all that I can think of, why else would they do this to clothing of all things?

All those hours spent here the past two weeks...

All those days spent pricking my finger,

All those tedious moments where I wished I could pick up a pencil to write.

Everything that I had worked for tirelessly without the help of anyone else for they were busy with the creation of the 'big anniversary concert' of their seventh year together as a band. Funny, even their youngest member is older than me by two years... and yet... and yet, they act as if they were still in grade school with the way they are so spoiled. The way they are so blessed and given everything they want, it makes you wonder... if they even care about what happens to the clothes in the end of their concerts.

I wonder... if they ever shed a tear over something that happened that didn't directly affect them...

I wonder... if they have icicles for hearts...

I wonder... if they could ever understand the way they were before, before they became famous...

I wonder...

"Now do you see why we could never wear pieces of crap like that?"

That voice. That dreaded voice of a superior. The horrid dripping voice of someone who wishes me nothing but despair and death. Okay, maybe that's overstepping it a bit, but no doubt theses guys hate me. 

"Sir Yunho... I assure you that this was not what I had intended for your band's clothes to look like at all... Someone must have slipped in... in the middle of the night... and vandalized ---" 

"I don't want to hear any of bullshit excuses. I want results. If the new outfits aren't done by the end of this week. We will have you fired."

He did not just cut me off... talk about rude. Then again, who ever thought of teaching these guys manners? They're celebrities after all.

"Yes sir..." 

"Heh, if someone came in and vandalized the place, how come nothing else was touched?"

"I-I don't know Sir Changmin..."

Leave it to the youngest one to have the sharpest eyes and point out the obvious, the people who came in here obviously targeted me for some odd reason. Probably because they want me to go home... if only they knew my predicament... if only they knew. I'd be happy to leave this hellhole, if it weren't for my tight money problem.

Accursed me and having almost no skills outside the art world.

"You don't know because you did a crappy job, that's why."

"Yes sir Jaejoong..."

"You better do a damned well job by the time the concert rolls around or you're out of here."

"Yes sir.."

"Ah, time for us to leave. Have a good day Miss. Yashi."

"I will." 

Bullshit, they just wanted to ridicule me.

And thus with those lovely words of consolation about my dearest masterpieces that are now, literally in pieces. Their once gorgeous visage now torn, ripped, slashed at, defaced, destroyed, and some even half burnt. The cruelty of some people make me wonder, if it is the primal instinct of protecting the image or the reputation of the company. I suppose whoever wanted to sabotage me meant to break my spirit.

And break it they did.

This would be the time where anyone would break down and cry. Who wouldn't want to? Hours upon hours of work amounted to this, a pile of something that cannot even be salvaged. And yet, I cannot find it within myself to cry.

For I have not another tear to shed.

I cannot, for this is what I had brought unto myself. And this is what I must carry for the sake of going back, and seeing my dearest friends' smiles once again. 

Besides, sorry is an enemy, and it would usurp upon my watery eyes and make them blind with tributary tears; then, which way shall I find dear Revenge's dwelling?

Yes, revenge, this I vow to these cocky men who have nothing better to do other than to tease and prod at one who has only done design for the sake of a hobby. Revenge, yes, how sweet that word rolls off the tongue as I begun to fix the clothing of display.

Revenge, the word itself bodes so many evil thoughts, but I will strike and I will show them how brilliant I am else... else... I shall never come to peace with myself. No, I will not, not until all these taunts and mischievous deeds have been returned.

Yes... this is my vow.

Dear sweet revenge, do you hear me?

This is my vow, and it has been made.

Oh sweet revenge, how I come to thee I will embrace you in my embrace by and by.

This is where my challenge truly begins, the battle between the ones who wish to break and the will to stay strong and live through this.

Dear God... please, will you hear my plea even though I have never really believe in you before?

I want to be a stronger person than before. Not just the friend who would be there and carry all the burdens, but the person who can stand alone and do it alone. The person who doesn't need support, I want to be the person who can make things right again.

Right the way they were before we were cursed with this problem.

Please, grant me this wish... 

Please... I don't want to die of loneliness here.

I can't.

I have too much to do.

And fixing these clothes are the first things on my list.

_Knock knock knock. _

Dear god no... don't tell me... the other band I'm supposed to look after is pissed off at something too. Dammit... why me of all people? 

_Why?_


	4. Chapter 3

_**Chapter 3: Ge Qian (Stranded)**_

_Knock, Knock, Knock..._

"Dear god... the Devil hath come to take my soul." I murmur as I open the door to the underworld itself. "Who is it?"

"I take it as you met your charges?"

Oh, manager, this can only bode unwell.

"Yes, I have." Was all I could mutter to the older man who was in charge of my whole life for the next twelve months. Well actually eleven and a half months. The first two weeks of my life had been wasted away in the creation of the pile of rags that I see before me.

"Well that's good, you should know, that their apartment is right above yours, and your other charges are your next door neighbors."

"Well, that's a lovely thought. Is there anything else I need to know?"

How much more do these guys want to torture me? Do they not have enough? Do they not have what they want already? Is it not enough that you want me to suffer by doing everything I have all over again? Is it not enough that I am stranded here in the middle of a country that I have never been to? Is it not enough that I have to deal with these immature excuses for professionals?

Is it not?

What more do you want upon me?

"Yes, here's the consolation prize for surviving two weeks here." The manager said handing me a package that was quite heavy before leaving the room with his usual pompous gait and his nose stuck up slightly in the air as if he was better than the lot of us who are in the back stage.

The package contained something I didn't think I'd get to see for quite a while. Something that I had itched to see and use for the longest time since I got here.

A laptop.

"Oh dear higher beings above... if I have ever said I hate you... please forgive me..."

Finally, a chance for communication! A way to keep in touch! Oh great lords above, laugh at me, ridicule me, do whatever! I have my way to live!

But first thing's first, I gotta finish these outfits first. They aren't going to do too much if they just lay there like a bunch of turds.

But starting all over would take too long, what to do... what to do. Come now, use that brilliant mind of yours! Black, brown, and a bit of silver... Cut out the black and burn the brown... Okay... now what... Silver... accents, good. Okay now what?

Man... this is like staring at a blank piece of paper when I start writing. Ideas all over the place and everything's in place, but the question is, how to put it all together.

Wait.

Blank.

White.

That's it!

Black and white... It's genius! That's right, I'm back and I will have my revenge. You can't break me. No, no way you can. I will come back and you will shudder at my brilliance.

Yes... we'll use white denim... and accent it with silver and black ribbons... use what we have now. Indeed, that's what we'll do. Screw the vampires that drink blood. Y'all will just have to deal with MY version of vampires. That's right, the vamppies that eat SOULS. Those pretty ones that you never see, the kind that suck the soul out of people, the very essence of life. Screw blood, that's for losers. 

Losers like you guys.

Y'all don't deserve the honor of being such beautiful creatures of the dark.

Even if that IS what you do.

Suck the soul of anyone that you meet. 

Congratulations, DBSK...

You have earned my undying hatred.

Stranded and alone I may be... but think little pathetic pieces of meat... think. We are the ones who make you who you are. We, the designers, the stylists, the coordinators, we are the ones who make you the famous people. Without us, you are just pieces of talent, locked up in little tiny towns.

Funny if you think about it no?

The thin silver needle and the fine black thread is all that I need for comfort right now. I need no one, I need nothing but my work. And when it is all done.

Revenge and victory will be mine.

All mine.

And you shall cower at my feet as the pathetic little slaves that you are.

I will work for you. Only because I have to.

But expect no more from me... other than perfection and the personality of a rock. 

Indeed.

I will let you think you have won...

I will...

But now that I have a dear little invention known as the lap top.

My life is complete.

I no longer have to deal with the lot of you and your sickening attitudes, I can escape and find my way once again to my paradise known as... writing.

Yes, life is so completely well.

The bands of deep midnight black against the stark white stand out so well, just like how bruises stand out against pale skin. Just as verbal wounds to the heart hurt more than any physical wound.

Hours, I need hours... Screw time, I hate how seconds tick away, how they become minutes and the minutes create the hours that melt away when I work.

Ah. 

Nighttime already?

No...

Not possible.

I only finished one outfit!

And it's still not perfect yet. 

Damn.

I suppose all I can do now is protect this will my very being, yeah, take it home with me. I can't have anything bad happen again to these pieces of fabric. It'll cost more than a job, it'll cost my future and anything dealing with it.

My dear dead mother...

Now I see why you wanted me out of the art world.

Well too bad.

I still love it, even if it is a bitch to deal with...

Because.

This is my passion. And you can't do anything to stop me.

Even if your guilt lays heavy on my heart.

All I can do, is move forward.

Forward, to the horizon that looms ever closer.

Home. Funny I would call this place even that. It's so cold, so uninviting. How I long for the self painted walls of our old little townhouse. How I long for the cozy decorations of the place I know the best. But home this place is... I have no where else to go.

At least I have the comfort of the Internet. At least I have that.

Hmm... maybe I should actually log onto my CyWorld and angst out to the world. Leigh'll check that place out for sure... And if not, then my angst will be out there and not bottled up.

Which is always a bad thing...

Ooh, I should write in Korean and make the people who are reading that think life is all happy and good... and then I should write horrible nasty things in English! Genius Yashi! Genius! 

**July 20th, XXXX**

KOREAN:  
Well, I have to say, life here is quite interesting. The people here are attractive, for the most part, and the lively personalities never seem to have an end. I'm booked and swamped with so much work! So much to do and so little time to do it! Oh my, oh my!

Ha ha, I sound like such a dork, but really! I'm having so much fun living here! The language is hard to learn... but I think I'll get the hang of it soon.

I hope to meet lots of friends here!

Oh... Let's see... I think I'm going to go and put up some of my poetry here! Yeah! I like to write a lot! So I'll put the stuff that I write here!

ENGLISH:

BULLSHIT. That's all I have to say to this place. It's a hellhole of Assholes all over the place. One moment I have finished something that's amazing and something I pride myself in, the next moment, it's sabotaged to the point where it's no longer recognizable to the human brain.

Bunch of envious bitches who probably want my job or something...

Well I will tell them this much.

I am much harder to snap than they think.

And I am here to stay. 

Hmm... since this is only my first entry... don't expect it to be so dismal, I just wanted to get that all off my chest. Now that that's all over with, anyone who reads this can expect more prose and poetry from me.

I AM a playwrite and authoress, I pride myself in that. But first and foremost, I am a horrible friend. So Leigh, if you are reading this...

I'm sorry.

I promise to come back as soon as possible, and then we can write together as we always have.

Love, Yashi Mogami.

/end entry.

There... that feels much better. I can sleep happy now... speaking of sleep, I should get some... I get the feeling that tomorrow will be a busy days.

With eighteen lords to look after... I have the hunch that the work that needs to be done will be hindered by something...

Dear God... even if I haven't loved you a whole lot before... please... let me live through this trial... 

I have too much to say to the world to die here.

Way too much to say.


	5. Chapter 4

_**Chapter 4: William Castle (Wei Lian Gu Bao)**__   
_  
Another day, another trial, another outfit. The hours melt when one has fun does it not? Much like how time drips off when concentration is high and the atmosphere tense. It has been a while since I've been able to work like this. Away from all distractions in my little corner. The shuffling of cloth and the soft sound of the sewing machine humming is so comforting.

The minutes tick past me as if they do not exist, the sway and the flow of time never ceases as the minutes melt away to hours and hours to more hours, and those hours into shifts, those shifts into days and so on and so forth. Until the days pass away themselves and a week has gone by. Through my eyes in a blink of an eye it seemed.

Then again, did I even sleep this week at all?

I think I did... probably three hours worth somewhere in between Wednesday and Friday.

The damned outfits are finally done.

Concert's soon, gotta work my ass off if I'm gonna keep this damned job.

Not that I really want it.

But hey, the paycheck's nice. And I need that.

Damn you money and your corrupting ways in life.

Concert day:

Dear lord... 

I have never seen such chaos.

Screaming, yelling, pulling hair.

God forbid anyone light a match in hair and makeup...

There's enough hairspray to give someone cancer and cause an explosion from anything near the boiling point temperature. 

It's like a fight gone on crack or something. And all for the sake of five little pretty boys and their little dreams of stardom coming true and then all their loving and adoring fans screaming at them. When in truth, they don't remember, nor do they WANT to remember any one of them.

All THEY'RE after is the money. 

Poor, poor screaming, screeching fans, it's so sad that they'll never see you, never really care how much you love them, never even know your name.

Sure, they'll read your fan mail, they'll be nice and go to a select school

But seriously, get real.

They don't care.

All they want is to feel love, to feel supported, and to feel as if they're on top of the world. 

The sad thing is.

They are.

"DAMMIT! YASHI! GET YOUR ASS OVER HER ALREADY!"

The way the shout carried itself, it could only be the whiny, lazy little bastard that the world knows as "Micky Yoochun". Little bastard can't even seem to put on a shirt right.

"Yes Sir..."

Purposefully I drag my feet, to seem as if I'm too tired or something, (the worst part of it was that I was quite exhausted from their demands, but hey, what do they know?) before I get there. "Is there anything I can do to help you?"

"Yeah! Why the hell did you make something this good when you're pressured and when you've got all the time in the world you come up with something that looks like it came out of the crapchute!"

".. Sir, I must say... I had made something better than what you had been greeted with earlier this week. However, the clothing was ruined by some unknown source. But that is beside the point. Is there anything else I can help you with?"

"No. Now stand aside while we have to go and work our butts off."

Damn. Are all men like this? Completely conceited, cocky, arrogant, bastards that have no feeling and are narcissistic beyond all belief? Cause if they are, I might just not try to associate myself with them unless I have too.

Too bad, I have to right now.

Damn.

"Ladies and Gentlemen! Thank you for your wait! We now present to you! Dong Bang Shi Ki!" 

The screaming could be heard all the way from where we stand, and we're in the basement. Heh, funny how 'love' works. Too bad it's never real.

Too bad it doesn't last.

The little screen that shows us what is going on outside during the concert glows with fireworks and explosions as the boys make their entrance. Their entrance filled with smoke, fog and Halloween-esque music plays.

And there they are, the bastards that had made my past few weeks a living hell.

Those bastards... that I can't seem to take my eyes off of.

So beautiful their form, the grace that they carry themselves with, the simple movement itself is poetic, almost sad it seems.

And there they are, looking like princes in the clothes that I had spent hours upon hours creating, dancing, singing, sweating, doing the thing that they love the most. 

It's heartbreaking.

How beautiful they are, how gorgeous they look in those outfits that would look ridiculous on anyone else. How perfect they seem in the clothes that I had toiled and nearly killed my hands on from dangerous sewing machine incidents and stray pins and needles.

How they get all that fame, all that love.

And we, we the ones in the back, the ones who worked so hard to make them so beautiful...

We are the ones who get nothing.

_It hurts... doesn't it? _

Yes, yes it does.

_You hate them don't you?_

Kinda hard not to hate them for what they've done...

And yet...

_And yet?_

I can't help but admire them... For their ability to go in front of so many people, against those who might even hate them and do whatever they want.

Because they love it...

_Tell me... what it feels like..._

It feels like having every feeling that you had as a human being ripped apart into shreds, to have your heart break and then mend itself... only to still have large gaps an pieces missing. 

It's like when you live for someone so extremely dear that you would willing sacrifice your whole life, your whole future for them.

Only to have them turn their back at you.

And not want you.

It feels like that.

The feeling of being unwanted.

The feeling of rejection, of being unloved. 

That is the feeling.

_Tell me... what will you do about that? _  
Nothing. 

Nothing can be done.

Music continues to play in the background as the concert continues, and I, lost in thought. The hours tick by and soon, there is nothing left, it's ended, it's done, finished, over with and there is nothing left but to clean up after them.

Thank God that's not our job.

"Come on! Onto the party!" one of the co-workers shouted and grabbed my wrist, dragging me out of the stuffy room filled with sweaty clothes and make-up in disarray and towards the limo in which I was near unceremoniously thrown.

"What party?"

No one told me about any party. Then again, leave it to the people who hate me to tell me _anything_ in the first place.

The car ride was filled with idiotic banter and chit-chat about nonsensical things that I would rather not hear. From a conversation about what kind of 'hawt chick' would be at the party to the conversation about the latest fashion trends and what colors suited the men best. Things that would do nothing good save for rot the brain of thinking cells.

The restaurant itself was filled with pompous pricks and their finely dressed pet birds commonly known as a 'date'. Dimly lit and filled with booming music, the party that I had been dragged with was escorted by a scantily clad waitress to a back room where there wouldn't be any disturbance from the fans that might be in the room.

Wow, celebrity status also means special treatment.

Almost forgot that factoid.

"And what can I get you guys to drink?" The waitress asked sweetly, the name tag on her finely endowed breast stating that her name was 'SungYo Kim'. The girl twirled her pen with a practiced finger as the men (and the few women scantily spread out along the table) mulled over the thought of what their poison of the night would be. Calls of "Vodka!" "Soju!" "Whiskey!" "Margarita!" Obviously no one was going to be feeling good tomorrow morning... And then, it came to me, my turn to order. 

"Uh... Fruit punch?"

Silence. What? Is there a problem with wanting simple juice.

"Nah! You don't want that!" Yunho exclaimed loudly, slapping my back. "She'll have a Strawberry Alexander!"

Oh, that son of a bitch did NOT just touch me like a friend. He will PAY when I get back to that. And what the HELL did he just order?! Whatever, I'll have my revenge, eventually, one day... and they'll be sorry.

Ooh.. lookit the pretty drinks that everyone ordered. Ooh, look, there's mine. Well, that's a lovely shade of pink-orange-red whatever-the-hell-this-is-supposed-to-be. This cannot be good for my liver, or anyone else's liver.

Oh well, I suppose one sip wouldn't hurt anyone now would it?

Hey, this stuff is pretty good... despite being horrible for me. Whatever, I can indulge myself can't I?

"So, tell me... What did you think of the concert?" One of the members asked suddenly. I look up from my drink, nearly choking from the cold liquid hitting the back of my throat at a fast rate that could not be safe for anyone under the age of twenty-five, to see it was Junsu who had asked the question. 

"It... was alright, I don't think it could have gone worse or better. It was a perfect concert, just like how the lot of y'all are perfect." Was the reply that I gave the older man.

"Oh? Us? Perfect? Trust me... we're far from that." Yunho said with a laugh lounging comfortably in on the booth that the lot of us were sitting in. "I dropped out of school, so did Jaejoong, and I used to smoke. Isn't that a lovely thought for a singer?"

"But it doesn't matter now does it?"

"Oh? How so?"

Crap, am I getting in a fight? Well, a couple of stiff drinks like the ones before me can do that to someone, maybe I can just pass it off as being drunk and then I can be my good old sarcastic self for a while. 

"Hey, yo, waiter, one more of these things for me alright?" I asked the passing waiter before going back to the question at hand. "What do you mean 'how so?'?" I snorted, mocking him bluntly. "It doesn't matter how flawed you are, your fans will love you no matter what. And you'll get the love, the fame, the money that goes with it. You'll get almost everything handed to you on a silver platter. All you have to worry about is keeping your current voice in top shape, not dying, and doing whatever people tell you to. Isn't that the best life anyone can ever have..."

"Ouch... burned..." Changmin chuckled from his seat, sipping the drink in his hand. "But from what we've heard, you're not too much better off from us, after all, you're working for us. And we're the ones who will tell you if you're going to be fired or not. We're the ones who can and most probably will, make your life a living hell."

"Well, isn't that a lovely thought? I think I'll do that. I need this job more than you think. And I've got someone waiting... for me to come back. I've got too much to do than to think that just because I'm living through hell now, that I can't go to heaven later."

"Deep words for someone four years junior."

"Well, what did you take me for? An uneducated twit?"

A few more sips. Man, liquor's good when you get somethin' good.

"You give off the air of one."

"Well I'll tell you this, I ain't and I will tell you this, I'm more brilliant than all of y'all combined probably. I will have my revenge against y'all for making me suffer. Trust me... one day.. y'all will cower from my brilliance."

"Oh? And how will you do that?"

"Easy, without us, you're nothing but a bunch of pretty boys who can sing a couple of notes. Without a good design, your fans will hate you, and we'll humiliate you too."

A bark of laughter from the boys.

"Someone's drunk."

"I am not!"

"Oh yes, you're totally drunk. But if you insist that you're not, why don't you answer this question?"

"Yeah, whatever. Whaddya want?"

"If you hate us so much... Then why are you here? And seriously, with your accent, it's obvious that you're not from here, despite what your resume says. So why don't you tell us? Hm?"

It was then when all the memories of everything happy started to resurface, the memories of everything that I had to throw away for the sake of this job. And the most of all, the memories of the few true friends that I had.

But they were gone.

And I'm still here, stuck in this hellhole.

It was then, when the floodgates were let loose.

And I cried, as I never had in years.  
For the loss of something so dear never really hurt so much until someone pokes at the festering wound.

For the pain of those last words hurt more than any wound.

They won't stop, the tears, the sadness, the sorrow of having to say those words to the friend that meant so much to me, the overwhelming thought of never getting out. The fear won't stop. The fear of never finding anything but hate in the world.

I don't remember much else of that night.

I remember the sobbing, the crying.

I remember a comforting hand somewhere...

Somewhere...

From a place that may have sympathy on my poor, pathetic soul.

Thank you.

Whoever you are.

And then, the world was black.


	6. Chapter 5

_**Chapter 5: Heart's Rain (Xin Yu)**_

"_Hey... do I know you from somewhere?"_

"Yeah, we met at your friend's birthday party the other year..."

"Oh yeah... now I remember... you're that really, pale girl..."

"Oh, thanks. That's the only thing you can remember about me?!"

"I never even got a name, of course that's the only thing I can remember! You were whiter than her wall!"

"Oh great... isn't that a lovely thing to notice... The name's Leigh."

"Hi Leigh! I guess we're in the same creative writing class eh?"

"It would seem th---"

"OH MY GOD! Look Leigh! There's Yaoi on that wall!"

"WHERE?!"

"See?! Jyckle and Hyde! There! On the wall!"

"Oh.. My.. GOD You're RIGHT!" 

Funny how things like that work. How friendship can be built from a simple meeting in the same classroom.

How the days passed for the two of us, how I remember the laughter and the random jokes that ran through our table.

How quick the days were now that I look back, how everything is now gone, nothing is left over but the simple memory.

Memories of our teacher chiding us... 

Memories of happiness...

Of joy...

And then...

Those last few words...

"_I'm sorry..."_

"If sorry was enough... then there would be no need for Hell."

"Leigh... please... listen to me..." 

We had both graduated from college at this point, both on our ways to be great novelists together. And then it was then when the bombshell was dropped.

And all was lost.

Our friendship.

Our bond.

I wonder...

I wonder... if I truly had to do this.

If this is the right thing.

I don't know.

Someone... anyone...

Please... help me answer this.

I don't know what to do.

Someone. Please...

Save me...

" _Hey... How do you spell yaoi?"_

"Y-A-O-I! It's got all the vowels except O and Y!"

"... Yashi..."

"Wait... Crap..."

Funny how the happier moments seem to be able cheer even the most depressed moods. I laugh now when I remember, those days when we would laugh till we got throbbing headaches, when we giggled over inside jokes so much that our stomaches hurt.

God I miss those days.

"_Hey, Yashi, when we get out of college... let's live together!" _

"Dude... I can totally see that happening..."

"Well DUH, we're psycho of course."

"And imagine our writing! You'll just rant!"

"And you'll go off on tangents of my rants!"

"Ah... but then you'll rant on how I keep on tangenting off your rants!"

"But then you'll tangent off of how I rant about your tangents off of your rants!"

"But then you'll rant---"

"OH SHUT UP!"

"But Liz..."

"Just shut it... the two of you will drive any editor crazy."

"But we'll be famous!"

"You guys..."

Funny how dreams so big and amazing as that, something so great and planned so perfectly are liable to fall apart in the blink of an eye. 

"_Shit... we barely have enough money to cover our rent... now what..."_

"Our book isn't doing that well... and my part time job's barely enough, Yashi... we gotta do something..." 

Something.

Anything...

Even selling our souls to the devil himself.

"_Get the hell out of her. I don't ever want to see your face again..." _

"But Leigh..."

"GET OUT" 

God I'm such a moron.

Such an idiot...

Someone help me... 

Anyone...

But I guess it's impossible in a place like this...

No one really cares about foreigners...

All we are...

Are pests...

_  
A light._

At the end of the dark tunnel that I had been traveling through for the past month.

Actually...

It's a really bright light...

A shining, blinding, radiance that shouldn't be in this world.

A bright light, that I don't belong in.

The light of fame and celebrity status.

The bright light that's going to damn well give me the migraine of the century.

"AWW HELL! SOMEONE TURN OFF THE SUN!!!"

"Well... looks like Sleeping Beauty's finally awake... You feelin' alright there?" A voice, a sarcastic, narcissistic, and obviously pretty boy voice. If only murder wasn't a crime...

If only murder wasn't a crime. 

And mercy wasn't a virtue.

I'd be at this guy's throat in a heartbeat.

"... Ugh... Someone give me a good truckload of aspirin and I think I'll be alright."

"Well... I don't have a truckload per say... but I do have some..."

"Thank God..."

To be frank, I've always disliked taking medication, the scratching feeling of the pill going down the throat and the horrid aftertaste when taking syrups. But right now, I feel too miserable to think of the taste.

Dear god... I never want to drink again..

That way... I'll never have to cry again? 

How much did I have?

Two?

Three?

Maybe four drinks?

Damn... I didn't think it'd be that many. 

"Feeling better?"

"Yeah."

Wait a second.

Why is this guy being nice?! Last time I checked, the men I worked with hated my guts. No matter how pretty they were, they had the personality of poisonous snakes. Cloy and cunning, they strike when weak. The one standing before me is probably no different. Though, I have to admit, he's prettier than the rest in some senses. Flawless beautiful skin with a nose that almost anyone would kill for. Eyes the color of dark chocolate, wide and soulful with cherry red lips that curved themselves into what seemed to be an effortless smile. Damn... if only he wasn't a celebrity...

I'd totally tap that.

"Good. Now that that's over with, Super Junior has a concert coming up in two weeks. We need costumes." 

That sounds more like it.

"Alright... alright, I get the point. What do you need?"

"Thirteen costumes, each in the style that the wearer wants it."

"And I expect no life out of this..."

"What was that?" 

"Nothing... Alright. Who's up first?"

"That would be Lee Teuk, our leader."

"Lovely. But allow me to ask this question before you leave me alone with an unknown stranger that I need to familiarize myself with within seconds."

"Yes? And that is?"

"How... did I get here?"

"... Why that's simple. You were passed out in the limo and I had the sympathy in my heart to carry you here."

He had sympathy? 

Well who would have thunk.

But back to the matter at hand.

He left no time for me to respond and let my brain digest the fact before he made his dramatic leave with a graceful gait that could have only come with years upon years of dancing and hard physical training. The way that he carried himself and the strong, confident strides that he took told the story of a man who had to suffer through many hardships and fell to receive bumps and bruises, only to have to stand up again.

In short, the ever so common tragic hero that all women fall in love with.

All he needed now was a whirling shower of petals and I think we'll have a perfect little scene of pretty boy-ness straight from a drama too. 

And now all that is left is an empty room and my anticipation of who might pop up behind that dreaded white door before me.

Soon enough the portal opened.

And the first of my thirteen trips to hell began.


	7. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6: Ni Bi Cong Qian Kuai Le (You're Happier Than Before)**

God Damn. Are all men this conceited? All they can do is want, want, and want some more. But in the end, do they deliver anything? No, of course not.

They're not supposed to anyways. 

They're just prettied up dolls for the world to see that just happen to sing and dance at command.

Seriously, just take me to a toy store and let me run around for a bit, find a band of tickle-me-Elmos, stick a wig on them and there you go. We've got the boys that I'm in charge of. Isn't that a lovely thought?

Whatever happened to creativity I wonder.

Sometimes it's a wonder what people will do to gain fame.

But enough of that.

I swear, those hours on hours of listening to those men babble on how beautiful they want to be. Oh GOD. Shoot me now. I'm surprised I haven't died of boredom yet.

And what's up with the lack of creativity here?

All I've gotten so far are a few dragons here and there and a ton of 'let's leave it up to your creative energy's.

Damn them.

Alright. They want creative? Fine. That's just fine.

What shall we do my precious muses? What _shall_ we do indeed.

Ah screw it.

Their fault that they left it up to me.

Let's see.

Gryphon?

Yes. 

Phoenix?

Sure.

Kelpie?

Why the hell not?

Fairies?

Hell yes. Some badass ones too while I'm at it.

Vampires?

Maybe, we already used them for pretty boy DBSK already.

Any other things that might scare the fans out of their pants?

Sure why the hell not? Make their eyes bleed and not mine.

Another day and another trip to hell and back.

God I wonder sometimes why I even decided to do this.

It's funny how the chauffeured ride home in a black car with black leather seats leaves such a crisp white building, only to come back to another extremely crisp, professional white building. A place that I must learn how to call 'home' of all places.

The soft click of the door to my room, a bleak and undecorated place that I must call a home for a year. Everyday, every single day that I wake up in this desolate place, I am brought to near tears of the memories.

Of the memories that I had shared with so many people back home. With the people that I loved so much. 

But there's nothing that I can do about that now.

We all left each other after we graduated.

And we all promised to still be friends.

Funny how I, known to be the most loyal out of the bunch, was the first to go and break that promise.

The soft couch, the first thing that my eyes are graced with are also the first thing that I hit as I close the door to my apartment/room/lodging thing. Standing to get measurements for most of the day in heels have absolutely taken its toll. I swear I could feel blood dripping down where my ankle should be.

But lo and behold.

No blood.

Just blisters the size of the country itself.

What a joy.

Well, not much I can do about this.

Damned entertainment industry and their obsession with appearances.

It sucks living alone. Even though I can hear the people above (DBSK) and the people next door (Super Junior) partying their lives away as if nothing really mattered at all.

It hurts so much.

Right... there...

Where a heart is supposed to be.

It hurts that I can't do anything to make them shut the hell up so I can get some sleep.

It hurts that I can't do anything to make peace with them.

I just hurts. 

I wish times could be like they used to be.

Happy. 

Carefree.

It's too bad that we had to grow up.

Too bad that we had to start making it on our own.

And quite frankly.

It sucks.

It also sucks that my only comfort in this place is a laptop.

A piece of technology.

Something that cannot talk to me at all.

Something made of inanimate objects...

But a catalyst as well.

For my words. 

La la la...

Cyworld...

Let's see who's talked to me.

What's this?

Two comments?

Well who whoulda thunk?

**Comment #1:  
From: Leigh R. M. **  
_ENGLISH:   
DUDE. I feel for ya. Oh My Dear Supah Ninjas, I have no idea what to say, cause you KNOW I suck at consoling people. But you know what? I can say this much. COME BACK TO US! If all of us are friends, and friends were a deck of cards forming a card tower. You were taken out of the bottom, cause you're a freakin' base card for all of us. ... If I'm not making any sense. BLAME YOURSELF. Haha. Not really. Just blame us for missing you so much. DON'T LET THOSE BASTARDS GET YOU DOWN. The only person who's allowed to do that is ME and that's cause we've BOTH got writer's block! SO COME BACK ASAP. We're the only ones allowed to make your life miserable!_

Funny.

She says that she sucks at consoling people. 

But those words.

They were the words that I had longed to hear for the longest time.

Funny how things like that work.

Hmm... wonder who else wrote to lonely little me. 

**Comment #2:   
From: GodOfKungFuSongs**   
_KOREAN:  
Wow! It's really great that you can speak both English and Korean! I wish I could be that cool talking to so many different people! Sounds like life here is treating you pretty well! Ha ha! I'm going to stalk you since I can and cause I want to see what you can write! The company I work for is always looking for new writers!_

Great.

A stalker.

Ah well.

Today's entry shall be my angst in the form of poetry!

Or some crap like that.

**July 27th XXXX**

KOREAN: 

Such a beautiful day  
A day where life is treasured  
A day where beauty is valued.  
Nothing is lost.

All is wonderful.  
I could ask for nothing more.  
But to treasure this memory.  
Forever.

So that it won't fade.  
Like the timeless photos.  
Of friends.

Of joy.  
Of life.

Life is so amazing right now! I love it so much! There's so much to learn! And so many people to meet! I just love it here! Hope you like today's poetry. I've been working on it for quite a bit of time during work on and off. Heh. So far, Korea's still pretty cool! I got to go to my first concert for my employers ever the other day! And I have to say... it was amazing! So much talent! I can't believe there are people that are so cool!

**ENGLISH:**

Lies.  
That is all I live.  
A life of deceit

I am nothing more than a nobody  
A person that can be thrown away.   
I am nothing more than a piece of trash  
A person that can be replaced.

No matter what talents I have  
No matter what personalty I have  
No matter anything.

I have no money. 

And that is the lie I cannot tell  
This is why.

I am worthless.

To them.  
To myself.  
To everyone. 

BASTARDS.

Every single one of them. I swear. They're all just greedy sons of a bitch that got to where they are cause they could sing a few notes. That and they're all bi-polar. God damn. I want to smack them all a good one or two. But I can't.

I swear Leigh.

The day I come back. I will never want to leave home again.

It sucks anywhere else.

/end[/i

And that's all folks.

For today at least.

Tomorrow. 

Tomorrow, you never know.

Maybe that cutie that helped me...

Maybe... just maybe...

He's not as bad as he seems.

Bah.

What am I saying?

He's a guy.

He's only concerned with one thing.

And thank god.

I don't think it involves me.


	8. Chapter 7

Chapter 7: Adorable Woman (Ke Ai Nu Ren)

It's times like these when I wonder what the hell is wrong with me. If there's something in me that turns people off or something. Something that's a part of me that makes me unloveable. A part that constantly nags away and tells me that I'm not good enough, that I don't deserve a place in this world.

It's times like these when I wonder if it's worth living here.

When I'm constantly shunned and yet at the same time constantly forced to work away like a slave whose only purpose is to serve the superior.

I suppose we all are like that. Constantly trying to impress those higher than us, constantly striving to be better than the person before us. It's only human nature I suppose, to fight over who will be better than the next, to prove to the world that we are worth something.

Except me.

I gave up doing that _here_. 

Of all places I don't want to go and compete _here_. 

The place stifles me.

Chokes me.

Forever holds on.

Never relenting.

Never letting go.

Just like time.

I stare, constantly stare at the people around me. So beautiful, so amazingly perfect and I cannot help but envy them for the gifts that the gods above have no doubt blessed them with. And the ever truthful mirror leers before me as I fit clothes for the men I take care of. Constantly it laughs at me, laughs at my worthlessness.

Laughs at my failures.

And mocks my trivial little gains in grasping the language.

Can I just say I hate it here?

All these dolls, these beautiful women constantly drop by my closeted 'domain', as I call it. scoff at my dress, my plain garb, my cheap designer clothes that I worked so hard to get in order to get this job. Their perfectly painted lips smile and compliment on my work, but their eyes tell different stories, they tell the lies that their body hold, the plastic surgeries, the toxins in their skin to make it look youthful. I know, I can see it, their lies, it hangs over everyone like a black cloud over their head. They smile, thinking they have everything covered, but they cannot mask their eyes.

And yet, through those lies, they are more loved than the one who slaves away with feathers sticking hither and tither on her face from misadventures with glue and sewing supplies. They are more loved than the one who is the very person who makes them as beautiful as they are now.

Painted lacquered, perfectly furnished nails.

Fake, drawn on eyebrows.

Plastic surgery everywhere possible.

Everything about this place makes me puke.

_And yet... you still envy them..._

It would be lying if I said that I didn't envy them.

For all their fake and gaudy ways, I can't help it but envy them.

Envy the way they get everything without trying.

Because... 

Because...

_Because they're the ones who get everything... and you're... you're stuck with nothing... isn't that right? _

Yes.

Yes... that's right.

_Silly child. When did life ever lend you love? _

It's times like this when I wish you'd just shut up...

_Ah... but you know you can't get rid of me... I'm your conscience remember?_  
Can I ask God for a new one?

_Come now child... you know I only speak the truth to you. Life never lent any sort love to you. You don't deserve it... people like you... don't deserve to be loved. You're too ugly, too nerdy, too butch, too awkward for anyone to love. You're an anomaly, something that shouldn't exist, except to help serve those who are beautiful. All you have... are your words. And as long as they're pretty. You don't have to be. _

I... I suppose that's true.

Sad what the human society values in the modern world.

Appearances, beauty, aesthetics, money, that's all that matters anymore.

No one cares if you have wisdom, no one cares if you've got great inner beauty.

No one cares at all.

Not anymore.

And it pains me to see so many adorable women walk by with their noses up in the air, a complete waste of space. When they could have made something of their lives and changed the world for all we know.

But they're stuck here.

Lifeless dolls that have had their whole lives sucked away by the current events and the fast moving life of fashion, sex, drugs, and music.

"... Silly little bitches... They'll kick you out once you reach the age of twenty and eight..."

"... Having fun dawdling around?"

A voice.

A dreaded voice of someone who is my superior. Someone who could fire me and send me home without the money that I need to feed myself.

The very same voice of a pretty boy that I probably work under.

"... I was only plotting different ways to create wonderful works of art for the upcoming concert so that you all will shine brightly like newly polished stars."

God I love sarcasm.

" You lie. You were staring at the beauty that you could could never handle."

"Sir, Yunho."

"You know... you could just call us by our names... why do you always tack on a 'Sir'?"

"Quite frankly, Sir Yunho, it's because of respect."

"... And you are quite aware that no one respects you in return..."

"Of course."

I continue sewing, ignoring his perfectly sculpted face, his lithe physique, his gorgeous persona in general.

Damn I hate good looking men.

They're always hollow.

"And by the way... you lied."

"Excuse me?"

This man did NOT just accuse me of lying.

Then again, this was also the man that ordered me that drink about three days ago that gave me the hangover of the century. No telling what this guy can do.

"You're lying. You weren't thinking of costuming..." He took a seat in an overstuffed chair that I normally reserved for myself when I was done with being on my feet for a while. "You were imagining about a world that didn't involve us."

"And what if I was? Would it make you think any less of me?"

He leaned back, the arrogance in his face apparent as he thought he could actually engage in a duel of wits against [ime[/i of all people.

Does he not know that right in front of him sits a writer?

A genius of words?

Of... English words.

Shit.

Damned Korean. I can't make good puns now.

"Quite frankly, I kinda feel sorry for ya. I came here to apologize."

Wait, wait, wait.

This man... wants to [iapologize[/i of all things?!

"E-excuse me?"

"You heard me, I came to apologize."

"Why?"

"Well, for one, I haven't exactly been treating you with the right ah... respect to say... And it's kinda embarrassing to say this but uhm... I'm sorry about the way I treated you. This is probably your first professional job... so uhm... yeah..."

Excuse me?!

He comes to apologize but he disses me instead by saying this is my first professional job?!

Is he really this dense?!

Does he think I'm seriously this SHALLOW?!

Dear God... I really want to strangle this bastard at this moment.

"... oh? Why the sudden change of heart?"

That's all I can say... no murderous intent ... none. I can't have any. Not unless I want to keep going on.

"Well... I was thinking over what you said that night in the bar... and I realized that you're not from here, which kind of makes me feel bad cause the whole lot of us figured you were just some girl who never finished high school, got her virginity taken at the age of fourteen or something along those lines. B-but when you were obviously distressed and stayed up late to finish all of our outfits..."

"And how would you know that?"

"Well... uhm... well, I couldn't sleep one night so I went out to the balcony the other night to get some fresh air and I noticed that the light to your room was still lit... it never struck me that you would be a person who would actually be diligent at working. And well... I guess we thought you were just some thoughtless bimbo like all the others..."

"... And you never thought that I'm actually educated enough to whip you any day in a battle of wits?"

"... No. No I didn't..."

God, are all men like this?

"Well, maybe next time you should look over the person right in front of you. Their looks aren't everything. Even the most drab bird can be beautiful."

"... I'll keep that in mind... I've overstayed my visit. I'll get going now. "

"Don't expect me to do escort you to the door." I murmur as I snipped off a thread and started on another section of a warm red and gold outfit.

"I won't. You've got your work... but uh... yeah... you're quite a bit more adorable when you're drunk."

And without much more word he left a very confused me with the soft click of the stark white door.

Did that jerk just compliment me?

I don't know if I should take that as a good thing or bad.

Who knows.

I've got work to do. And it doesn't involve him right now.


	9. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8: Bu Hui Ku De Ren (The Person Who Cannot Cry) **

What is it in this world that defines strength I wonder.

What is it that determines who is strong enough and who is weak to need support?

Not in the physical sense, but in the sense of mental stability.

Who knows? We've always been so concerned with ourselves, that even those who are weak and need support are overlooked by those who are strong or... are weak but have the support of others. It makes me wonder sometimes. What does that make me?

Constantly I'm alone, lost, and most of the time I've got nothing better to do but work, concentrate on that and then angst at my past.

I'm a sad person aren't I?

But does that make me weak? Does that make me someone to be pitied? Or does it make me stronger? Someone who can stand by on my own?

[i "Nope. It just makes you as stupid as the person next to you. Who cares if you're strong or not? All that matters in this world is if you've got money or not. And money means power. Right now you've got no power what so ever. Since you've got no money, you've got no strength. Easy as that."[/i

Joy. And my only comfort is talking to the voice in my head known as my conscience. I really want a new one. This one makes fun of me.

[i "You know... you can't get rid of me. Just admit you love me and my truths."[/i

Actually, I love the truths. But couldn't you find a more ah... subtle way of telling them to me?

[i "Why? And with only about two more weeks until your dear Super Junior goes into concert, do you THINK in any which way that God would be willing give you a new conscience when the one that is within your head is already so loving and caring?" [/i

Shut the hell up. I need to concentrate.

[i "I love you too.[/i

The soft humming of the sewing machine is comforting for some odd reason. As if there is a spirit of creativity that wishes to release itself. Sad that no one can see it but me. It is the very image that is engraved in my brain. A cosmology of my own come to life if one could view it as that. A world both material and spiritual, both the things that one can view, and if one looks hard enough, the spiritual elements that emanate from my work.

Yes, that is my work. Something both the higher deities of the world and the mortals of this realm can view. It's too bad that no one really cares about things like that.

Unless one wishes to be a major in theology and gains a full view of the world through spiritualism.

Sucks that the only people who are willing to debate morality and spirituality along with literature were left at home.

My suitcase just wasn't big enough.

Damn.

Days have past, and those days have turned into weeks, the weeks then have mercilessly, grudgingly, crawled into months. Three months. Ninety days, and whoever knows how many hours, minutes and seconds I have had to waste on these eighteen men. Sometimes I wonder why I'm so nice.

Three months since I first started. That makes it Halloween soon actually, two days away soon. The day of joy and merriment, the day of pranks, sugar, and costumes. I miss those days. Back home, where we would dress up to scare the little kids that would come and ask for candy. Leigh and I would find the most disturbing outfits that were known to man and donned them on...

_[i "Hello little kiddies... would you like some candy?" _

"_AHHH!!! It's the thing under my bed! Now I know where it lives! It lives with the crazy yellow lady!" _

_A door slam, more shouts and screeches from the children that lived in our neighborhood. It wasn't originally my idea to live down in Georgia, however, due to Leigh's insistence on wanting to live in a place that was warm so we could work on our writing, I eventually gave in and went with her to my very conservative home. _

"_Think they'll ever get used to me?"_

"_Dude. You're like the only Asian in this whole neighborhood. Good luck with that." _

"_Thanks for your confidences."_

"_You're very welcome. You know it's my pleasure."_

"_Why can't I be as mean as you, Leigh?"_

"_Because you're too nice for your own good and every time you try being mean you end up apologizing and screaming 'I LOVE YOU, I'M SO SORRY!' at the top of your lungs..."_

"_Oh... oh yeah..."[/i_

"You must really love daydreaming..."

Great. Him again. What does he want? Another chance to go and annoy the Hell out of me?

"I can't help it if I can't concentrate. It's quite dull here with no one around." The hum of the sewing machine was the only sound in the room aside from the quite ticking of the clock that told of time.

"Why don't you go and make friends here?"

"What's the point? It's not like I'll be accepted. I'm nothing but a tool for y'all to go and get more fans."

"Why are you always so negative?"

"Why shouldn't I be? I just feel like being a negative person."

He stared at me. I ignored him as best as possible. I could feel his eyes burning into the back of my neck. The burning feeling of knowing that one has been caught when doing something bad.

"The only reason you do it is because you want to prove something isn't it?"

"What if I am? Just like you guys, I'm only in this for money."

"Whoever said that?"

"It's quite implied that m'dear."

"You're just full of it aren't you?"

"And what if I am?"

[i "It's not like you really want to do anything about it. Thanks to me and my genius, your popularity has gone up through the roof. If this is your thanks... How can you even call yourself a human?[/i

"You sound like you had a couple of stiff drinks there."

"Nope. I'm as sober as the day is bright."

He took a seat on [imy[/i couch in [imy[/i domain in front of [ime[/i and also [ion top[/i of my pincushion. Quite frankly the result was very amusing, a yelp, a yell, a shocked face fit for a Kodak picture and a curse to follow it all up.

"Where the Hell did that come from?!"

"Well... I believe that would have come from the closet where all the pincushions are held. I happened to have put that there since I needed a place for it to rest. Do you have a problem with that?"

"Why didn't you tell me?!"

"You never asked. And by the by, why are you here?"

"Well, the crew was going out to drink tonight and I was wondering if you would like to join us..."

"Why? So that you could go and make a fool of me again? I don't think so."

"B-But... We didn't know anything about you and we just wanted to know what's up with your cold disposition towards us."

"You guys want to know why I'm cold towards you eh? You really want to know why I refuse to care about your parties next door and right above me eh? Well I'll tell you right here and now so you don't have to worry about that. I. Hate. Every. Single. One. Of. You. Guys. Hope that makes it simple enough for you to understand."

Silence.

The same one that I had felt when I had left the states. The exact same one that makes one feel stifled and suffocated. Ironic that the room that the two of us occupied was spacious enough to hold several more people before anyone could feel claustrophobic.

"You... hate us?"

"Why yes, I believe I have made myself quite clear in what I have just said."

"Wait... why?"

"I don't see why I have to explain the meticulous details in which my hatred comes from. Quite frankly, it's just because all of you just have bad auras."

"Bad... auras?"

"Yup."

"Are you... sane?"

"That question is only relative to you and me. To you maybe not, to me, I'm perfectly normal. Please ask another question."

"Why?"

"..."

Answer his question, don't answer his question, answer his question, don't answer his question. The possibilities of consequences on both sides. Ah, what the hell, they'll eventually find out why anyways.

"Well? Are you going to answer?"

"Heh... it's funny. You want to know why... and yet, you'll probably forget once you walk out the room. But I will humor you I suppose. I hate the lot of you because of your constant superiority complexes and your complete bigotry to the world. You think you own everything, you have everything, all the love that you could ever wish for. But you know what. You are so fake it makes me sick. You constantly tell everyone that you work so hard, but in the end you gain all that love because everyone who works backstage did so much to do it. And then... you get it all. And we, we get nothing. Nothing irks me more than that. Not to mention. Your beauty. How much more fake and more venomous can you get?! How much more do you want to torture me at rubbing in my face everything that I could never have?!"

At this point, I was near hysterical, screaming in half Korean, half English, muttering obscenities at the perfect man before me. How I wanted to at that moment tear at his face, rip it to shreds and show the world what he really looked like under all that makeup and beauty.

God. Who knew I could be such a hater?

Who knew I could actually hate someone with this much passion and yet still can't help but envy them for everything that they had?

Who knew?

"I... I see... I never knew."

"Yeah. Well you never asked."

He sat down again, this time making sure the pincushion wasn't where his ass was going to be. The perfectly sculpted face held no expression what so ever from what I could tell.

"What are you going to do about us then?"

HA! What am I going to do? What CAN I do? I have no money back home. I'm more or less stuck here on contract terms because of the simple reason for MONEY.

"What do you think? I'm going to live with the hate of course. Until I can go home again."

"... You're quite strong for a foreigner."

"... I'm not strong. I'm just a person... that cannot cry. I'm not strong at all."

"A person... who cannot cry... just... isn't human little girl."

Little girl. How quaint, he feels superior to me because of a mere few years. What a twit.

"Then... I suppose... I just won't be human then, Sir Yunho."

Indeed, I won't be human.

Not anymore to them.

Not anymore even to myself.

If it means so much pain.

Then I give up.

On those damned emotions.

That make up a human.


	10. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9: Retreat (Tui Huo)**

I want to go home. I seriously want to go home. I'm sick and tired of all this fake plastic and silicon world that I am surrounded with. I'm sick and tired of all the lies that were in the contract. Sick and tired of all the people that I have to be cordial with.

God. If I were back home, I wouldn't have to deal with such fake people.

I just want to go home and live the life without a care. I have no one here. No one at all. Not even my conscience wants to be friends anymore. I can't complain to anyone. All the people I love couldn't be shipped along with me.

Damn. I'm starting to sound like Holden aren't I?

It's October the 31st. The date that all of us 'westerners' call Halloween. The night of complete insanity and jovial banter along with a whole lot of left over candy from kids who got too afraid to come to our doorsteps.

It's cold this year, the chilly nipping kind of cold that October should give. The chilling pleasure defying the weather in order to nab some free candy, and the joy of having friends to hang out with at home as we all alternated turns to give out sweets has dissipated over the days leading up to this night.

The clock strikes nine. Time to go 'home' for the night and come back the next day.

[i_ "And another day full of lies has been completed."[/i_

You can say that again. I lied about everything to them. My true name, which I will never discourse to the public unless I trust it enough, my education, my life in general, my race, everything. All of them are lies. I can't give them the truth. They wouldn't be able to handle it. My life as normal person.

Ironic no?

The quiet hum of the engine stops its monotone as the driver of the company car stops in front of my 'home'. Funny how everything is so monotone. All one color, one theme, one sound, the quiet hum, the stark black or white. There is no color, no life, nothing.

How can people live like this?

It's painful to see this every day.

Painful to see that people can past their lives away without seeing the colored side of things. Everything is black and white, never the gray area. It saddens me that these people have become so linear in their lives.

Maybe it's just because I'm too damned liberal.

Or maybe this place just doesn't promote my kind of creativity.

Maybe I'm just going crazy.

I want to be able to hold someone. To be able to angst to them the woes of my life. I want to be able to run to someone's arms and sob to them. I want to be able to do all those things. I'm sick and tired of being so alone in this country. I can't help but envy all those girls that work here who get picked up and dropped off by their 'loved ones'.

"But... it doesn't last..."

"You were saying something?"

"Huh... no... nothing."

"Whatever... we're here."

"Thanks."

Back to what my train of thought was dictating.

It doesn't last. No... in this day and age, there isn't anything called 'love'. It's only an illusion that has been diluted for years due to humans and their illusions. I don't believe it's possible to have any true emotional attachment anymore to another unless there is some other ulterior motive.

But, that's the world we live in today. And quite frankly, I don't think there's anything we can do about that. With the way we are, and the way society rules things, we can't do anything any more, except going with the flow.

Then again, when has that ever been different in the whole course of the world's history?

The soft click of the door opening to my bleak room welcomes me back to reality and a world where I feel deprived of everything that gave me joy.

_[i "You... hate us?" [/i_

Yes... God damn it, I hate you all. Every single one of you.

So then... why is it that his shocked face is still stuck in my mind? Why is it... that I can't get his stupid expression out of my mind?

Maybe it's because I've never really openly defied anyone in their face like that.

Maybe I'm just insane.

The constant sound of running water as the shower runs is a slight comfort as I wait for the water to warm itself up.

Water. The archetype. The cleanser. Purifier. Life giver. Dependence. Independence. Stability. Calm. Tranquility. The unconscious and the beautiful.

Odd how such a simple thing means so much to the human mind. Funny how no one really takes time to think about that. The cooling and the warming effects that water can have on a human soul, the beautiful tranquility that it can bring when at peace, and the destructive powers it possesses, everything about it is so simple, and yet at the same time it's so complex.

And thus my mind wanders as I take a shower to cleanse the day's dirt and grime away.

What was I thinking?

Why am I here? What is the point when all that happens is pain?

Soft chimes. Vladi turns on in a flash of blue, black, white and other flashing pixels. Vladi, short for my most beloved name in the world, Vladimir. How the name rolls of the tongue, tickles the ear, and leaves tantalizing shivers down the spine. The name itself is much like a ray of light in this bleak world. A word that brings back some small shred of hope to a despairing girl with no life other than to wait on men.

Onto more cheerful things. Let's see who decided to pay attention to me and thought to enlighten me with some words of consolation, or whatever the hell they decide to do.

Well, well, well, who would have thought? Messages.

[b**Comment #1: **

**From: Leigh R. M.[/b**

_[iENGLISH:_

_Dude, I never thought you could actually be DEPRESSED. That's not human! You sound like you're about to die! And last time I check, you weren't allowed to die. You're immortal remember? Haha. Anyways, life here's pretty quiet without you and your friends in the house debating about politics or whatever the hell you wish when you should be working on the chapter that our editors hound us on. It's too quiet, really, the day you come back, I'm gonna bring all your political/literature freak friends over and we'll all have a debate about the stupidest thing ever. And eat PIZZA! Anyways, nice poem, write happy next time okay? And write in subliminal messages about your ideas for our next novel in them! Okay? Okay! Anywhoo. Come back! Or we should go and visit you or something! We'll scrape together money and we'll be cool and come to see you![/i_

Who knew happiness could come from a piece of machinery? Who would have thought that my will to live and not care about the opinionated world around me could come from words printed on a screen that could well be fake?

Am I really that gullible?

Who knows.

At least I have happiness, for however short of a time it is.

Now, to see who this lovely other comment is from.

[b**Comment #2:**

**From: GodOfKungFuSongs[/b**

_[iNice poem! Do you mind if I submit it to my boss as a suggestion for a song that we might do later on? I'm Sungmin from the group Super Junior! Maybe you've heard of us? Yes, I am that shameless to plug away our group like that. You can never have too many fans right? Anyways, the poem's really cute! Are you really a writer? 'Cause it'd be cool if we got some more in our company, the ones we've got are pretty lame. Man.. now I wish I could read that English part... ah! I know! I'm gonna show my friend who lived in the States for a while and have him read it out loud for me![/i_

You have got to be shitting me. This stalker man's that cutie that decided to help me that one night when I was more drunk than an Irishman on St. Patrick's day?

The world is a small place.

And it sure as Hell works in the oddest ways.

And Shit, my cover will be blown.

What the Hell do I do?

Well, I'm pretty sure pretty boys like that don't know enough English to make out the English part of my journal. Hopefully that English speaking boy has forgotten enough to not make out the curse words... or the insults.

Whoever thought the Internets was a safe place needs to have his testicles burn in Hell.

Badly.

Great. Now what the Hell am I going to do?

They even have my name.

Dear God. I hope they can't read my English name, and I hope pretty boys like them are oblivious and can't remember jack shit. It would help my life a lot. Please and Thank you?

[i_Knock, knock, knock[/i_

Not this again...

"Come in. It's open."

Both the click of the laptop shutting and locking closed and the door sounded at the same moment. The vision that assaulted my eyes as I looked up after that moment took me a moment to realize what in the name of Holy Latona was going on.

Why yes, I do like making game references every now and then. So sue me.

Five men in cuddly animal outfits, and thirteen men wearing the oddest contraptions I have ever thought of. Am I hallucinating? Or are they seriously wearing Halloween costumes?

"TRICK OR TREAT!!!"

"You guys are at least twenty, grow up. I'm too poor to beg candy from."

"... At least have a couple of drinks with us?"

"Do you men ever do anything more than drink?"

"We ... party?"

Now would be a good time to panic. That pretty boy Sungmin could have found out what's up with me by now. Oh dear GOD... why the Hell do I have to be an idiot and screw up my life with putting up a true name and not the penned name?

What did I do to deserve this.

"HEY! It's Halloween! Let's go out to town and check out the sights! I wanna go get some candy at the mall!" Changmin announced. The youngest saves the day with a good suggestion!

"YEAH! Let's go in costume! Real ones and not the ones that were given to us for PVs!" Junsu suggested a loud squeak issuing forth from his lips as someone poked him. "Yashi! Come on! Let's go to the mall and get you a make over with free candy!"

Shit. I wanted them to leave. But not me in tow.

I take back any love I had for Halloween. I officially hate this holiday.

"I... uh... have work to do. I don't have time to wander around the mall with you guys."

"No you don't. All you have to do is sew a couple of things for us and then that's it!" Leeteuk complained and literally dragged, me from my comfortable seat in which I was going to flame the world for being unfair.

Actually. Let me flame that now.

The. World. Is. So. Unfair.

There. That feels much better.

"That and she spends about half of that time hallucinating about worlds that we can't see." Siwon supplied with a small smirk,

That's called a cosmology you twit. Go back to school why don't you? 

I wanna go home.

I really do.

But I can't. God dammit I can't because of these guys.

And because of these guys, I have never experienced hatred as strong as this.

"I'm not going. I've got a life beyond the world that you guys live in you know."

"B-b-but!"

"Just shut up and why don't you go and listen to this little ramble about what I feel about the lot of you right now why don't you?! I. HATE. WORKING. HERE. You all are nothing but a bunch of selfish bastards that can't get enough of wanting more. Now please, kindly leave me so that I can actually breath for once and not have to care about any of you making go gray before I'm twenty five!"

Silence. The jovial air that the room had held suddenly dissipated into nothingness as the cold October wind blew against the walls. If it weren't for the tension in the air, I would say it feels really Halloween-esque and it would have been equivalent to the ever famous quote 'It was a dark and stormy night'.

Too bad it wasn't.

"... O-oh... We're sorry... we didn't know that you were PMSing... we'll leave now..." Jaejoong muttered in what sounded like a half sincere half sarcastic apology.

The soft shuffling of feet against carpet back into the hallway and then another soft sound. The soft click of the door closing, and the colorful crowd that was here only a few moments ago dissipated, just as the air of happiness that was once here.

And never in my life, have I ever felt any more alone.


	11. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10: An Jing (Silence)**

The silence that permeates everything irritates me. It irks me and pushes me to search for an open space in order to breath easily. The quiet avoidance that followed the days after that incident has been gnawing away on my conscience for days now.

It doesn't help too much that it's Concert Day for those pretty Super Junior boys.

Doesn't help too much either with the fact that I STILL don't know if THEY know what my English blog says.

I should have learned my lesson and kept my mouth and mind shut to the 'happier' things.

And once again. God forbid anyone light a cigarette or anything within the boiling point in hair and make up. I wonder how much I sleep I got this time. Somewhere between the days before Halloween and something after I think.

I don't know.

Quite frankly I don't want to know.

Concert:

"Dear diary, I have the position that all the girls in the world would hate me and envy me for. However, I have to say that I hate this place and I can't stand men. Maybe I should go lesbian..."

"You were saying something?"

GOD DAMMIT. What the Hell is up with people and ruining my trains of thought?

"... No... just mumbling to myself is all."

Okay, let me blink a few times and pretend I don't see the most beautiful thing to ever have to wear anything I've made. Just checking to make sure I'm not hallucinating from some sort of vision of an ethereal being, also known as an angel, standing in front of me.

"Oh... Why don't you go back and get some sleep then?" A warm hand on my shoulder and a gentle smile through what seemed to be a whole cake of makeup on his face. "You've had a hard week eh? With all the stuff going on you're probably exhausted... you don't have to stay for the concert you know..."

Which one was this one again? Hankyung or something like that?

He's really tall... and oddly, he's also really nice...

Wait a moment ... when was I ever this short?

I don't remember when. I had always been tall compared to everyone else I knew... I've forgotten how small I actually was.

The feeling of being small, the feeling of wanting to be held and hugged. The feeling of being short and the inferior feeling of wanting to be someone important.

When did I lose those feelings?

Then again... did I ever have them at all?

"Hey... Hey... you alright there, Yashi?"

Once again. Damn them for wrecking my train of thought.

"Hmm? You were saying?"

"Well... why don't you go back home for now? You're really not needed after this..."

[i_Not needed. See? They really do hate you as much as you think. Isn't that a lovely thought for you there...[/i_

Yes... a lovely thought indeed.

"I... yeah... I'll go home now."

"Good night."

A gentle smile and a small wave and he was off with the others in his group.

White fits him. He really looks like an angel.

I can't help but grow attached to that guy. He's got the air of an older brother. Maybe I'm just delusional right now or something from the hair spray fumes. But... life here might actually not be that bad... if only I can bring myself to believe that.

If only I wasn't so selfish from wanting so much.

From wanting a genuine person to actually talk to and hold.

Not that piece of machinery at home.

I want something real.

Is that too much to ask for, God?

The back door of the stage closes and brings forth a clear, cold, November night. A night that brings back memories of frenzied writing during that month. National Novel Writing Month. How I miss it. How I miss staying up late and procrastinating, how I miss those days when I wanted to bash my head against a wall to get rid of writer's block.

Sucks that I don't have time for that favored past time anymore.

But I guess I have to move on. And suffer that pain of rejection in silence. Worrying anyone and burdening them is the worst thing I can do right now.

November always feels so nice. The air's so cold, but it's so cleansing. It tells the truth of this world no matter how much I want to love it. It is the serpent, the truth teller. No matter how much I want to be accepted. I can't be.

That's the way it's going to be. I won't be accepted here.

I can't be.

I'm nothing but a tool for their lives to be easier.

The life that they lead is under such a bright light. The light of fame that they bask under.

[i_I[/i _want to be in that light too...

I'll admit it. I want to be a part of that world. That world beyond that feels so comforting than the lonely one that I was forced into.

[i_Click, click, click.[/i _

Rhythmic steps, always in time, always following a flow, always there, a comfort almost. Almost.

[i_Click[/i_

The gentle sound of a door opening. A place of sanctuary, a former paradise to me. Only to be ripped away from me to be forced into this place of blank paper.

[i_Click, click, click, click, click, click[/i_

Fingers against keyboard. The soft rhythm of typing sounds through an empty and near silent room.

Solitude, the feeling of loneliness, only it is welcome.

I suppose I can welcome this feeling.

I have no one to talk to but myself, but no one is here to criticize, and for all the world. I can write.

I don't feel like writing in Korean right now. My brain is too tired to process anything good.

I have no idea what to write... maybe I'll just give a ramble of some deep feelings. Yeah, sounds good enough.

[b**English: **

**November 2, XXXX[/b**

_[iSo, when someone's going through a phase of angst,what do you do?_

_Personally, I want to go and hold them, comfort them, and listen to them until they feel even the littlest bit better. _

_But... I can't do that for the people I care about, and cannot see. I can't do that for the people that are so close to my heart but I cannot reach. _

_So. _

_Instead. I dedicate my writing to them. _

_Everyone back at home. _

_This is for you. _

_My heart, my words, my very soul goes to these words that you read here. I have nothing else to say other than every moment without your joy and your happiness around me, I feel as though my soul is being ripped through shards. Try as I might, I cannot be with you. _

_I cannot comfort you through everything as I have done before. _

_I'm sorry. I really am. _

_Everyday I wake up and I pray to God that I have the strength to make it through. In a world without anyone who cares. In a world that I have no idea how to react to. I pray, everyday that someone would come and help me. Someone would come and tell me it's alright. Just like home, just like the place that I'm so comfortable with. _

_But there's no one here in this desolate place. _

_But still, that's enough about me. I want to thank all of you back at home for all you've given and done for me. _

_Tammi: I want to thank you for all the support that you've given me, all the strength that you've handed over when I've felt so bad. All those years in high school when we were together and as about as sane as a married couple, I'll never forget them. I can only hope that your dreams come true my dear friend, you deserve everything that you've been working for. I love you so much my friend, I can only wish you happiness when I'm here._

_Joe: My dear little Ketchup Ranger. Where can I begin? Thank you for making me smile when my life seemed like crap. Thank you so much for the joy that you brought into my life for being a friend and being there with your humor whenever I needed it. I wish you the best of luck with your gaming industry and your life. Though we parted ways, I cannot help but still be your 'step-daddy'. Best wishes to you Ketchup. _

_Sarah: My 'white sister' at heart. Where can I begin with my thanks to you? Where can I start saying all that I want to? Everything you've done, from trying to make me 'pretty' to 'helping' me with my math homework. From being the most lenient Dungeon Master, to being my prom 'date'. Every memory that I can remember of you is one of happiness. Everything about you, from your ever optimistic view of life, to your ever so radical and liberal ideals about how we as a country should run ourselves. Every conversation that I remember having you had been nothing but enlightening and deep. Thank you for all the wisdom that you have shared with me. I can only wish that I could hold a candle against the light that you emit. _

_Juliet: My dearest friend and partner in crime in random drabbles. Your dry wit and your sarcasm never ceased to amaze and amuse me. Every day was a day that I could count on being a bit happier than the last, a bit more enlightening than the one before. I cannot help but admire your strength and your perseverance. Your deeply opinionated views are something that I admire about you, something that you can believe from the bottom of your heart. It's sad that we couldn't talk so much after high school. But hey, your visits every now and then are a welcoming breath of air. And remember, A is for Adultery. _

_Every single one of you, you all are so dear to my heart. I have no idea what I would do without you. I love you. All of you. _

_And I can only wish that I can start to love someone here like I do you guys._

_I miss you. _

_I miss you so much. _

_And thus. _

_These words. _

_I dedicate to you. [/i_

[/end

[i_Click, click_[/i

The light turns itself out, the quite sound of the machine's silent sleep echoes in the silence that is my room. I should go to sleep. That's a good idea... sleep would get my mind off of this stupid silent treatment that everything seems to treat me with.

[i_Click[/i_

The lights are off.

And this silence is warming, comforting, all enveloping, and beautiful.


	12. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11: Zhao Kuai Le De Ren (The Person who Tries to Find Happiness)**

It's times like these when I feel like I don't have to care who I am, or where I am. I'm in a content state of just floating around in my mind, a state of mind known as dreaming. The only time when I'm not wracked with pain from missing my home and my life before. This is the only time when I don' t have to worry about the life that looms before me. I don't have to gather up the strength to stand up, I don't have to do anything... just... watch the shapes that my mind create float across my non-existent vision.

It's the great and loved lull that comes after any chaotic event such as a concert. I love these moments. The few days that I don't have to care about what happens to the boys, what goes on in their lives, whatever... it's just me.

In the immortal words of Marlow from "Heart of Darkness..." "It seems to me I am trying to tell you a dream... making a vain attempt, because no relation of a dream can convey the dream-sensation, that commingling of absurdity, surprise and bewilderment in a tremor of struggling revolt, that notion of being captured by the incredible which is the very essence of dreams... No, it is impossible, it is impossible to convey the life-sensation of any given epoch of one' existence--- that which makes it truth, its meaning--- its subtle penetrating essence. It is impossible. We live, and we dream-- alone..."

It is this simple, sweet feeling that I love so much, that I treasure so dearly in this world of pain. They tell me so many things here... How I have the job that millions of girls would die for, how I'm surrounded by the most beautiful men in Korea, how I'm such a great designer, how I'm such a great person... All these things they tell me. But I wonder... how many of them are true? How many of them are really a truth and not just a fabrication of word of mouth, not the falsities that spew from the mind to cushion the truth...

The truth that I ... I am...

_Beep beep beep! Beep beep beep! Beep beep bee---_

_SMACK_

It's also great that I can wake up at the crack of noon and not before dawn. These days are great. There's nothing to care about... just what I want to do and where I want to go. Nothing in the world to care about but myself. It's good to have the feeling of me, myself, and I. This would also be known as, the feeling of being important.

_Beep... beep... beep..._

Ahh... warm bagel with eggs, cheese, and whatever unhealthy contraption I could find stuck into it, from the microwave. Actual FOOD. For a the while before I had started to believe that eating less than five hundred calories a day was a normal thing for a human to go through. Good to have something unhealthy for once. Not being able eat in that damned room for the fear of dropping anything onto their precious clothes.

It's good to be able to relax. Perhaps... this is the feeling of happiness? To be able to sleep? To be able to eat? To do the simple things that were always taken for granted before they were taken away? I suppose I'm just that easily amused at things such as this.

_ "Or... you just need to get a freakin' life..."_

That too. I should get one... where do they sell them?

_ "Somewhere where they care about people..."_

Great... Korea sucks... I can't get a new conscience, and I can't get a new life. Why me?

_Knock, knock, CRASH_

"... Well Hello to you too?"

A pile of men. Probably suffering the effects of a hangover or something, but none the less, a pile of men.

"Hi... We're sorta drunk..."

"I noticed as much."

"Wanna get drunk with us?!"

"No thanks. Last time that happened, I passed out from too much remember?"

"No problem! We can get Sung Sung to carry you back!"

Sung Sung? Oh... HOT DAMN, Black mail material right there. Too damned bad I can't really use it against anyone at all.

"... He better be damned sober..." The expression on the band mate faces were priceless, something within a the range of disgusted, anguished, and perhaps a bit of shocked were there. Quite frankly I couldn't have asked for a better day than this.

"... I am. And ignore them. Guys... why are you harassing her? And why are you guys pretending to be drunk? Kangin, I thought you knew better..."

What? They're not hung over? Aw... that's not fair. I wanted to poke fun at them with my super mental powers of flaming the world.

"I wanted to have some fun..." Kangin whined, so I decided to go and poke fun at her cause she's always so freaky weird!"

You know, at this point, I thought I would have gotten used to the insults. But this one was a new one, normally it's just bitch or whore, but freaky weird. That's a new one, I suppose I can take that as a compliment.

"... Kangin... I thought you had more reason in your brain than that."

Nope. He's a man remember? And I'm running commentary in my head. Damn. I really have no life. But no, he doesn't have too much reason other than to listen to random babbles of nonsensical things such as what beauty is, what to eat next, what to do after practice. The mundane things that bore anyone, but at the same time, it is extremely crucial to his life for the reason that he, has no idea what to do next without a schedule.

"I do TOO have common sense and a brain! I just got out of class at the university! Why can't I relax? Especially after a concert too! Y'all are trying to kill me here!"

"That's great. But can you explain WHY again why you're here to bother me? Don't you have homework or something?"

"No, too lazy to."

"And so you go and harass the poor person."

"Yeah, pretty much. Why don't you tell us a story? I wanna hear a story!!"

The circular motion of eyes rolling has always been one of my favorite things to witness. However when Sungmin and his peers did a synchronized parody of it, I couldn't help but smile a bit. It's the simplest things that can make a smile happen, funny how true that can be at times.

Might as well humor them while I have this chance.

"Alright Kangin, I'll tell you a story, what do you want to hear about?"

"I wanna hear about the one where you came out of no where and somehow became out designer!"

I swear, I need a defibrillator for my face, the habit of twitching whenever under stressful conditions or anything that is slightly annoying to me is quite the annoyance in itself. Ah well, nothing I can do about it now.

"How I came here... Well... let's see I got the call from your manager, got on a plane with a ticket and some money, and then flew here in about twenty hours. That's how I got here."

"Nonsense! Tell us from the beginning!" Kangin commanded as a loud 'Fwump' was sounded from him jumping onto the couch. "I wanna know about your life and everything! Mr. Manager didn't tell anything to us when you came in. He just told us that you were new."

Sungmin nodded, synchronized perfectly with the other two, Hankyung and Heechul, who had also decided to crash at my place.

Seemed like everyone had their day off.

Damn.

Ah's well... might as well just humor them while I'm at this.

"Alright. If it really makes you happy to know the details of one insignificant person, I only request this. Don't interrupt me when I'm talking. My train of thought doesn't like being wrecked too much. Got that?"

"Yeah... Just start telling us the story already."

"Alright. Well, as you all should have surmised by now, I'm not from here. I'm actually from the States. Born and raised in a little city near the capital, I pretty much had a normal life. Yashi Mogami... really isn't my name, the story of that is something else. Anyways, I had the usual American Asian parents, very strict, very cold, not too loving, not too supportive of my endeavors, the usual..."

_"Jenni... What do you want to be when you grow up?" _

"_I wanna be a writer mommy, I want to write for a living!" _

_SMACK. _

"_I don't ever want to hear something stupid like that come out of your mouth again! You think you're good enough to write?! You'll never be as good as those white people! The only thing that will be able to support you is to go into the medical field!"_

_It's always been like that... always been her way. I don't think I've ever remember a moment when she actually cared about my wants and my desires. _

_Maybe that's what made me what I am today. Someone who's always neutral, someone who's never really had her own opinion._

_Just... always following the flow that the world created. Following the niches that society created. _

_I'm such an emo._

"Eventually I got to high school, met some really cool people and got myself connected. After those four years of Hell on Earth, I went to college. I swear I left my heart down there, those were the best years of my life. During my service there, I majored in Biology and Creative Writing, with a minor in psychology. That was my life. No matter what I wanted to do myself, my parents wishes and wills were always above mine. I suppose that's what I get for being so submissive over the years, but that's basically over with..."

_"What are you going to major in?"_

_A question dreaded by anyone who was within the age range of eighteen and twenty seven._

"_Pharmacy." _

_An answer that was a lie..._

"_Ooh, that's nice, you'll be able to help out so many people then!"_

"_Yeah... I'm going to get a major in Biology first though."_

_An explanation that was just an excuse to run away._

"_That's good for you! So good for you!"_

"_Yeah... thanks..." _

_A thank you that doesn't need to be there..._

_A life of lies that I have to live.  
_

"And yeah... I somehow got my art portfolio teleported here or something, cause one day when my best friend and I were about to starve on the streets, I got a call from you all and got the job here. The end."

"Oh.. so that's how it happened..." Kangin muttered, his face wrinkled and distorted in deep thought. "I see..."

"Are you happy here?"

The question took me aback. Something that I hadn't expect from them.

"Well? Are you?"

The fact that all of them are leaning over and listening intently freaks me out slightly. Its as if they're stalkers or something.

"... I don't know..."

I really don't. I don't know if I should be searching for that happiness that I once held so dear... or just keep hating... just keep hating this world that I don't belong in.

Which brings me to wonder. Why was it that I hated them in the first place? For their impudence... yes... for their complete lack of humility... yes... for their complete lack of common sense in one person... yes... for their sheer stupidity at times... of course... and ...

_And?_

Because I envy everything that they have.

Maybe... maybe that's why I'm so bitter towards them... why I'm completely blinded by hatred. Because of envy.

God... I'm such a moron.

"You... Don't know?"

Such a simple question, but at the same time, so hard to answer. Should I tell the truth? Should I tell them the lie that I've been living for so long?

"No... I don't know..."

Might as well... they'll find out about everything else later anyways. A lot easer just to get it over with now...

"Why not?"

"Because... I have no idea... how to search for it when I'm blind..."

"Blind? How so? You can see perfectly from what I can tell..."

"Never mind... Just... never mind..."

"Does... that mean that you're happy here then?"

The tone, the way that Hankyung had interrupted and asked the simple question makes me wonder.

What makes a happy person?

"I... I suppose I'm not... I suppose... all I am... is a person... searching for that happiness in this world..."

"Searching huh..."

"Yeah..."

"Well... Welcome to the club. Let's all search together!" Heechul announced suddenly, making this situation a bit lighter than what it should be. "Let's be a secret organization in SM Entertainment where we go and search for happiness beyond what we have already!"

"Here, here!" Kangin cheered and threw his fist up in the air.

"Yes... Let's all search for that happiness that everyone's missing..."

"Yes... let's..."

Dear God... Thank you. I haven't loved you too much... and quite frankly, I still don't believe in you, but... thank you for giving me a second chance to see things differently.

It's good to know there's going to be some sort of support in this business... even if it [i_is[/i _from a bunch of boys who already have all the happiness in the world.

_But you know... it's good to have company again..._

Yes... it's good to feel... the pursuit of happiness again.

To feel friendship again.

I only wish I knew if this were real or not.


	13. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12: Bu Neng Shou Mi Mi (Secrets I Can't Tell)**

_[iSometimes a thousand twanging instruments Will hum about mine ears,[/i_

This place never ceases to amaze me with all the people in it. All the world could not explain the oddities that I have seen in this place. How beautiful the music that reaches my ears is. The beauty of watching graceful humans, people so much more gifted than I, dance across an invisible stage to an imaginary audience. Guitars, drums, voices, instruments of all kinds, I hear them all through the thin wall of my studio. All of them I hear, and every time, I want to cry.

Their creations are such beautiful things.

_[iAnd sometimes voices That, if I then had waked after long sleep Will make me sleep again:[/i_

Sometimes, I wonder if it's all worth it, if it's all a sham, an illusion. Something I want to escape. Sometimes, I wonder if this is all a dream. But then, I wake up in the middle of the night, and find myself here, in this this foreign place. I wake up and I wonder. What those beautiful voices that I work for have done to this world.

They made the world crazy.

They have made so many girls crazy.

And they...

Are slowly driving me into a blissful insanity.

_[iAnd then, in dreaming The clouds methought would open, and show riches ready to drop upon me,[/i_

Dreaming seems to be the only way that I can find bliss beyond the work hours that have been granted to me. Dreaming of ethereal, the non existent, the world that I once lived in. I miss those days. It is sad, but yet so true, I miss innocence, the happiness and the innocent. I miss all those things that I once had, the things that I had lost.

The world that had shattered.

_[ithat when I waked I cried to dream again.[/i_

And I cry silently, without anyone knowing. Without anyone caring.

And no one has to know.

This is the secret that I will never disclose to people.

That I am such a weak person.

It's amazing that even the ugliest of all characters could speak beautiful lines. It's amazing that even the most plain person could become beautiful. It's amazing that even the most perfect life, a life filled with happiness, could be frozen and shattered so quickly.

Such is my life.

The pieces laid across a vast plane of ever shifting sand, a world with no water, and without any end. Just an endless sea. My life was scattered across a plane that was so vast, so unexplored that I had no courage to pursue those pieces.

But one by one. I am regathering those pieces that had broken off. I can feel my life lightening up slowly, but surely. Slowly with the new help of my new demented family known as Super Junior.

According to them, I'm a younger sister to a bunch of them while I'm also 'mommy' and 'nanny' and 'little daughter' at the same time. Half the time, I'm trying to figure out if I'm hallucinating all of this or not.

However, I do have to say, life is much more interesting now ever since that one incident last night. Not that I should really care, men never keep their secrets, they always figure out a way to screw around with the rules and get away with it. Or at least, that's what I've always gathered.

In short, most of the men in my life are complete and utter bastards.

But at least these guys are funny complete and utter bastards, not that I should really care. I swear, I came here for one thing. That was to work. I don't think I expected to make friends with my superiors, nor did I expect to find happiness with spending time with them.

Co-habitation has the weirdest effect on the human mind sometimes.

So many things that I have once missed, the hugs, the all night chats that sometimes lead to debates on morality, the happiness of just listening to other people. It slowly comes back with this little demented family.

_[iWe are such stuff as dreams are made on.[/i_

And we are nothing more than that. Nothing more than a few dreams strung together, thrown together by whatever fates were weaving threads at that point.

Thrown together by the pieces of hearts that were missing. Pieces that could only be found with other people. Thus, we are all connected, sharing pieces of our hearts to each other, all of us looking for that one piece in the future that would bring us to perfection, to happiness, to that world that we all seek for.

And thus, brings me to the gathering, once again, in my little apartment with six men, each one of them here on a whim, here on their own will. And by their own will, they are doing absolutely nothing.

What a joy.

"Yashi... Do you have a Cyworld?"

Whining tone, a tone that I can never get myself to get used to. A tone that is mingled with curiosity, but something about it has never made it something to merit love from me. Something about the tone of whining has always drawn me to clam up.

But perhaps, I could make an exception for these guys. They'll find out about it eventually.

"Yeah, it's the one you stalk, Sungmin, the one in both English and Korean."

It was the day after Heechul had announced that he, Sungmin, Kangin, Hankyung and I were to search for happiness beyond what we already had in this world. It was also one of those days where everyone just felt lazy and didn't want to go out drinking, and thus, decided to crash at my place once again.

And then, there was silence. All eyes on me. Spotlight, everything is directed towards one person. So this is what fame feels like. A thousand eyes bearing into a singular person. However, the fact that I'm no where near performing anything in front of these men. I'm just being scrutinized for the things they have probably already found out about.

Bugger. Looks like I'm screwed.

"... You... wrote that pretty poem?" Wide eyed in amazement, Sungmin is suddenly several inches closer than he needs to be.

Hello, why yes, you ARE intruding on my personal bubble, back up please?

"... I wouldn't call it pretty. It was more or less on a whim."

"Whim or not, it was good enough for Sungmin to print it out and show it to our manager." Heechul muttered languidly from his position on the couch. That man, I never understood him, he's this enigma character, someone who's actions are not dictated by this world or anyone within it.

"Wait, what?!"

"Yeah... I showed it to him! I wanted to use it for our next song! Or at least use some lines from it..."

Large brown puppy eyes only a few inches from my face.

HELLO. PERSONAL BUBBLE HERE. STOP INVADING IT.

"Hells no."

"Why not?"

"If I told you I'm pretty sure you'd wonder what kind of person I am, completely doubt anything I've ever said to you, and no doubt never want to speak to me again."

"And why not?"

"It's funny what blogs can do to someone eh? Funny how an identity can be hidden through a fake name, a fake attitude, something to cover the true intentions of a writer."

"Uh... once more and this time in half the syllables?"

"In short, if you've ever read any of my English blogs, you'll understand that the Korean ones are more or less the complete opposite of whatever the hell I wrote. Quite frankly, I hated every single moment I was here, for this reason. I was blind and viewed you guys as thorns at my side, something that needed to be taken out and eradicated so that I could go home."

"Home?"

Ha, right, I live here, at SM Entertainment, a place where 'dreams' come true and a place where 'stars' are born. This is my home, my place of true love, a place where I could come and make friends, make a new life, live a life of fame. Totally, this is my home.

"Why yes, surprisingly enough, I lived in another place other than this bleak white hellhole here. Isn't that a surprise?"

"Really? Is it in the States?"

At this point, it was once again, story time. I keep on getting myself dragged into these situations where I just happen to be the center of unwanted attention. Seriously, maybe they should just read my resume, I'm pretty sure with a couple of sticky fingers and some distractions here and there they would be able to read my whole life story in about five minutes.

"Well, where else would it be? I'm pretty sure I've never really lived anywhere other than here and there, oh, and maybe with my underground friends the moles, they're a gray color and like to eat our left over pizza."

"..."

"You're joking right?" Hankyung's slightly dazed and confused face seriously makes me want to go and hug him. It's too adorable, funny how serious the guy can get when he wants to be. It's also funny how I've grown attached to that guy, like a little sister. Then again, being an only child, I suppose it's only human nature to cling onto someone who exudes such an aura. Maybe, just maybe if I had a sibling things would be different than now.

"What else would I be doing?"

"But... you said it with a straight face!"

"M'dear, all good jokes are told with a straight face. The fact that you actually fell for it just means that you're a bit of a slow and oblivious person."

"Do you normally ramble on like that? You sound like me...I'm the only one who's allowed to ramble!" Heechul whined. "You're not allowed to ramble on more than me!"

"... Oh? And is that written in stone there?"

"... No..."

"Exactly my point. Thus, I can ramble on about nonsensical things as well as you. Last time I checked it was a free world, and I was allowed to have my say in most things... Except for where I sell my soul to."

"You do, it's just that you sometimes think you don't have a choice, it's because you haven't looked at all of them."

Silence for another moment, but it's different than before, this time, it is the sound of thinking, the clockwork of our minds slowly turning, I can hear it, I know it, I've trained my ears to do so... or maybe that's just my clock ticking.

Whatever, close enough.

"Hey... Yashi, is there anything that you miss from your home that just can't be found here?"

Kangin's curious look made some part of me want to slap him, something within me wanted to hit him for asking about those secrets that I had kept away from all of them. Then again, all those secrets that I have been keeping from these guys have been slowly leaking out to them, slowly, by my own will, I'm letting them in. Slowly, I swear, that cold disposition that I once had is melting and warming up, just a bit.

"... If I were to give you a list, I think you would bore you to about next week, however, if I were to narrow it down to the top five things I miss, it would be these things, my friends, their debates about almost anything, Azura, my dear little home, and literature."

"... Literature?" all four of them asked in unison.

It's as if they're looking at me with three heads. Is it really that odd for me to want the one thing that I obviously miss more than anything at this point?

"Yes, literature, books, words, profound statements, things that I can read, digest, and think about, I miss that above all things. I miss the English language, but most of all, I miss being able to write at a whim and working off of my mind, creating lives with almost nothing. To me, there is nothing in the whole world that could be any more fun than that."

More silent thinking, and more quite ticking of my clock. I swear, I need to go find a quieter one, this one sucks, it's too loud.

"What are your favorite books? If you're so into literature we could lend some of our books to you if you love it so much." Heechul was suddenly all eyes and ears and everything about his previously lazy persona was suddenly energetic. According to some of the fan ramblings that I've heard around the block, this pretty boy likes to write fairy tales in his spare time.

Wonder what he would think of me if I told him that I bastardized Sleeping Beauty to the point where she was a he and was also a hemophiliac. What a riot that would make.

"Books I like? I believe, I'll keep that a secret."

"Why? I'm sure we've got the books in our library somewhere!"

"Whatever, I'm still not telling you."

"Why not?"

"Because, it's a secret that I will never disclose to you guys."

"... You're mean."

"Welcome to the real world, Sungmin. Welcome to the real world. You'll realize that even sometimes the people you work with can be quite the bitch if you treat them right."

"Why are you so mean?"

"Walk in my shoes for a few days and you'll get it."

"So you'll never tell us?"

"When did this gathering become an inquisition?"

"When we felt like it, and when we started to wonder about you and your origins, you're like a daisy almost, you kinda just popped out of no where and quite frankly, you're quite plain, nothing like what we first expected."

"Thanks, I'll take that as a complement, Heechul."

"That was quite rude..."

"I'm not one to have any secrets, Hankyung."

"And I'm one to keep mine. If you want to know who or what I really am, maybe you should do some research, it comes in handy in real life. You'll come to realize one day that not everything is a walk in the park as a lot of your life is. Sure you'll be attacked by anti-fans, sure there will be crap that you have to take, and of course you'll be worked to death, everyone is, but you know, that's just the way life is. You really can't escape that circle."

[i_Knock, Knock, Knock[/i_

"Hey! We're going out to eat! You wanna come,Yashi? I hear you've been living on the cafeteria food for a while, why don't you come along? We'll treat!"

Skeptical eyebrow time. "... I ... suppose? What's the catch?"

"There isn't a catch! ... Come on! We just wanna be friends! Don't you want to be friends too?"

Whining. Once again, it's a tone that I can't stand. Might as well give in, cafeteria food at SM isn't exactly the most appetizing thing in the world. No offense to the chefs down there.

"I suppose... Might as well get to know this place a bit better just in case I get stranded and can't find anyone who decides to be merciful on my poor pathetic soul, at least I'll know where a restaurant is so I won't starve."

"That's the spirit! Let's go!"

Hankyung pulled me into a sort of one armed embrace as we walked out to the parking lot where a company car was waiting. "It's cold, and at least this way we can both be slightly warm." That was all the explanation that he gave me to his odd behavior.

"... Thanks... 'big brother'."

"Hey, that's what I'm here for, and since I'm your big brother, I demand to know all your inner secrets, they're safe with me."

"... I'm sorry... But there are just some secrets that I cannot tell..."

"No worries, we've got the rest of the year that you have with us to find out what they are, I'm a patient guy."

"... You sound like some of my friends back at home..."

"Then I suppose I'll be the closest thing to them as you'll get."

"... Thank you, Hankyung... Thank you..."


	14. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13: Hei Se You Mo (Black Humor)**

Dinner is an interesting affair in which thirteen young men and one designer, in which they had suddenly decided to become friends with, go out to a very fancy restaurant and dine upon cuisine that no human will be able to pronounce unless they were born with an ability to speak alien tongue.

Not surprisingly, I'm not one of those people.

However, as many say, the journey is always more important than the destination. The amazing thing is, it applies, even with a ten minute drive to a random restaurant in the middle of the city. It's quite amusing what people will say and do in an overly crowded company car, especially when they're hungry.

The fact that Hankyung was such a [i_gentleman[/i_ of all things perhaps scared me the most. Not only was he cordial, he was [i_nice[/i_ one normally doesn't meet people like that. The person he'll end up marrying will be a happy person indeed.

What? I'm not going to marry any time soon.

Don't plan on it.

Nor do I plan on seeing anyone.

Life is too fleeting to have anything long term. It's too short to have anything to be devoted to. I'm a kind of person who just does what I was sent to do. I shouldn't even be here in this car, with these people, traveling to some fancy restaurant.

I should be doing something productive, something worth while. I shouldn't be loitering around, at any moment, we could be doing something, but what I can I say, I was the one who dragged myself into this. I shouldn't be complaining.

But, that doesn't mean I can't continue to flame the world for not being fair now can I?

And still, life flies by, just as the lights and the scenery flies by as the car travels. The brilliant colored lights that I have yet to see. The lights of a city that I have yet to explore.

No thanks to these guys there.

"Is this the first time for you to be in the city itself and not in the studio?" Jaejoong drawled from his seat across from me, his current girlfriend was draped around him more thoroughly than his clothes at times it seemed.

Oh, forgot to mention, the DBSK boys decided to join us in our little adventure to a food laden location. So eighteen men, and a sprinkling of chosen girls in one not long enough stretch limo and one gets enough room to breath maybe and that's about it. What a joy. What a joy indeed. As if I need to be any more claustrophobic than I already am. Blame an overcrowded high school for that problem.

"... Yeah, it's my first time out and actually about, the only places that I've really gone to are the studio and my lodging, I never really found a need to actually do more than that."

"You poor dear!" The girl exclaimed in a high pitched, fake, sugar-coated voice. A small pout was on her make up caked face as she nuzzled the pop-star that she sat in the lap of. "How can you LIVE like that! What are your hobbies! Don't you ever get the urge to do anything other than just being cooped up? How did you even get IN with a face like that?!"

"SungYo, be nice." Jaejoong half scolded with a small chuckled, stroking the perfect girl's hair.

He sure loves to show off the fact that he's love.

"She doesn't have to if she doesn't want to." People like her disgust me, but, if this is the way that life will be like for the rest of my stay, might as well deal with them as I am, hopefully she can catch sarcasm when it's thrown blatantly at her. "Miss... Sungyo, I cannot help but be so drab against someone as gorgeously beautiful as you, I'm surprised that so many companies are trying to vie for you right now for your body in their modeling expeditions."

"A Ha ha ha ha!! Finally! Someone who knows what TRUE beauty is! It took me YEARS to get this gorgeous body! I'm only a hundred and ten pounds you know! Ha! You know, I could give you tips if you want, with your darkened complexion and your hair, you could probably pass for an Indian crossbreed or something at this point in time! Ha ha ha! Drab indeed! You're like a peasant against the royal court in this car!"

Don't cry.

Her words can't hurt me.

They can't hurt.

"...Sungyo... that's enough... That's very rude of you---"

"Oh no, please, let her go on, I'd like to know the flaws that I have. If she's so inclined to make the world a better place by making all women go anorexic and completely submissive to the man that they love. I'm sure a world filled with women who cannot think is [idefinitely_[/i_ the kind of world that I would want. I'm so flawed and plain against you all, I cannot but only [i_look[/i_ at the brilliance that you emanate! Oh please princess SungYo! Go on! Tell us more of this perfect world of yours! I am all ears!"

Don't cry.

I'm stronger than this.

I am perfectly balanced.

I don't need to be beautiful.

Just as long as words are.

"Oh! It would be a pleasure to!" Another twitter of giggling from the model before me. She really can't tell sarcasm and worship apart. Wow, I can't believe I'm actually witnessing this with my own eyes, I hand never thought of people this DENSE. "You see, the only reason that a woman is on Earth is to bear children and to love her husband! I'm a model, because I'm more beautiful than all the other of my ugly fat friends. They were supportive of my whole cause! Ha! It feels great to be loved by millions! Anyways, back to my point. Women are only here for this reason. We bear children, we cook, clean, and work if we have to, but for the most part, we are only tools and love toys for our men. Isn't that right JJ?"

"Yes... yes that's right..." The tenderness in his voice could make me smack him right then and there.

Restraint dear Yashi, just a little restraint. He's just as narrow minded as the last one.

You can smack him later. Not in front of all these people though.

"SungYo..." Another girl pipped up, I think she introduced herself as Lotta or something. "Don't you think your ideal of a life is a bit on the extreme side? Don't you think that women could do things too?"

"HA! Yeah right! We're too weak to! We need the support of men! We can't end up like this toiling underling here now can we?"

I don't think I could ever forget that scene, the girls in the car all nodding in unison at my "butch" and "Un-lady-like" attitude, the soft giggles at my obvious odd life style that they could never understand. The very fact that a single perfectly manicured hand with brilliant red painted nails was pointing at me for being being god forsaken [i_different_[/i.

So this is what being shunned feels like.

This is what it feels like to be not included by the people of the same gender as one. Thus is the feeling of being omitted from a society that one had always thought to be a part of. Thus is the feeling of despair, the feeling of never being able to fit in. Thus is the feeling of sorrow.

Now is a good time to come back with a scathing retort. That was too far.

"Now... don't you think you're over----"

"Hey, we're here!" The driver called from his seat out in the front.

The lights from outside stop moving, they stop for the seconds that the earth quit moving as well. The feeling of traveling stopped and back into the mundane world where everything travels slowly we step.

Grand ballrooms. That is what I'm suddenly reminded of as the cold air blasts into the limo when the door is open. The season for grand balls thrown by the nobles of old. This was the season when one could don on a mask, dress in the most extravagant outfit known to man, dance to his or heart's content.

And then.

At the stroke of midnight, shed the mask to show the hidden face, the face that could be waiting for that knight to save her, or that damsel to make his heart constrict in his heart at the very sight of her. These are the nights that dinner should be a grand affair in which multiple hours should be invested into dressing up and making sure everything is perfect.

Though I'm sure that SungYo and her buddies do that on a daily basis. The way that they talk and continuously ramble on how much makeup and how long it took them makes me wonder if there is anything else that is more important them other than their love life and their looks.

I wonder what color their soul would be.

I wonder.

I just wonder sometimes.

What kind of life it would be like if one could live like that. To live a life where everything is handed to you. To live a life where nothing needs to be done but to pose and look pretty. To worry about nothing but oneself. To have so many heartaches from people who only love you for your looks.

I wonder.

"Sheesh... it's so cold!" SungYo's high pitched voice could be heard clearly in the crisp cold air of early November.

The cold weather that I'm so used to being inside for. The weather that was so perfect for writing, lounging in the living room with a laptop actually on my lap, the only company that is needed is a good friend, such as Leigh, and the quite crackle of fire and the gentle tapping of fingers upon keyboard to accompany the crackle. The soft sounds of such a night. So cozy, so warm. It almost makes me forget where I am from the very memory of it. It almost takes me back.

Back to the memories where I should be living.

"Aish! And you're the dumb one who forgot a jacket!" Jaejoong muttered. "So much for looking 'hot enough to resist the cold'." The pop star grumbled and shed off his jacket, draping it over her slender shoulders as if she was some sort idol that would mean the end of the world should she get a cold.

It was then when I realized how small I was.

How small we all were. How there were so many things in this world that we could be doing and yet, here we are, wasting our time and complaining how cold we are.

It's funny. In this world, that is connected by all these people that we know, in this world in which we are all so connected, it's odd to know that we could all so bleakly different.

It's so funny, it's almost like a black void if one could make a crappy metaphor for it. A humorous black void. Black humor.

Black. Like the sky that is right above us. Clear and slightly twinkling with stars that are trying so hard to fight against the brighter street lamps of the city.

"Hey... Aren't you cold too?"

"I'll be fine, Hankyung. I'm not so weak as to be cold in weather like this. It's only about fifty out here."

"You should still be careful, you could catch a cold."

"I'm pretty sure I'm the resilient type... I don't think I'll get sick any ti---"

"We don't want to take that chance." He whispered softly draping his coat over my shoulders. "It'd suck to go into concert with half ass-ed outfits."

Scratch whatever I had said about him being a knight to the girl he'll end up dating. This guy's a sneaky asshole like the rest of them.

But what sucks, is that I can't help but still consider him a friend. I still can't help but be attached to him like a little child who had lost her parents.

The weight of a warm jacket suddenly hits my shoulders as once again, I'm snapped out of my favorite place in the world. Looking up, I see none other than Yunho standing there, staring straight forward at our destination, which just happened to be a walk way that seemed to stretch for miles upon miles of red carpet that was lavishly ornate with embroidery of all things that one could think of. The chill air of the night was the only thing that allowed me to keep the jacket on my shoulders.

There was no need to say thank you. He already knows I'm grateful.

There's no need to think that he thinks of me anymore than accomplice, a friend at most. With the girl he's dating, what more does he want?

"Aya! Yunho! You'll catch a cold!" his girl cried out in horror. "Why are you helping [i_her[/i_ and not me? What about me?!"

"You've got your own coat, I don't see why you need mine, Haneul"

"I don't need it anymore. You've got your voice to worry about. I'll be fine."

The soft flutter of cloth hitting his body was oddly a sound that miffed me. It was like catching a butterfly if one could make a crappy analogy of the situation. If friendship were a butterfly, I would be the catcher of such the elusive creature. Fragile. Free. Elusive. Beautiful. Unattainable. Just as my attempts, their attempts at friendship.

But what can I do?

I don't fit in.

I'm nothing but a black sheep.

"Hey...quit beating yourself up... your face isn't pretty when you do that..."

Once again, Hankyung to the rescue. As much as I want to hate it, as much as I want to avoid these men, as much as I want to continuously despise them with the darkest of my sarcasm and my heart.

I cannot.

There's just something within me that refuses to let me hate them with all my heart as I once did.

"I'm not beating myself up. I was just thinking."

"Oh? And thinking requires you to wrinkle your brow and scowl to the point where there are people staring at you?"

"Yes actually, yes it does."

"Lovely. Anyways, ladies first."

The gilded doors to the elegant restaurant opens and I am welcomed by the a waft of warm air and the smell of food.

It was then when I realized how hungry I was. Not eating for over ten hours is bad for anyone who isn't one of those models there yonder. What sucks is that, I had been on the above said diet for about two months with all the errands that life decides to throw at me.

And quite frankly I look pale, pasty, and sickly. Being thin by not eating is seriously not good for my health, nor anyone else's. But what do they care? Being under a hundred pounds and being at the height of five foot nine is the ideal body for one.

Bullshit.

What's the point when one's so thin that when turned sideways that one will disappear? I'd like to see myself thank you very much. And that means to eat. Something that I hope to do quite a bit of while I'm here. As long as I don't have to pay. I'm too broke to afford anything under this room from the look of things.

Plush carpet, extravagant ball gowns, masks, old lace, frills, ruffles, cravats, all the things that make a masquerade. They were all there. Everything.

"Welcome ladies and gentlemen! We welcome you to our grand ball to celebrate your success!" A voice, a young man's, cried out from above us. Decked in the color of the night he was, a mask covered his face and his platinum blond hair was combed back into a short ponytail.

The way he talked was so familiar.

"Come, come! Let us go and get you dressed into something more ah... appropriate for the setting!" The man cheerfully shouted, running down the steps and approaching our party of twenty some odd. "Come, come! We've been waiting for you!"

His gait, his voice, his manner of speaking. I feel like I've seen this before.

But who?

Why does this elude my mind?

Why can't I remember?

"Come now! Don't be shy! We'll lead the way!" A brilliant smile, bright, beautiful, perfect. "We've got everything waiting for you lot! Come along now! Quickly! Quickly! We don't want to waste any time now do we?"

A white gloved hand on my shoulder.

Not anyone's that I know. A stranger's.

No. Not a stranger's. This is someone I know.

A masked face I am confronted with. Twinkling blue eyes that sparkled with a black humor that I am so used to at home. And the mischievous smile that I know so well.

"Especially you... Mercutio..." He whispered into my ear when everyone was being ushered away. "Especially you our precious little Mercutio..."

I knew it.

How is it then I could have forgotten someone as precious to my memory as he?

"Raphael...What... what are you doing here?"


	15. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14: Shi Jie Mo Ri (End of the World)**

"Raphael... What... Why... How..."

"Shh... Just follow those guys and get dressed. We can talk later when everyone else is having a 'ball'."

That smile. That voice. Those eyes. Everything. I can't believe that I wasn't able to recognize it at once. I can't believe I've forgotten so much during my three months here. I can't believe I've misplaced so many memories in my mind.

"Come on now. Let's get you changed."

Another familiar voice. A female this time though. Small slender hands grabbed my own and lead me towards the changing room. A flash of brilliant crimson there, a touch of gold there, a magnificent mask of gold, feathers and rubies, and a fiery costume all over. The very image of the ferocity within a small body, the very embodiment of a life. "Come now Little Mercutio! It's been ages since we've seen you! Let's dress you up like we used to and subject you to layers of make up!"

"... This is a masquerade... can't we just slap a mask on me, Nana?"

"... First off... why don't you just call me Jo like the rest of the sane people. And second, even IF this IS a masquerade, I'm still slapping make up on you. We can't have our dearest Mercutio wandering around in his fine garb without some make up for when everyone unmasks themselves!"

"... Fine. You win. Just... don't go overboard."

"When have I ever?"

"... We won't go there."

"Indeed we won't. Seriously, I'm as surprised as any one else when I heard that you were here, I heard from Raphael who heard from Juliet who heard from Leigh... Seriously, you sure like to make yourself scarce... And not even saying goodbye to us?! What were you thinking?!" 

Soft shuffling of cloth. A brilliant blue satin coat, embroidered with butterflies, along with matching pants emerged in her hands. The soft cloth shimmered like water in the dim light of the changing room, rippling in her arms at every move she made. At every move, a blue butterfly moved.

Blue Butterflies. My first book.

My first novel about the Montegue that many people call 'Mercutio'.

The origin of the nickname.

My beloved Shakespear character.

"How... did you know..."

"Well, after we heard from her, we decided to use up Raphael's rich parent's money and throw a grand ball for these guys and so well, yeah. That's why we're here. Not everyone's here though... Leigh, Juliet, Sarah, Tammi, Joe and a couple of other people couldn't make it. Then again, I'm not surprised... it's a first time for all of us to throw a party over seas..."

"Nana..."

"Shush up and get changed. There are also a ton of those pretty celebrity Asians here too. So don't worry about your pretty boys mingling with us. Just... have fun. That's what the mask it for."

"And the outfit... how... it's the very image of Mercutio in the book..."

"When you're a child billionaire in charge of a corporate company worth more than one can think... anything is possible... That and he stole your sketches."

"... I was wondering where they went..."

"Well, enough wondering. It's about time your crossdressing hobby resurfaced dear, Mercutio. Come on now! Let's get you in this!"

Soft, shimmering, the shuffle of cloth as it moves. It has always been a comforting sound to me. The sound of art come to life. That is the reason I can still see the world as it is. The small comfort that soemthing is still a comfort.

I'm so glad I'm built like stick. It makes crossdressing much easier on those donning on clothes.

"EEEK! What... did you do to your hair?!"

Nana's scream could be heard several rooms over I would think, I'm surprised the mirrors haven't cracked on us yet from the sheer volume that she emitted from her lips.

"... I... believe I grew it out?"

"NO!!! THE COLOR! IT'S... BLACK!"

"... Yeah... that's its natural color. I dyed it back when I graduated from college."

"NO! CHANGE IT BACK! CHANGE IT BACK! WHAT HAPPENED TO THOSE GORGEOUS BLUE STREAKS?! WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM?!"

"Chill out... I just colored over them. It's not that big of a deal... we can cut and dye it again when I come back home. Okay?"

"... You better come to me for that. I claim dibs on dying your hair. Since Juliet's the only one who's allowed to touch your hair when it comes to cutting it..."

"Right..."

The gentle tug of my own hair being pulled, the quick twists that the wrist makes when doing hair, all of these are such feelings of being pampered and loved that is so hard to get used to, especially when it is I who normally does the pampering. In the mirror I saw Nana plait my hair into three tiny braids at the side of my head, holding them together with a large feather laden hair ornament, the rest of my hair was quickly also braided into along plait and left there. Good, simple, to the point and just extravagant enough for this fiasco.

"So... Why did you do it Merc?" Nana asked as she started to powder my face with a large object that was about the size of Texas itself.

White fluff pooled itself around us as the foundation powder came off of the compact, onto the applicator (which at this point looked like a mitten that one would use to apply wax to a car) and then onto my face. Then, the waxy feeling of lipstick followed suit, along with the commands of opening and closing my eyes for mascara, eyeliner, and eyeshadow.

I could have done this myself.

But it wouldn't have looked as good.

Even with these three months where make up was a mandatory part of every day life, I'm still quite make up challenged.

Feels good to be able to have someone who knows what she's doing to do it for me.

"Why did I do what?"

"Leave us. Why'd you do it? Why did you go away? Why didn't you tell us? Do you have any idea how worried we were?! You didn't answer phone calls, Leigh was going through depression and wouldn't say anything until a week ago, you were never online, seriously! We thought you had died or something!"

"... I just thought... I just thought that you guys wouldn't miss me that much. I figured... it'd be easier to not say goodbye... it'd hurt less..."

A small sigh escaped Nana's lips after my feeble excuse for an explanation. "Jenni... It hurt more to know that you just went disappearing than if you had said goodbye... But let's not dwell on those thoughts for now shall we? Let's just have our fun for the night eh? When was the last time someone had spoken in English to you?"

"Too long..."

"Exactly my point. Go have fun out there. And don't care who it is you talk to, you're all equal with masks on."

Without further explanation she shoved a delicately decorated mask into my hands. A butterfly. Funny how it signifies so many things for being such a fragile creature.

I want to be a butterfly.

No one ever suspects the butterfly.

Just as no one suspects the fragile heart that we all as humans have. Just as no one expects for me to be anything more than I am already. Just as no one can expect the future.

The heavy oaken doors opened to reveal the lavish ballroom once again, only the once bright lights that illuminated the area had been dimmed down to a warm, dull glow that allowed for the people to interact without having to care about any implications of visage or of actual people.

The scent of roses and lavender wafted from the incense burners hidden in the corners. Leave it to Raphael to make it the most romantic thing since chocolate on Valentines day. I need to attach myself or make myself invisible before any harpies believe I'm really a male and try to make the moves on me. With all this lovely scent, it's no doubt that the pheromones will be flying tonight and sex will be off the charts as well tonight.

Leave it to Raphael to rekindle any sort of feelings I had for him. Leave it to him to bring back my memories of him. Of our little dates.

And my abrupt leaving.

God dammit. Just leave it to him.

"Little Mercutio... I believe I owe you an explanation?"

His voice. So beautiful, melodious, low, lilting, perfect. Just like the rest of him. The reason I fell in love with him in the first place.

"Yes... I believe you do."

"But I think... that you owe me one first. You were the one who never answered the phone calls. You were the one who instigated all of this."

"What did you want me to do Raphael? Just waltz over to your place and ask for a loan? You know I have more pride than that."

"Well you could have swallowed your pride and just come to me. You know I would have helped you. You know I would have done everything in my power to help."

"Yes, but I also know how your parents hate me. Just like my parents do. There's no room for a writer like me in your life. Just leave it. Can't you just put our relationship behind you? We're over. You've got your dad's business and your fiancée. Can't you just leave what we had behind? I'd be so much easier on all of us. Please..."

"Leave you?!" his voice was close to a hiss, a spine shivering sound that resembled nails on a chalkboard. His face was livid with fury. "Why the Hell would I leave you?! I threw this thing together just to see you again! What in the name of blazing hells makes you think I want to go back to Iliyana? I don't care about the damned company! I just want to see you happy!"

He wants to see me happy.

Something I haven't heard in the longest time. A phrase that I had ached to hear from a certain someone since the first time we had associated ourselves with each other.

He truly wants to see me happy.

"Raphael. Please... I loved you before... but... I don't think anything we try will work. You should let go... There's a woman who loves you very much. You shouldn't be running around the world for someone who doesn't belong with the rich."

"You? Don't belong with the rich?!" He cried out incredulously as the two of us tried to make our way through the large crowd that was in the vicinity. His exclamation brought the attention of several other celebrities that had been flirting with complete strangers it seemed. "You're working in one of the most renowned companies in the WORLD. You're getting a six figure salary for your ART. What are you talking about not belonging?! For all I know you were BORN to be in this world!"

I shook my head at his statements. "Raphael... that's one thing that you'll never understand. I like the way I am. I like the fact that I shouldn't mingle in that world there yonder. I'm perfectly content with the way that I am with my stature. Once this year is over... I'll just be happily living in my home with Leigh and writing. That's all I ever wanted. Just enough to write for the rest of my life."

His brilliant blue eyes glistened with tears at my words. Then again, I had just claimed that our love shouldn't have existed. I had just claimed that he wasn't important to me anymore. I had just told him that I didn't want him in my life anymore.

I had told him that he was invalid in my heart.

"So... that's the way it's going to be isn't it Mercutio?"

"I suppose..."

"Then... allow me one last kiss my lady. Allow me one last butterfly kiss for the lady that I love."

"How could I say no to that?"

When was the last time someone held me like this? When was the last time someone told me they cared? Will this be the last?

His lips are as soft as I last remember them. Gentle, caring, warm, loving. The woman who marries him will be one happy person indeed. His breath is a sweet smelling as I last remember, the smell of cologne overwhelming and poignant as always. Everything.

I want to remember this last kiss.

I want to remember everything.

Everything of the man that I loved once.

All this for the unclear future.

We break apart. The lingering taste of his mouth and his scent are still engraved in my memory.

"Mercutio... When... do you think the world will end?"

"At dawn, Raphael. At dawn."

"And why do you say that?"

"Because dawn... Is unsuspecting. She's new, rosy and innocent. It's always the young innocent ones whose lives are ended first. I thought you knew that."

"No... No I didn't..."

"Yashi!! Oye! Yashi where the hell are you?!"

It's hard to not know whose voice that was. I could recognize it from miles away. Once again, a knight has come to sweep away the princess.

But I don't know if I want to be a princess anymore. I don't know if I want to be the one who will be saved.

I'm sick and tired of it.

Maybe I'll be the one who does the saving.

"Yashi! Where the HELL are you?! Show your masked face already!"

"You could just wait until midnight... that might help out a bit... Everyone will drop their masks by then." Nana whispered walking by Hankyung. I could see that small smirk on her face. And when midnight strikes, I'll be like Cinderella. I'll run away the moment he finds out who I am.

I'll run away at dawn.

And disappear at the distance.

The person that they see now, the dolled up, fake, pretty girl won't exist.

And it will be the end of the world.

It will be the end of one world, and the beginning of another.

The clock strikes twelve.

[i_BONG[/I_

Rustling cloth and giggles. The couples remove their masks.

[i_BONG[/i_

The movement stills as gasps are heard through out the ballroom. Everyone is shocked at who they have spoken to over the course of the night.

[i_BONG[/i_

More clothes rustling as a soft murmur of chatter reverberates across the hall. Everyone is so ashamed of the past few hours. It's almost ludicrous.

[i_BONG[/i_

Princes meet with their true princesses that they have lost during the course of the night.

[i_BONG[/i_

Infuriated shouts and claims of betrayals escape from female lips.

[i_BONG[/i_

Tears of anger and sorrow on both sides.

[i_BONG[/i_

Consolatory remarks and gestures of sympathy.

[i_BONG[/i_

Tears are quelled by the princesses.

[i_BONG[/i_

And here I stand. Alone, my prince gone from my world. The one I wish to see, nonexistent.

[i_BONG[/i_

Ten strikes. A figure moves away from the crowd and towards me, Hankyung.

[i_BONG[/i_

My mask falls. Revealing the facade that had been put on for the past hours.

[i_BONG[/i_

Twelfth strike. My prince has found me. But it's too late.

The magic had worn itself off.

"Yashi... Where have you been?! What... what are you wearing? Why are you dressed up as a man?! Your friend told me I had to find you before midnight! Did I make it?! What is this?! Some sort of demented hide-and-seek game?!"

If I could engrave this in my mind forever I would.

If this moment could last forever I would will it so.

If I truly were the princesses that so many girls want to be, then I would be.

"... I'm sorry Hankyung... It's past midnight... and it's the end of the world now. You lost..."

And then, the tears start falling.

The tears of all the emotions that had been bottled up for so long. The tears of loves past and the unrequited one of the present. The tears of so many things.

The tears, of the end of the world.

The world ends at dawn.

For dawn is the the beginning of everything.


	16. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15: Jian Dan Ai (Simple Love)**

"I'm sorry, Hankyung... I'm not the princess you're looking for."

Nor was he the prince that I thought would come and save me from the despair of giving up a life that could have gotten me out of here.

What's wrong with me?

What ever happened to all those aspirations that I had?

Am I going blind?

"What are you talking about?"

"It's after midnight... Cinderella's spell wears off. You lost her."

I don't want them to see any more tears. I don't want them to see how weak I am. I don't want them to see me at all. I can't bare it for them to see me. The way I am.

"Hankyung... what's going on?" Heechul asked as he approached the two of us. "Did... did you make her cry? What's wrong?"

"I... I just said goodbye is all. Goodbye to someone special..."

A warm embrace from strong reassuring arms was all I needed. And I thank God that they came. I thank whatever power is above there for all the chances that its given me with these people.

What is it I wonder that attracts me to him so much? What is it that made me able to reach out to him and cry like a child who was lost?

What was it that made him so different from Raphael? Something about him allowed me to hold onto him, something about him made me hold on and cry my heart out.

"Shh... It's alright to cry every now and then... If that person were as special as you say he was... then it's alright... just let it out... Just let it out..."

The strains of classical music drift across the hallway from some unseen band at one end of the ballroom. The soft sounds of a soothing tune, the melancholy beat of a waltz.

If only the waltz of life was as easy as the dance itself.

"I don't know what to do, Hankyung... I don't know... I tired of all of this. Please, I'm tired of all of this... but I can't leave you all..."

"Shh... let's get you out of here... we can walk back. I don't think it's a good idea for you to go back in the limo in this condition."

"... A-Alright..."

"Come on... You keep on crying like that and your make up will end up making you look like a raccoon."

A soft laugh. The first one in a long time. The first time I had been able to let go of everything and just enjoy everything.

A warm hand engulfed my own clammy ones and gently led me out to the chilly November night. I am [i_so[/i _grateful for this outfit supplied to me. Plush velvet interiors do wonders during the cold nights such as this one. And still, the weight of a jacket is thrown atop my shoulders, the warm, comforting feeling of having someone care enough to even think about sacrificing his own comfort for the luxury of another.

Such chivalry. It's almost heroic.

"So... Tell me..." he said, staring at the night sky blocked by the street lamps of the city. "Tell me who was so special to you that you'd cry more tears than any other girl I've ever seen."

I saw this coming. I totally knew this was coming my way. Why else would he ask for a walk home of all things?

"H-... His name's Raphael..."

"Uh-huh... that's a pretty vague explanation."

[i_When forty winters shall besiege they brow, And dig deep trenches in they beauty's field.[/i_

"He... He was my boyfriend..."

"Was?"

"I ... Uh... Well... I broke up with him..."

"Oh... Why?"

[i_Thy youth's proud livery, so gazed on now, Will be a tatter'd weed of small worth held:[/i_

It's always this question that I can't stand. The one worded question that any professor, any professional, any writer hates to answer. It asks to justify any action, to quell any argument, and to spill all secrets.

I hate it.

But I don't see why I can't answer it.

It's all in the past. And it has nothing to do with me anymore.

I'm nothing anymore to him. He doesn't have anything to me anymore. The memories of the two of us should wither and die.

We weren't meant to be. He was too perfect. I was too flawed.

"He... he's a child billionaire... and he's just perfect... there was no way the two of us could have gotten anywhere. His parents despised me, I despised myself for falling for him in the first place... It... was just screwed up in the first place. If I could make a crappy analogy to the whole fiasco between him and I, it was like trying to crossbreed a rose with a weed. Things like that just don't happen."

[i_Then being ask'd where all thy beauty lies, To say, within thine own deep-sunken eyes, Were all-eating shame and thriftless praise.[/i_

"So... you and this Raphael... had... a relationship together eh?"

"That's what I'm trying to say, yes."

"But you didn't get with him because you were beating yourself up for being poor."

"In a world like the one we live in now. It's hard not to. If someone's rich, they wed within their social stature, they don't go anywhere beyond it. To do so is an unwritten taboo almost, for a lack of a better word."

"You know... I can see why he fell for you... but what you did was just stupid. He loved you for your personality, your charm, your actual beauty..."

"What use is it when you don't have any power to back it up?" 

"I suppose you've got a point there."

[i_How much more praise deserved thy beauty's use, If thou couldst answer "This fair child of mine Shall sum my count and make old excuse" Providing his beauty by succession thine![/i_

"The day that I left was the day that he became betrothed to his fiancée. I had nothing to do with him after that."

"I'll take it as he still came after you though."

"He did." I sighed, my breath crystallizing from the chill that the air around us produced. "Though he shouldn't have."

"From the sound of it, you two could have been happy together."

"We could have. If the circumstances would have permitted it."

"You know... before you smudged all of it, you looked quite good with the make up on."

"Flattery won't get you anywhere. Especially when I didn't put it on. Nana did."

"Oh... oh..."

[i_This were to be new made when thou art old, And see they blood warm when thou fell'st it cold. _

_-- William Shakespeare, Sonnet 2 [/i_

"A... Atchoo!"

"Aish! If you're going to be cold then why didn't you tell me?!"

Men are so stupid sometimes. Always acting as if they were the heroes. Why can't women be the ones who do the saving? The world would be a lot easier. There wouldn't be this many dumb incidents in which a singer would be willing to sacrifice his whole career to a nighttime walk.

"You looked as if you'd be cold... like before..."

"Well... I'm not. So here. Take it back. If you're going to risk your singing voice, then do it for a dumber girl than me. Take it back before I find a way to drag you to that ballroom again by the ear and make you put on another ten layers of clothing."

"... Yes mommy."

"Oh... you're really funny."

At least he's warmer now. Not my loss, I've got this lovely outfit supplied by Nana and courtesy Raphael. God... Why do I even have to think about him?

Shit. I'm crying again.

"Yashi... Yashi... was it something I said?" Hankyung was suddenly worried looming over me and hugging me.

"It's nothing that you said. It's just my demented life deciding to suck ass right now..."

"Hey.. everyone's got their down days. Your's just happens to be today. There's nothing that you can really do about it."

His hugs are so reassuring, so safe. I get the feeling that I could end up loving him more than I do now. If only someone else wasn't looming in my mind at the point.

[i_What say you? Can you love the gentleman? This night you shall behold him at our feast;[/i_

Everything about him is so kind, so gentle. All that I know about him though, is nothing. He's just a face with a name. Nothing more.

"Hey... Come on now.. cheer up... look... it's the Han River... Isn't it pretty?"

As if to add more water to my tears would help any.

Surprisingly enough, it did.

The grand river running through the town gives an odd sort of comfort to the depressing mood that loomed over the two of us.

[i_Read o'er the volume of young Paris' face, and find delight writ there with beauty's pen.[/i_

"It's times like these... When I realize how small we all are."

The grassy bank to the river was laced with ice. But I didn't care. I was tired, torn, broken and beaten. And for once, I wanted to rest.

"And why is that?"

"When you look at something so grand at this. You realize... that all that we do in this world. It's almost nothing compared to the grand scheme of things in the universe."

[i_Examine every married lineament and see how one another lends content [/i_

"That's a very depressing way to see life."

"At least it's realistic."

"Point taken."

He hadn't made any sort of move to sit down next to me, instead, he stood near by, staring out at the dark waters that reflected the lamp lights in a erratic pattern. It was then when I realized how beautiful of a person he was.

[i_And what obscured in this fair volume lies Find written in the margent of his eyes.[/i_

It was during this brief moment of silent between the two of us when I realized how much I actually cared for him for the short amount of time I had known him.

It was the care that I would give to a sibling, if I ever had one. It was the tender love that had been lacking in my life.

A simple kind of love. Void of any lust or passion.

[i_To this precious book of love, this unbound lover, To beautify him, only lacks a cover.[/i_

He's a perfect man. A perfectly beautiful man that I could love with all my heart if I could get over the heartache of another perfect man that I had loved.

For now however.

For now. I think I could just simply love Hankyung. Admire him for his person, love him for his kindness, and be completely content with the generosity that he has given to me.

"You feeling okay enough to go home now?"

His hand was outstretched, waiting, and inviting me to join him to go through this horrid journey together. We were both foreigners. We were in a sense both outcasts. There wasn't a reason why we shouldn't try banding together.

"Yeah... I'm ready to go home now."

"Good. Cause even with this coat on. I'm freezing. How you even [i_sat down[/i_ and stared at the river for who knows how long amazes me."

"I'm built tough. What can I say?"

He chuckled. A sound that even now I hold dear to my memory. A comfort in the bleak days that were to follow no doubt. A simple laugh that could brighten anything without too much effort.

Something that I would hold onto for many years to come to help me smile.

"Well, enough chit chat. Let's get home before we all die."

"That works for me."

And together, we walked hand in hand down the now empty streets, two sets of shoes moving together in an uneven rhythm, to an uneven future.

Such was the beauty of such a bond of simple love between us.

Such was the beauty of life itself.

For life is beautiful if one sees the simplicity of it all.

And then, we learn to love.


	17. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16: Bu Wan Zheng De Xuan Lu (Incomplete Melody)**

The moment I stepped through the door to my apartment after work that day, I knew something was wrong. There had to be something wrong, just the feeling of the air around me, the cold stifling feeling of drowning. I could feel it.

The happy little ray of sunshine that I had been living on for the past few days from the masquerade and the lingering effects that my friends from the states had as they constantly sneaked into my workplace to bother me until they had to leave. From the hyperactive joy that Nana exclaimed every time she stepped through the door and saw all the colorful clothing. (I had much trouble trying to restrain her from trying them all on. The boys would have aneurysms if they found out that they had not been the first to wear their own custom made clothings) To the gentle comforting quiet times that Raphael would drop by and just chit chat, back before we were more than friends.

All of that joy was suddenly drained from my life when I saw the letter on my table after work. I never got mail. This wasn't a possibility for me. SM had taken care of my room and board, so my bills were taken care of... my address here was pretty much confidential information... The only people who know it were those who were close enough to almost be immediate family.

The person who had sent it to me was none other than Leigh.

The fact that she even bothered to take out pen and paper to write a letter was enough to make me not want to know what was going on.

It was the words contained within that letter that hurt me more than anything though.

_[i"My dearest friend. I should begin this by saying I love you as much as when we first met. We'll always be best friends. Don't forget that. But... it's now time for me to move on. I'm leaving the house and moving in with some other friends. I can't help it, but... things just aren't the same as they were before, I feel that I just need some other human contact. I'm sorry. _

_I don't know what else to say... I still love you and all... but I just feel that I've become closer to these people more than I have you... don't worry...Juliet's living here now so you don't have to worry too much about the rent... I'm sorry, you're a great friend and all... and I do treasure the bond that we had over the years... but now... I have to break it. It's just not the same... and I feel like I've got something between Tracy, Rachel and I... I'm sorry... I really am._

_And good-bye._

_Love,_

_Leigh R. M. [/i_

Perhaps the most horrid feeling that I had ever felt was the feeling of betrayal. It brought to me all the things that I had been denying myself all this time.

I was a horrible person, there's no doubt about that. There is so much in this world that I had screwed up on. I had thought I was doing right.

Instead, I was doing only wrong.

[i_For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.[/i_

Damned physics.

Damned world.

Damned everything that I've done. What did I do to deserve this?

This... isn't happening... it couldn't be. No, there's no way that this could happen to me. There was so much at that we had planned. We could have sent each other e-mails, we could have done something... anything together.

It didn't have to end up like this.

Why.

What did I do wrong?

Where did I fail?

Everything I had been working for to go back to had suddenly disappeared within moments. I had never thought of this happening. We were so close. I had thought I could trust her with everything.

It seems that I was wrong.

I couldn't help but feel betrayed by these people that she had been spending so much time with. Who were they? Why had they suddenly taken priority in her life?

Where do I fit in now?

Not here.

I had just shunned out Raphael.

And Nana was having too many troubles, she didn't need me to burden her with anything else.

Where am I in the world now?

I don't want to think about this. I can't think about this. This isn't happening. It just can't happen. No. It's not possible.

She hates me.

She hates me enough to say it in a kind way. To say that she loves me as a friend still.

Bull shit.

There's about as much love in that letter as there is remorse in a snake.

Tears, idle tears, I don't know what they mean. Why they flow. Why I cry. I had this coming. It was my fault wasn't it? I was the one who wasn't strong enough to face my problems. It was my fault that this happened.

[i_Tears from the depth of some divine despair rise in the heart and gather to the eyes in looking on the happy autumn-fields, and thinking of the days that are no more[/i_

What happened to those happy days? Those days that we promised before I left would come back when I returned.

I suppose I was the stupid one.

The stupid one who's tears mean nothing now. I can't change anything. It's already done.

And I'm the last to know.

Had the world been a canvas that reflected my emotions, it would be painted black.

If the world were a song, I would be an incomplete melody.

Could the world listen to me, I would just cry.

Of all the people I had though I could hold onto and trust with my life, of all the people I had become friends with and attached myself to. It had to be her. And it had to be today that I found out.

December 1st. The day that we moved into our home.

Dammit. Why can't I stop crying?

"Hey! Yashi! We're out of milk! Hankyung decided to drink the rest of our current su--- Oh god... what's wrong?!"

Someone's voice. Someone from a far away place. Someone with comforting arms that embraced my emotionally broken body. 

"Are you hurt? What happened?! Did someone die?"

If someone had died, I think it would have been easier to take than to see someone that I had survived the hardest years of my life of with just walk out. I felt hollow, dead. If someone had died... It would have been me.

"Shh... Come on now... what's wrong.. you can tell me... Tell Sungmin what's wrong..."

The only thing I could do was cry harder. Harder at the sympathy that I don't deserve. Cry harder at the world for making me such a worthless person. Cry harder for the love I lost, the friendship that I had worked for years to create and to cherish.

"Come on... Why don't you tell me? It'll make you feel better..."

[i_Parting. There's no use in weeping. Though we are condemned to part. There is such thing as keeping a remembrance in one's heart...[/i_

I wanted to let go of that piece of paper in my hand. I wanted to let it go and never look at it again. I wanted to deny it, to stop. But I can't. It's her last good bye.

And I can't bear to leave it.

"S- Sh- She left..."

"Who?"

His warm hand reached towards the paper, the one that I clutched to myself as if it were my very life. It was too precious for him. I couldn't let him see it. It was a burden that only I should suffer. The illusion of love that I had with my best friend for the years that we were together.

Gone.

"Come on... You can tell Sungmin... I promise I won't laugh."

I don't know why, but something about his kindness and his persistence, his willingness to sit through with miserable me and actually [i_listen[/i._ It made me wonder.

Maybe there's more out there for me.

Beyond this misery, there might be a happiness.

The same one that I had been able to walk into this room with.

Nothing hurts more than the last good bye. Nothing hurts more than having to forever say farewell to someone the last time.

Forever.

Just as the soul will never be complete again.

We all lose a part of ourselves the moment we are born. We, as humans cannot do without contact with others. We cannot live without it. As much as we want to deny ourselves from it, it is impossible, we are not self sufficient the moment we are born, and even then, we are dependent on our parents for many years before we are deemed worthy for society as a whole. The very moment we are conceived into this world, we lose a part of our soul to the people we are in contact with.

In short, we are all incomplete melodies, all songs with no ends.

Until we find other people, all searching for others just like us. People with songs that are unsung. And together, we all create the most beautiful melody in the world.

However, if one friend, one piece of the melody should slip away and fall into another's song. Then the first, will have lost something.

A unique quality that cannot be gained again.

Ever.

"Come on... won't you tell me who left? I promise... I'll listen... You can trust me..."

But in its stead, in comes a new melody.

Something to make the world's song.

Just a little better, with just a little change.

And then.

With the ability, to be able to let go, with the ability to lean on other people to get through hard times. We can all move on through the hardest times in our lives.

And live.

Live as we have never done before, laugh as we have never done before, smile as we have never did. We are only human. Eventually, we're bound to break.

But we can always put the broken pieces together. Slowly, no matter how painful it is, we pick up the pieces of our broken hearts and the heartaches that we had to suffer from the people that we held so dear to us.

And we live.

We move on.

And we learn to accept.

"Yashi... do you hear me? I only want to help... come on... it'll make you feel better if you just tell me what's going on..."

"... Leigh left... I... I have no one to go home to..."


	18. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17: Lo Ho Xia (Sound of Rain)**

I remember a time like this, long, long ago. This feeling of never wanting to wake up. This feeling of constant gloom and despair. I remember this feeling. This feeling of constant depression. Where no sunshine seems shine, even if it were summer. This feeling of a constant dark winter. I remember. I could never forget. Perhaps it is perfect irony that the weather in early December could actually reflect my mood. Perhaps it's perfect irony that I'm able to still go on, despite the pounding rain outside my studio window.

It was like this. Eight years ago.

Junior year of high school. I remember it now as if it were yesterday. That one single year where the world was turned upside down for six months. That stint in my life where I could only put up a facade and move through the motions of life. This was the world I lived in, a swirling mass of darkness that I constantly couldn't find my way out of no matter how much I claw at it.

My friends could do nothing, I was afraid to talk to them. Everything was so hard for me. I couldn't concentrate, I couldn't think. I was just digging my own grave. Digging my own grave without knowing it, that was what I was doing. I was afraid of myself, I was ashamed of who I was, what I was, everything that I could be I was afraid of. Everything I wanted to be I was ashamed of. Everything seemed so wrong. I could do only wrong, I could never do right.

And I didn't even know why.

I didn't know any reason why I would have been thrown in the dark. Now that I look back, I suppose it was because I was weak enough to accept the visions that my parents had set out for me. I suppose it was because I had so many high standards, I had lost sight of myself. I had lost sight of what I could be, lost everything because I had lost the will to make my own choices.

And I lied to myself about it.

Everything. Just like I lied to myself now. How everything is alright when it's not. How could it be? How could I be alright? The one person I trusted that would support me while I was here, the one person that I could lean on when times were hard back then, the person that I thought I could lean on now.

Gone.

God. I'm surprised I'm still alive now.

Perhaps it's just my pessimistic view on the world, or my just refusal to let people in. My parents had always told me when I was young, that I could never trust the world outside of family. For people were always deceiving and being deceived in return. In a cycle of deceit and a world of hate. I found denying these sayings so easy. I found trusting so much easier, accepting so much simpler than to refuse the company of people.

Until that trust broke me once.

I had thought I had friends, I thought I had everything before the first time. I was living on top of the world. Until, one day, I don't know what happened, but I suppose, those voices that had been shoved away in the back of my head had finally decided to mutiny against me. What a horror that was, I couldn't find it in myself to fight back. I couldn't. Everyone seemed to be plotting something against me, I couldn't find it in myself to confide with anyone. I thought I had lost everything. My grades slipped and I went from a near 3.5 to a measly 2.7 GPA in less than a quarter. I slowly was slipping away, just as my grades were, diminishing into a small corner, listening to everything around me.

And saying nothing.

I was deaf and mute to the world around me, wrapped so tightly by my own despairing thoughts, I had turned away everything that might help, until I was forced into the light that I had been avoiding. I was forced by a hand that was willing to dig past all the darkness, not just skim the surface of my issues. They were able to bring me out by hearing my quiet pleas for help that no one else would. And I thank my dearest friends for that.

I thank them for bringing me out to the light, out of the darkness that consumed my soul and tore me apart slowly, slowly stealing the life that I could have. The life that I live now. I would have died if they hadn't. I really would have.

Those pills in the palm of my sweaty hand still stand a vibrant red color if I hold my hand before my face for a long enough time.

But thanks to my friends, the ones who could find it in themselves to do something about it. I owe my life to them.

And it's odd, now that I think about it.

Leigh wasn't one of them.

It was after my time in the darkness did I remember being refreshed, as if becoming born again. Somehow, I found it within myself to trust again, to have confidence in the people I associated myself with. I was happy with my life. I had friends, I thought I had best friends.

And then, I broke again.

Only this time. I don't plan on getting fixed.

I'm done with being so damned happy. If life means for me to be this way, then so be it. I'm tired of fighting. I'll just go through the motions again. Go through the motions of life as I did once. Put on the mask that I'm so used to putting on.

That way, no one will have to hurt me, and no one will have to get hurt by me in return. No one will have to know suffering. No one other than me.

I don't want anyone to ease the pain of the needles that have pricked my heart until it has bled dry. I don't want anyone to know that my heart still bleeds from eight years before, that I had only bandaged it carefully, created a fragile shell around it. I had not told anyone that I still couldn't find it myself to love anyone fully. As many times as someone will tell me, that I could always put together the pieces of something that is broken. It will forever remain broken, no matter how well one puts something back together. Once broken, forever broken.

And broken I will remain.

The quiet shushing sound that rain creates when hitting the window pane brings a quiet comfort. December is surprisingly warm this year, instead of snow, it brings in rain, a cold rain from the north that relentlessly blows against the windows, and yet, ironically, it's comforting. A soothing feeling that can only be achieved when meditating in a sense.

Funny how I can achieve that feeling with working mindlessly on these pieces of cloth, creating without truly thinking. It's an odd feeling, just letting the mind drift while the subconscious takes over, it's an odd sense of being, almost a connection with oneself.

"You know... you don't have to be here at all..."

Dammit. And yet another distraction for myself. Another reason for me to wonder if I should have taken that simple, coward's way out eight years ago.

"And why would you say that?"

"Sungmin told me about what happened."

"Yunho," I had dropped the 'sir' in front of their names for about a week now, figuring that it was too formal for the now informal way that they would address me. "that has nothing to deal with any of you, none of you have to feel sorry for whatever is going on in my life. It just happened that my friend moved out... and well... I don't exactly have anyone to greet when I come home to America is all."

"Right, but you know, it's alright to take a day off... you look miserable."

"I woke up in the arms of a pretty boy who looks a lot more miserable than me, at the moment but he's got make up on, so it's alright for him. Why don't you worry about people who matter, Yunho?"

"Because YOU matter for crying out loud! Don't you get it? We're all worried that you're gonna go sick one day from all of this!"

"All of what?"

"All of this sitting around and pretending that your BEST FRIEND didn't just WALK OUT on you!"

"Please... keep your voice down... people are staring you know."

"I don't care."

"Good Job."

"Thanks. But that's beside my point. Seriously, how can you be so calm? Why is it that you can keep working like this?"

"Oh, because then you won't have your precious outfits to wear for your dear conferences or your lovely dinner parties or your concerts right? You know, I'm only doing my duty and making you the clothes that you want, quite frankly, I'm pretty sure you could go and replace me any time you want. I'm just here as a bit of an accessory."

"... Do you really think that? Do you really think that you've got no care in the world other than what we want? Why don't you think for yourself for once?! Why don't you go and rebel?! What the Hell is wrong with you?!"

"Quite frankly Yunho." I began, getting up and hanging up a costume on a mannequin. "I do think for myself, I just don't wish to voice it out. Quite frankly, I'd rather just numb the pain with work. It does wonders."

"Well.. You're not doing any more work now. It's a National Holiday today. So deal. Let's go."

"Go where?"

"Go somewhere where you can quit sulking. Seriously, Jaejoong's costume looks fit for the king of emo or something."

"But... he'd make a good king of emo."

"That's beside the point, you're leaving this place and doing something for once with DBSK! Seriously, you've spent so much time with the other group you kinda make us feel left out. You were assigned to [i_both[/i _groups not just one."

"Should I care and where the hell are you leading me?"

"Christmas Shopping!"

"And why the HELL would I care about that?"

"Because it's only a few weeks away!"

His grip is surprisingly strong for someone so slight. Then again, there are many surprisingly odd things in this world. Including what I've been dragged through for the past few days. From insanely long hours of work to it then having cut short. From having a best friend leave to having one of the oddest people try and comfort me. Life is just screwed up as anything at times.

"Right... A few weeks away."

A few weeks away before one of the biggest holidays in the world is celebrated. A few weeks away before the exchange of gifts happen. And a few weeks away before I have to go and celebrate on my own.

Everyone will probably be gone.

And I'm alone.

Here.

But let us not dwell on such depressing thoughts. Let's just entertain the lovely pretty boys and their shopping sprees.

The quiet constant shush of the rain pouring itself down from the sky is a comfort at least. A comfort to the fact that I'm no the only dreary one in this world.

Within moments of being outside though, just as I was beginning to enjoy the cold rain of December, I was whisked away into the leather interior of a limousine. The comforting noise was drowned out by blaring music and laughter. Everyone and their girlfriend had decided to join in.

What is this? Singles' awareness day? I thought that was in February.

"So... where to?"

"_Shinch'on _ Duh, where else would we be going?"

"Uh... where?"

"Only the largest shopping district out there for us to plunder of course." HaNeul replied flippantly.

Well, who would have told me? I was locked up in a white prison cell filled with pretty boys remember?

"Oh... Sounds... Fun..."

Dear, God. I pray to you, give me some bookstores there that I could raid with the money that I have been saving for a rainy day.

How ironic, it really is raining.

"Of course, it's got everything there for Christmas shopping, jewelery stores, electronic stores, clothing stores, department stores, bookstores, whatever."

Thank you God. I give you some unreal love from me as my gift.

"Really? That's great."

"It sucks that it's raining though, means that we've gotta sit inside when we eat." HaNeul whined looking at the miserable sky outside as the limo stopped and let us out.

Never had I welcomed the rain such as this.

The very sound of it refreshed me.

Brought me to life.

And to rebirth.


	19. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18: Meng Xiang Bei Leng Dong (Frozen Dreams)**

Shopping has never been my forte, especially Christmas shopping. For one, I have no idea what to get people, and for two, I have no idea why the hell everything is so expensive during this season.

But this year, I've got more people to shop for than ever, counting the lovely boys that I'm in charge of, and my dearest friends back at home, I'm surprised if I can mindlessly indulge myself in the bookstores as I had originally thought. The shops here are all crowded together, neon lights flashing advertisements everywhere. It's a surprise that no one's gone blind yet.

It's actually a surprise that I haven't gone blind yet with all the white I stare at sometimes.

"Okay, so let's split up and then meet back here at the parking lot when we're all done at ten?" Jaejoong suggested staring at his, no doubt, designer watch.

"Sounds good to me." Yoochun nodded before being dragged away by his model-esque girlfriend to the depths of the crowded shopping space. How she can walk so briskly in heels that tall, I haven't the slightest clue. The rain had abated to the point where it was now a lazy, gloomy drizzle that hung above peoples heads like ominous thoughts.

Whatever. The sidewalks here are nice and wide, not like home where they were all narrower than Barbie's neck, lots of room for shoppers and their overstuffed bags filled with holiday goodies, and plenty enough room for the couples to window shop while giggling gaily to the tunes that waft from the shops themselves.

Such is the season when I can' t help but admire, and hate at the same time, the power of love and the hypnotic pull that it has on the the people who become enraptured by its over encompassing embrace. Such is also the season when I wonder why the Hell people can't get what I want correct on my wish list.

Wait. I didn't even get a list up this year.

Great, another year filled with useless baubles that people will end up giving me.

I wonder if anyone will have the logic to get something that I might use over the course of the next year. Printer paper, pens, pencils, maybe a new memory stick, fuzzy socks to keep my feet cushioned in these God damned heels or even better yet books.

Yes, books, those lovely bound pieces of paper with all the words in the world in them. Those things that I crave and have not been able to touch for days upon days. The days that I had figured I had some free time, I had been dragged off to some sort of emergency meeting or I had been washed away by the shores of sleep.

And yet, from what Yunho's girlfriend had told me, there are supposed to be some bookstores here somewhere. The key word being 'somewhere'.

And this is why it sucks being a foreigner.

Damn, and I've been living here for almost six months. What the Hell, I don't even know the city I'm working in. Talk about oblivious.

"Excuse me sir, do you know where the bookstores are?"

"Take a left on the end of this sidewalk and then go down there, there should be one there on your right or something... I don't know, I've only been here for a couple of months."

"Okay, thanks."

It's amazing what a few directions can do to one's sense of direction. Quite frankly, why am I even thinking about this? What do I babble this stream of consciousness for? And for what reason?

Do I even care?

A tiny little place, lit well with cozy lights and plenty of overstuffed chairs to sit on, and right next door is a lovely little electronic store. I don't think there's a need for me to look any further for my Christmas shopping. Let's see, first thing's first, DBSK, Jaejoong, Junsu, Changmin, Yunho and Yoochun. What to get those pretty boys? A robotic split ends trimmer, an apple alarm clock, a banana shaped bowl, a... what the Hell... I suck at getting gifts.

Maybe I should just give them all lighters so they could blow themselves up in the make up room or something.

But that'd be cruel.

Bah... I'll just get them How-To books or something.

The soft jingle of an overhanging bell is all the welcome I need as the warm air greets me with gentle hands, luring me into the book laden shelves filled with pages of stories I have yet to read.

"Ah... here for some Holiday Shopping?" The kindly shop keeper asks, a genial smile on his face. "It's not normal for someone of this age to be getting books for their friends." He was a kind looking man of probably the late thirties to early forties, from the looks of his shop, it was lovingly cared for as if it were home and from the look of the near empty place, not that many people shopped for books in this season.

"Ah sir, whoever said I was normal?"

"Haha! Good point! Come, now, is there anything in particular that you are looking for?"

"Ah... Well sir, I'm slightly new in the area, so I think I'll browse through the literature section for a while first."

"L...Literature?"

"Well yes, one should always start with the classics before attempting the contemporaries in research of the history of words. Or at least, that's my philosophy."

"Well, that's a new one. Normally, the parents just come in for the newest Harry Potter books."

"Once again sir, I stress that I'm not exactly the most normal of people. I like literature, despite what your 'normal' outlook on people my age are."

"You are quite the odd girl."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

Hmm, all the books here just seem to be in Korean. Damn, that makes my search for perfect books just that much harder.

"Here we are, the literature section."

"Thank you, uh...which way are the English books located?"

"Right above you. All classics are contained here."

"Thank, God."

"Happy shopping!"

"No problem."

Hmm, what looks like a good book to raid, translate, and pretend I know the meaning of? Kor... Koryo?Tales of Kumo? Hyangga poetry? What the Hell? Okay... maybe I should look for children's books for me. But for the pretty boys, ah yes, what a lovely thought that would be indeed.

Jaejoong deserves Hamlet for being such a drama queen. Changmin deserves King Lear, that guy looks like someone who could use some history drama. Yoochun looks like the kind of person who would like The Poisonwood Bible. Junsu, such a perfect person... I believe A portrait of Dorian Grey will do him well. Yunho needs Absolom! Absolom!. Yes, the perfectly complex book for a perfectly complex man such as him.

This is what they get for telling me absolutely nothing about themselves. I get to choose for once.

Power feels great.

Free money feels great too, I was handed a credit card the other day for this stuff. Last time I checked, it had enough money for me to splurge on these guys and have some left for myself.

Hmm, and now, the dilemma, the question of what to give to the thirteen lovely boys in Super Junior. Bah, not like they'd care what I give them in the first place. All these men have their fangirls and their girlfriends, not to mention their families to give them gifts that will be worth more than what my frozen little heart can give.

Whatever, I'll have at least given them something to chew on over their winter holiday filled with lights, merriment, drinking, family and happiness.

Now, what to do, what to do indeed. Let's just go and grab all my favorites! I doubt they'd pick them up anyways. Heart of Darkness, Catch 22, The Scarlet Letter, The Crucible, The Grapes of Wrath, The Night Thoreau Spent in Jail, Walden, The Catcher in The Rye, Notre Dame de Paris, Le Miserables, Romeo and Juliet, Titus Andronicus, The Oresteia Trilogy and Lolita.

Sounds like a good enough selection. They could trade off when they got bored, and they'd let me go off in my own world for once.

Seriously, with this whole 'friendship' thing going on, I've barely had time to write emo poetry on my Cyworld.

Wonder what they'd think of this lovely choice of presents. Maybe I should just send them anonymously without them knowing. I'll be like a ninja of the night, sneaking while they're asleep and dropping my wonderful gift of words onto their beds, like a tooth fairy Santa.

Okay, that just sounded odd.

Well, now that I've gotten everything for the lovely boys here, time to think of home. What would my dearest friends at home want?

[I_ "Nana... What do you want for Christmas? I'll try my hardest to give it to ya!"_

"_I want... a boyfriend that will actually stay with me. I'm sick and tired of leaning on no one. I want to find my prince. But other than that, all I want... is something from your heart, and don't you dare send me more chocolate."_

"_But... you love chocolate!"_

"_I'll pretend I don't! How about something practical? Like a boyfriend?"_

"_I'll try my hardest then!" [/i_

Crap. Where the Hell do I buy a boyfriend? Maybe she'll settle for the pictures I've taken of the pretty boys for my portfolio for grad school? With... a hand written card and something of sentimental value. I don't know. I suck at these things.

Or maybe I should just ship myself home in a giant cardboard box.

Whatever. I'll just make sure I'll send her the most eligible bachelor pictures that I've got. With some chocolate.

Whether she likes it or not.

[I_ "Raphael... What would you like for the holidays?"_

"_You and some time to spend with you."_

"_Let's think like rich little bastards now why don't we?"_

"_But... what if I don't want to think like a rich little bastard? It's so hard!"_

_  
"Raphael... I'm sure it's easy for you. You ARE a rich... person..."_

"_I'm also a head taller than you, Shortie. Not to mention, I'm more of a gentleman than those ah... playboys you work for."_

"_Not that I can do much about it. But you changed the subject! What do you want?"_

"_What do you think I want?"_

"_Uh... Chocolate?"_

"_I hate sweets."_

"_I knew that. I was just testing you."_

"_You want to know what I want?"_

"_What?"_

"_One last kiss from my lady before I board this plane back home to a smothering fiancée who has no more brains than a cow on a frying pan." _

"_Didn't you get your last one at the masquerade?"_

"_But... I want another one."_

"_... Greedy as always... but alright. One last one..." [/i_

Okay, at least he's taken care of.

Maybe I should send him something... like flower pressed paper or something for him to write on. He always like that kind of paper. I'll have to go and make some then.

What a riot it'd be to see the faces of the pretty boys when they see their trashed flowers being used in making paper.

I feel so evilly good.

I should send an E-mail to Juliet and the others to see what they want. I can always finish shopping some other time.

"Ah welco---"

"We're looking for rarest book that you have here."

"Ah... that's probably in the back... would you like me to show you?"

"Nope, we'll find our way there. Thanks."

"Uhm... Okay..."

How rude. However, that tone of voice... where have I heard it before? Shallowly hollow, high pitched, and artificial.

Oh yeah. It's Yunho's girlfriend.

Damn. Might as well make my escape now.

"Hey, hey, hey! Why are we here? Last time I checked, you hated books." Yunho's voice wafted from the front, their footsteps getting closer and closer to wherever the back of the store was.

"Who said I was coming here for the books?" her voice, high, fake, reminiscent of a whistle almost.

Okay, I'm totally eavesdropping into a world that I don't need to be a part of. I'm absolutely not in need here. Better get out with my loot while I still can so I don't need to hear any more suggestive things in the back of this poor man's store.

"All ready for check out?"

"Yup!"

"Oh my... so many books, all for friends I assume?"

"I was going to selfishly indulge myself with a copy of Inferno... but I didn't want to bother you with asking if you had the old 1948 version of it."

"Uh... Inferno?"

"Why yes, Inferno, you know, Dante's trip through Hell?"

"Oh... yes... that one... well, we have one copy... but I don't know if you'd like it... it's quite expensive..."

"Yeah... I saw it. I might come back later to get it."

"Ah... that's good. You know, I said it once, and I'll say it again. It's very rare to find young ones like you interested in literature of all things..."

The joyous beep

"Because. No matter how old I get, the people within these books, are forever engraved in the pages. They will never grow old, they will never change. All their dreams and aspirations of the world will forever remain the same, frozen in a state of time that can be shared throughout eternity. All dreams and wishes of the writer are frozen in dreamlike state that transcends the life of the mere mortal that lives such a short time... Crap... I'm babbling aren't I, Old Man?"

"Nah... just showing some enthusiasm I haven't seen in a while. Well, you want to pay cash or credit?"

"I'll pay credit... I think my wallet would suffer a big dent if I payed that amount in cash."

"That indeed, you truly are an odd child."

"Once again, I'll take that as a compliment."

"Well, I thank you for your patronage. Have a happy holiday season."

"Happy Holidays to you too."

It's too bad. That my own frozen dream sits on his window sill without him knowing. Waiting for some child to pick it up and read.

Such. Is the gift of giving.


	20. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19: Gai Bian Zi Zhi (Change Me) **

The once lovely golden red colors of fall fade away to a bleak white and blue of perpetual bleakness. Much like my life is right now. The constant change of seasons from one to the next, the constant struggle of the world. Everything is cyclical, everything is constantly changing. That's just the way is.

That's the way all humans are.

Even me.

Even the people that I once thought I hated.

It's odd to think back on the past six months, watch as events unfold. Laugh at my folly, become embarrassed at it, and most of all, learn from all of the mistakes that I've had. But then again, that's life. It's the way we all roll, whether we like it or not.

Looking back at the times of anger, depression, sadness, sorrow and joy, I realized, that I of all people had changed. I had changed not only physically, but mentally as well. I had changed the way I had decided to look at things.

Quite frankly, I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing at all.

I'll just pretend it's good.

The days have rolled by easily. Living life isn't hard when it's just the motions of life that are needed to get through. However, since the holiday season's coming, the lovely boys had more concerts and more talk shows than ever.

Which meant I was stuck in the middle of the thick of things, gophering everything that was needed, I was the one behind the stage, listening to their melodious chords, laughing at their horrid English, but most of all, admiring their courage.

Their courage to not care about any of the horrid gifts that had been coming in. The boys had this odd ability to light up anything it seemed. Their constant joy with the job that they had. It's not a wonder that they could score the wonderful girlfriends that they have.

It almost makes me wonder why the only boyfriend I've ever had was Raphael. Who I have to admit, was a whole lot better than what these guys could ever be. He was never fake, he was genuine, gorgeous, gracious, a gentleman, and just overall, perfect.

It's just too bad things like that don't end up correct. It's sad that everything that's good will always end up spoiled.

But that's the way the laws of nature work. Everything moves towards chaos.

But that's beside the point. Gophering in heels is definitely something that I will never figure out how to do well. Day after day of work, I'm left behind with blistering feet and tired ankles, only to have to wake up to it again.

Now I know what a slave feels like.

Days past, slowly, painfully, dully. Only the shouts and the screams of demands can be heard in the large building as people are called for work, appointments, shows, concerts.

It's amazing how many people work in one structure. It's quite a thought if one thinks of it correctly. In technicality, there are at least two hundred people who have a contract with this agency, then there are all the people who support those people, then there are the people like me, the back stage ones.

All in all, in this building, there are about a thousand people scuttling in and out, working whenever he or she can.

It's mind boggling to think of it. Which is why I am grateful to finally have days off for Christmas and a about the week after it for the sake of the new years. Days of rest and relaxation.

Days when I can reflect on the things that I've gone through. The days of the winter when I could just sit and listen to the rain or wind outside my window without too much distractions for these are the rest days where everyone of my pretty boys' girlfriends have decided to go on a sort of Advent calender in which each day during the week before Christmas, they must present them with something.

Thus, the only people who were left here in the lovely apartment were Hankyung, Heechul, Sungmin, Changmin and me. I had once asked them why they wished not to go out and find a girl. Their answer was simple. They didn't want someone materialistic and fake.

Sounds good enough for me.

Which turns the tale to the point where we are now. All crowded in my room where I had decided to bake some muffins earlier today to ease the house feel and make the place more like a home. The smells of vanilla extract and melted chocolate apparently attracted lonely boys.

And here I had thought I could have had some happy time to myself with some happily baked pastries to chew on as I actually had time to start writing out that stupid idea that had been bugging me for ages. However, the racket that ensued from sweets is always too much fun to miss.

"MUFFIN!"

"NO! It's mine Heechul! I got to it first!"

"Older people first, Changmin! I'm older!"

"Haven't you ever thought of giving mercy to the younger people?"

"How about we all just get one?"

"Hells no Hankyung! I have to get to the bigger one first!"

"How about we all just rock, paper, scissors it to see who gets to it first?"

"NO WAY SUNGMIN! I got the plate first, that means I get the first pick!"

"You ALWAYS get to the plate first with those bamboo stick legs of yours!"

"And YOU'RE Always receiving mercy from the fans because you're so pretty!"

"How about this? We just get one and then come back for seconds?"

"Hankyung! That's just too logical! Heechul the Great does NOT work on logic!"

He must work on stupidity then. No wonder everyone around him is sometimes so ditzy, they've all been infected with the stupidity waves that emanate from him.

"You know, you guys could just pig out anyways and I could make you some more?"

"Oh... Oh yeah... that always works."

"... idiots."

The sound of happy chewing and swallowing echoed throughout the room while they ate. Men and their territorial love of food. It's almost comical. But, at least they're not bothering me. Instead, the electronic baby sitter is doing its job quite well by keeping them tame.

Which means I can get to writing at last.

When was the last time I was able to put my fingers on a keyboard for the sake of selfish indulgence and not care if people read it? When was the last time I was able to actually write my heart out without caring about anything or anyone around me? When was the last time I was able to feel the creativity literally flow from fingertip to document?

Too long I say. Too long.

[i_clatter clatter clatter clatter click click click[/i_

[I_tick tick tick tick[/i_

The sound of the clock and the clatter of fingers on keyboard become some sort of soothing song that plays in tune to an invisible melody that looped in my head as a cold world is formed, the night before Christmas. A young girl is standing there, alone, no one cares of her, no one notices the one shoe that she wore, its partner lost as she ran away from a car... A world filled with ignorance, a world filled with hate and no sympathy.

"Hey! Whatcha writing there?!"

"None of your business Heechul. What I write, you wouldn't want to read."

"And why's that?"

"Because, the story doesn't have a happy ending."

"Whoever said that they had to have happy endings?"

"So says the fairy tales that you've written no?" 

"So? What does that matter to me? Come on I wanna read!"

Before I could do any more preventative measures, the laptop was suddenly ripped away from its comfortable toasting position on my lap and in the redhead's hands.

"Hmm... Let's see... Ooh ooh! I wanna read this out loud! Hey guys! Story time!"

The rush of men bodies was interesting to say the least. I was surprised of all things to see that they weren't bouncing off the walls due to the high over dose of sugar that had recently entered their bodies. I had to get out of there, do something before I embarrassed myself even more than I had already.

I was dumb to think that they would leave me alone.

Privacy doesn't exist to them it seems.

[I_ "Twas the night before Christmas, and everywhere, all the world was scattering across the busy streets. The world was all moving, moving towards the celebrations that were held within warm homes to keep out the cold. Everyone was save the one little girl who stood on the corner between Main Street and East Lane. _

_No older than eight, she had been standing there all day in a tattered old coat, her hair in disarray for there was nothing that could be done to hold it together. It was dismal for the young girl, the coat was too large for her, and thread bare in the places that were needed to keep someone warm. In her eyes though, through all the dirt that caked her face, if one took a look hard enough, one could see that she wasn't always like this. [/i_

I love bastardizations.

"Hey... where have I heard this story before?"

"Maybe from your mommy, Changmin?"

"Maybe... But I think it was somewhere else..."

"Why are you looking at me? It's not like I'm psychic."

"But you're the one who's reading it! And you write stories!"

"Shut up and listen to the rest of it."

"And of course I have no say in this..."

_[i"It was too bad that no one decided to look. _

_Instead, they all rushed back to their home to their own families, not caring for the singular girl who __had nothing in the world but the small bundle of matches in her hand. _

"_Ma-- Matches..." her high pitched voice of desperation wafted along the snowy streets. Every now and and then there would be a person who would look her way, though, even more just walked quickly by her. _

_She wasn't always like this. Quite frankly, she used to live a different life. The life of someone who lived in riches. That was the world that she was once immersed in. So sad that one simple event could alter it so that she went from the wealth of the world to the rags that she now wore. _

_But on one cared to listen to her story. No one cared for the bundle of matches in her hand. [/i"_

"... So... what happens next? Huh? Huh?" Sungmin looked at Heechul with expecting eyes. "What happens next?"

"... That's all this document has. So I'll tell you what happens next. Everyone dies and the world blows up."

"You're mean."

"I know I am."

"... Can I have my computer back?"

"Fine.. .but... how come you write such dismal things?"

"I don't see why not. It's a lot easier than to think of the happier things."

Hankyung pouted at that. "You're always thinking negatively. Why don't you think positive for once? Just the other day I found you yelling at an outfit cause didn't meet your standards. Seriously, everything looks fine, and as long as the people who are watching don't find out anything, we're perfectly fine."

"So says the person who only wears it..."

"... OH. My. God. CHRISTMAS PRESENTS!"

Heechul's scream of delight broke us away from the staring contest that had suddenly erupted from my habit of thinking negatively. The look of joy on his face was priceless.

"They're not all for you! What do you think you're doing opening them now?!"

"But... I wanna know what everyone else is getting from you!"

"You won't until Christmas you butt hole!"

"AHH! I want to find out! Yashi's a meanie butt!"

"I'll be a meanie butt all I want! You're not going to open any of these!"

The following chaotic scene could possibly be likened to the comical fights seen on cartoons in which limbs are flying all over the place with a halo of dust being kicked up from the tussle. Such was the commotion that was happening in the room as I fought for my life to keep all the wrapped presents from the clutches of 'Heechul the Great'.

'The Great' my ass. The guy's about as great as a rock.

"HANDS OFF!!! Hey! Guys! A little help here?!"

"But it's so much more fun with only two people!" Sungmin chuckled, Hankyung only looked on in slight amusement and Changmin only seemed to be torn between joining in or finding the number to the nearest ambulance.

After what seemed to be ages of fighting, I was finally able to wrestle that skinny pretty boy's death grip on my dearly wrapped presents.

"You know, for a girl... you're pretty strong."

"No... you're probably just really weak."

Laughter ensued from the comment as cleaning took place. Things had been strewn across the floor, and other things knocked down, but at least nothing broke.

"I still want to know what I was going to get in my present."

"Then be patient!"

The jovial feeling in the air was dissipated quickly when the door opened to show an enraged, saddened and no doubt, drunk Yunho.

"I... hate... you..."

Those three simple words, though, no doubt shot from him through his drunken haze, pierced through any cold front I could had given him before.

Time froze for a moment before the youngest band mate said anything.

"Yunho... what happened?"

"Like you would like to know."

The thing is. I did.


	21. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20: Nui Fu (Coward)**

[i_I am your friend and my love for you goes deep. There is nothing I can give you which you have not got, but there is much, very much, that, while I cannot give it, you can take._[/i

The days following Yunho's odd drunken utterance only resulted from stress of everyone who knew him. From what I had gathered from the rumors, he had caught his so called girlfriend cheating on him before he got to her for their little 'advent date'. Apparently she had been dating one of his good friends that he had introduced to her.

It's sad that people could be so wicked as that. Sad that she was only dating him because he had money. But I suppose the worst thing is that he had lost any trust to the human race. From what I could tell, he was truly in love with her. I feel sorry for him, quite frankly, I kind of want to comfort him, but yet, at the same time, part of me just wanted to tell him to suck it up and angst somewhere else so he would quit ruining my lovely lonely holiday. Any pity that I have for him he's taken, I can't give him anything. He just lost a girlfriend, I have nothing.

But at the same time, I still can't help but feel sorry for him. Maybe it's because I consider anyone who semi thinks of me as and equal is a friend? Maybe it's because I just have too much mercy in me. My friends were right. I am too nice for my own good.

[i_The gloom of the world is but a shadow. Behind it, yet within our reach is joy. There is radiance and glory in the darkness could we but see - and to see we have only to look. I beseech you to look! __[/i_

Christmas day, the day in which everyone's supposed to be a happy little bundle of joy about presents. Quite frankly, the boys upstairs and downstairs sure were. Their footsteps could be heard early in the morning and my attempt to sleep in late on that day.

"YASHI! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!" The shouts came from the door from a very obviously still groggy me.

Quite frankly, I don't care if they see me in my pajamas and my bed head. Quite frankly, right now, I'm too lazy to care.

"What do you want?"

"You gave us books?!"

"Yes... yes I did."

"Why?"

"Because literature... is important."

"Why?"

"Because the sky is blue."

"Why?"

"Because I said so."

"Why?"

"I'm closing the door on you guys."

"Alright, alright! Anyways, this came in the mail for you."

"Odd... I don't recall ordering anything by air mail..."

"Maybe it's a present from your friends back home?"

"Maybe...Wonder what it is..."

"WHO THE HELL IS HAMLET?! AND WHO THE HELL DECIDED TO GIVE ME SUCH A DUMB GIFT?!"

Yunho's lovely enraged face suddenly emerged from the side of the door, in his hand a copy of the book that I had decided to give him.

"And who the hell gave you such a bad temper, it's just a play. It won't kill you."

"Hyung... if it'll make you feel better, I'll trade you..." Changmin suggested shoving a small gift into my hand trying to lead his band mate back upstairs to calm down only to enrage him more.

"You seriously think I would read this piece of junk? What the hell was on your mind when you got this?! You think I've got time to sit back and read a book?!"

"You've got time now, Yunho. I don't see why you're complaining so much. You're so negative lately, why don't you look at the bright side of things eh?"

"Shut up, whore." He hissed before heading back towards his room.

"Wonder what's gotten into him. All he did was break up with his girlfriend..."

"The girlfriend that he wanted to propose to today..."

"Ah... That explains things, Heechul..."

"Just a tad, eh?"

"Bah, not that I really care. It's not my problem that he's suffering the effects of love."

"You know... you're one to talk, didn't you break up with your own boyfriend about a month ago?"

"...I'm not in the mood to talk about that. He deserves someone better than a starving writer."

The sound of the door slamming was loud enough to be heard across the complex. To think that I could have a perfectly fine Christmas by myself was a ludicrous idea. I can't do that. I need people. It's too hard to do things like this alone. I

I don't want to be alone.

Damn it. Why the Hell did he have to go and ruin my plans for a perfectly happy day?

A small pile of presents had accumulated at my door, a bit like sacrifices or offerings to some pagan goddess. I decided to pity the poor little gifts and brought them inside, laying them out on the table before going out.

This Christmas was meant to be spent alone.

I don't have the courage or the strength to go and join others in celebration. I just don't have the guts to do it.

Even if they did call me a friend. I don't think I could ever be close enough to them.

The cold, dry, bitter winter air was just the thing I needed to bring some sort of inspiration into my gloom filled mind. My speculative fiction muse had decided to take a vacation a few days after Heechul had his little read a-loud time. So, in short, I'm stuck without inspiration for another week or so it seems.

The ground was covered with day old snow that was continuously being renewed by the snow that had decided to fall. Winter in Korea is so different from that of Georgia. Back home, there is no snow, just cold weather. The white is so blinding here in Seoul, the color of blinding purity that is so easily tainted.

Never in my life had I actually welcomed the feeling of warmed soju. Never in my life had I turned to numbing the pain with something other than work, instead, I'm the coward that runs towards drugs to dull the pain that gnaws at the heart. The pain that I had been able to push aside with the shaky friendships that had formed here.

I was a fool to think that anything like that could replace the hole where my heart had been. I was a fool to think that I could build another world to live in.

[i_Swish, gulp, thack[/i_

The sound of drinking alone had never been so comforting. The fact that I was cowardly enough to even resort to this makes me wonder if I was always like this, taking the easy way out instead of standing for myself. I wonder at that point, if it was because of my cowardice that I'm the way I am now.

The kind of person who can't put her foot down. The kind of person who just goes with the flow. A failure of a person who just takes the easier way out. Just look at me, suicidal, depressed, running away, I'm everything that makes up a coward.

No wonder Leigh left.

No wonder I wasn't able to forget Raphael.

It's not a wonder I'm the person that I am now.

[i_Swish, gulp, thack[/i_

"Hey... get me another bottle will ya sir?"

"Rough day Miss?... considering this is your third bottle... You sure you should be drinking that much there? Where's your family?"

"They.. hic... disowned me when I told them I wanted to write for a living. And then... hic... the friends that were close enough to be called.. hic... family... well... they have more important and more... hic... people to go to... so yeah... that's my life story... hic."

"So instead you're here drowning out your sorrows to a complete stranger?"

"Hic... why not? You'll probably never see me again anyways...hic.."

[i_Swish, gulp, thack[/i_

"You know... you could always look at the brighter side of things, Miss."

"What's the point? Hic... It'll always be brought down anyways..."

"That's... because you're drinking Miss..."

"Come on...Old Man... Don't tell me you've never been depressed... hic... before..."

[i_Swish, gulp, thack[/i_

"No... there have been times that I've been depressed in my life... but you know, there are always the people who are willing to look after you. People who are willing to try to get you out of that darkness. Y'know?"

"Yeah... but then they turn their back at you once you can stand... hic... on your own two feet again. And then... everyone else you turn to... they tell you that everything will be alright... and then go away... and don't care..."

"You're one hell of a dismal girl aren't ya Miss?"

"Why shouldn't I be? I dumped the most perfect boyfriend because he's got a fiancée, one of the people I work with decides to hate any female's guts that he can come into contact with... and.. hic... I can't celebrate a favorite holiday with the people I truly care about because... hic... they left... and also... hic... they're five thousand miles away in the States..."

[i_Swish, gulp, thack[/i_

"Well... I suppose that's reason enough to be depressed... but you know... you should look beyond that."

"And what the hell would that do?"

"Well... then you can find the joy of living. Instead of dying... need another bottle?"

"Yes.. hic... please..."

[i_Swish, gulp, thack[/i_

"You know... you're gonna have one hell of a hang over tomorrow at this rate, Miss."

"I don't care..."

"Suit yourself."

[i_Courage, then, to claim it, that is all. But courage you have, and the knowledge that we are all pilgrims together, wending through unknown country, home. _/i

"I'm such a coward..."

"Oh? And why is that?"

"I... hic... Can't find the courage to go and fight for what I've always... hic... believed in. I've never had the strength to ... hic...stand up for myself... I've just always had someone help me. I'm weak... I can't do anything on my own. Except... hic... run away..."

"That young Miss, is part of courage."

"Hic... what? Running away?"

"No... admitting that you've got flaws..."

"Yeah... but what good does that do? All it means is that I don't have anything in me to fight..."

"It means.. that you have the mercy in you to forgive."

"... hic... Forgive?"

"Yes, forgive... you have the courage to forgive people for their wrong doings. Just as courageous people are crusaders, merciful ones become the saints."

"... I suppose... hic... that's one way of thinking of things... I never saw it as that..."

[i_Life is so generous a giver, but we, judging its gifts by the covering, cast them away as ugly, or heavy or hard. Remove the covering and you will find beneath it a living splendor, woven of love, by wisdom, with power. [/i_

"You've got your own version of courage. It's not all about fighting... It's not all about standing up alone. It's about being able to stand with others, and forgive them if they slip."

His words hit something in me. Something deep inside that I had been unwilling to admit before. The words that I had longed to hear, had finally been said. And by a stranger none the less. Funny how things just happen like that. I wouldn't call it luck... I wouldn't call it fate either. Just pure coincidence that this guy actually had the mercy and the patience to deal with a drunkard like me.

"I... Guess... I can see where you're coming from with that..."

"... Need another bottle there?"

"Nah... hic... I think I've had enough wallowing in despair for the day... It's Christmas for crying out loud... I should be getting drunk with other strangers."

"Ha ha ha! Alright... here's the bill. Discounted for you, since it's Christmas."

"Thanks, yo... I owe you one... hic..."

"Think nothing of it, glad I could make a saint feel better."

"Don't push your luck, Mister."

"I won't... Have a Merry Christmas y'hear?"

"No worries. I think I'll manage!"

Those were the last words that I ever remember saying to the strange store owner. It's funny how inspiration comes in the forms of a muse, most odd, and most inconvenient. It's odd how the world seems to sway on an axis that is never tilted correctly, always asking for more or for less than what is expected.

It's odd... how I can forgive all of the men back in the apartment complex for everything they've done to me... and yet... still be sorry for myself and for them.

Because we are only human.

And it takes so much courage to forgive, and to say sorry.

And move onto a better day tomorrow.


	22. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21: Tian Xia Da Tong (The World Remains Unchanged) **

The bar tender's words had struck something inside and let the world become a bit of a brighter place than the dismal world of denial that originally had been unearthed by a single unneeded comment from Heechul. It wasn't his fault, it was more or less just something that was thought to be a perfectly fine subject.

But no matter. It's in the past and I should look past that. As much as I want to angst, the world remains unchanged for I am nothing more than one person among the billions of people, and my troubles are trivial. No wonder I've been so gloomy, I've been concentrating on me and only me. I haven't decided to open my eyes at all to the actual world around me.

God, I'm an idiot.

The brightly wrapped presents still sit on the table that I had placed them on before leaving for my little drunken expedition, the room is still the same. It doesn't look like anyone had decided to come in or anything. Everything is still the same, except for the Yunho sitting on the couch.

Now that's an accessory in my apartment that I don't need.

"... Is there a reason why you're here?"

"Just... came to apologize... that's all."

I sat down on the floor in front of him, grabbing one of the gifts randomly from the table and began to carefully peel away the brilliantly colored paper from the package.

"... If you're doing it because your friends told you to, then I don't want your apology."

"And why is that?"

"Because, apologies only count if the person apologizing is sincere."

Ooh, lovely, hair clips in the shape of... ice cream from Changmin. That's a new one... Didn't think things like this existed. Maybe I'll wear them sometime, when I unlazy myself from just shoving all my hair into a ponytail.

[i_It takes time to heal.[/i_

"Well... I am sorry for yelling. I'm here both on my own and because my friends said so."

"Lovely, then apology accepted."

"I... I just don't see why she would want to go out with a bastard like him... I thought she loved me."

"She did, but for the wrong reasons."

"I don't know who to hate."

"Then don't..."

Another present from the table is drawn down to the floor. More meticulous unwrapping ensues. A small pile of ribbons and wrapping paper forms by my side as the pile of presents dwindles and Yunho decides to rant away at his life. Why in the world he would turn to me, I have no idea, he should talk to someone other than a stranger who's here only temporarily for another six months.

Silence after his little stint of ranting. Maybe he thought he wasn't being listened to, maybe he was pondering how stupid he sometimes sounded, maybe he was just thinking he was attention deprived of something closer than fan based girls and fake love for only the shell. Maybe he just needs some time with himself and someone who's pretty much still deeply rooted to the old home thousands of miles away.

"... You can hit me if it'll make you feel better."

"What good will that do? Other than give you the biggest bruise on your face since the dawn of sliced bread?"

"You're not mad at me for yelling at you?"

"Why should I?"

"... I pretty much called you every horrible name in the book..."

"No you didn't... not out loud at least."

[i_Build a bridge  
from now to tomorrow.  
Sink the piers  
deep into the Earth.  
Pour in concrete  
day by day,  
a little at a time,  
and let it set. __[/i_

"... It's still a dumb book."

"You're a dumb person then."

"But seriously, Hamlet? What's so great about this?"

"Have you even decided to crack open the book?"

"Why should I? The script's older than my great great grandpa."

"... It's a lot better than what a lot of the crap you're given now a days."

"Aren't you a bottle of sunshine?"

"Sure am."

How cute, more random jewelery items that I'll probably never get. I suppose the boys really don't understand that I really don't care.

"... I don't get it... Why did this all happen to me?"

"Bad Karma?" 

"Oh, you're hilarious."

"Well what do you want me to do? Tell you everything is gonna be alright when it's obvious to everyone around for about fifty miles that you're going through a depressive funk that will darken the sky more than a snow storm in July?"

"Anything that'll make this all go away."

"Then go die."

"What?"

"If you want it to all go away, then go die. It's not that hard. I was close to it once."

"... But... I don't want to die."

"Then.. it'll never all go away. If you want to live. Then take some time off, patience is the key to any kind of healing."

[i_It may feel very awkward,  
as if you're making empty promises,  
as if you're simply spanning empty space _[/i

"... What's the point?"

"The point is, that one day. You'll be able to look back on this and laugh. Because one day, you'll be stronger than what you're feeling now."

"But ..."

"Just shut up and try it, and no matter how horrible you think you are right now. Think about all the other people in the world and wonder what they're doing. You're not the only one suffering you know."

"... Alright..."

The last few presents laid on the table, all of them wrapped in simple brown from air mail. Everything plain seemed to be out of place compared to the vibrant colors of the other wrapped presents.

"Who are those from?"

"Friends. Who else?"

"... I thought you didn't have any."

"Who's the hilarious one now?"

I didn't have to guess who sent what, nor did I have to look at the names on the packages, everyone at home knew what humility meant and the value that I gave their friendship. They didn't have to send me anything. I should be the only one who needed to give anything.

"... So... aren't you going to open them?"

"Of course. What? Are you curious or something about the States?" 

"Who wouldn't be? All I've ever seen from them are all the Asian American fangirls who'll attack us without notice."

"Where I live, it's quite boring, nothing happens at all, so I can just lounge in my loft with my laptop and cats and write my heart away while staring outside at the sky."

"Sounds fun."

"Not unless your editor's hounding you for the next chapter of your novel."

"I can only imagine."

"And leave it at that, Mimi's about as sane as any of you guys."

"That sure is saying much."

"Eh, to each their own."

"Yeah... I suppose... do you miss it?"

[i_But someday, somehow, somewhere,  
you'll find yourself  
upon a brand new shore,  
glancing back at the bridge  
which you alone have built. _/i

"That's a dumb question. Of course I do... I miss every moment that I'm not with them. But I cherish every moment that I'm here too."

"And why is that?"

"Because, over there, is a world of old memories, and of times that I cherish. And here, I have to do the same. Even if I'm only here temporarily, I have to make the most of it. Or else... everything will be gone in the blink of an eye..."

"I see... So... whatcha get from them?"

"Well... Raphael gave me a new fountain pen, and Juliet gave me a copy of _The Scarlet Letter, _Sarah got me some new dice and Nana got me... Oh... my god..."

"Hm? What is it?"

[I_ It was a muggy summer day years and years back, back in the time when we were all young and reckless, back in the time before innocence was untainted and pure. Nana and I were having one of those little girl's runs through the mall with her parents. A new doll store had recently opened and was the place that every little girl would want to go to. _

_And there he sat. The very first muse who had begged me to write. The first one to have evoked something within me, sparked something deep inside that spoke of the future. Clad in blue and white, he was the very manifestation of elegance. And there he sat, patiently, waiting for me it seemed, his deep blue eyes beckoning me to come closer, to see him, meet him, own him._

_He was the very figure of a muse._

"_Nana! Nana! Look! I like that one!" _

"_Wow!!! it's so pretty!" _

"_Uh huh! And when I get it, I wanna name it Mercutio!"_

"_Mer... cu..tio?" _

"_Yeah! After that guy from that one play that we saw! You know! That kissy kissy one!" _

"_Ooh! That one! But... the doll looks nothing like the guy in the play!"_

"_Nyaha! But that's where you're wrong! He's the one that lives in here!" _

"_In your brain?"_

"_Yeah!"_

"_Let's go get it!" _

"_Yeah!" _

"_Mister... we'd like the pretty boy doll there in the window!"_

"_That one? Oh... little Miss... I'm afraid I can't sell him to you... I doubt you could afford him. He's a top quality ball jointed doll made across the ocean... and he's completely custom ma---"_

"_I've been saving my allowance all month Mister! I think I could!"_

"_Haha! There, there, even if you saved your allowance all YEAR, I don't think you could."_

"_How much is he?"_

"_He's six hundred dollars little Miss."_

"_SIX HUNDRED?!" _

"_Yes... So... if I could direct you to the other dolls that you might like..."_

"_One day Nana... I'm gonna get him...I'm gonna be able to have him."_

"_But... what if you can't?"_

"_Then... I'll write a story about getting him! Better yet! When I get old enough, I'm gonna go and change my name to that!"_

"_What good will that do?"_

"_I dunno. But it's a good idea!"_

"_You're weird Yashi..."_

_[/i_

I never forgot that day, that day in my life when I was determined to get that doll that sat at the window, his blue eyes staring blankly outside at me. I never forgot him. And in the end, I did indeed wrote a story about him. Though not the doll. The person.

I had given up the chance to own that doll at the window sill.

Until this moment.

This moment when he was in my hands.

"It's just... a doll... Why are you so emotionally attached to it? Your eyes are starting to well up."

"... His name's Mercutio... and he was my first muse."

So many years had past when I had given up on owning him, the muse that drove me to write even at that young age, the one that stayed in my mind through the years that I was in high school, and in college. The very doll that gave me inspiration for all I was.

Thank you, Nana. Thank you for remembering the one memory that I thought you had forgotten.

Thank you for everything.

"Your first muse eh? So who are the other ones?"

"The other inspirational people in my life."

"Like who?"

"The people that I've met in my life to push me beyond my original limits and to learn, the ones who made me just want to pick up a pencil and write until my eyes and heart bled. They've lost their faces and identities long, long ago, but their spirit remains."

"You're weird."

"I'll take that as a compliment, just telling me that won't change anything. It just confirms what the rest of the world sees."

"... I see... Well, I think I've overstayed my visit again. It's almost midnight."

"I can tell, I've got a clock you know."

"Here. Merry Christmas, you can have this. I don't need it anymore." He said finally getting up from my couch, his demeanor completely changed from the one that I had met when I had reached the door in the beginning. Tossing a small black box to me he left the room, humming a soft tune it seemed.

"... And here you thought I was the weirdo..."

The tiny black thing could fit into the palm of my hand. Something already told me what was inside. But curiosity got the better of me and I couldn't help but crack open the velvet coated box.

Inside was the most gorgeous ring I had ever seen, set in a white band was a large blue sapphire stone in the shape of heart, sparkling and winking in the poor excuse of lights in my room, surrounded by two round cut diamonds. The gems were set upon a set of trellis that held the twinkling rocks on a pedestal.

The sheer beauty of such a cold inanimate object was mind blowing, the amount of money he must have spent on creating such a thing must have been momentous. And the fact that he was able to throw it aside so easily disturbed me.

It happened so quickly. His gloom, his getting over it, it was all so quickly done, almost inhuman.

And it made me worry.

Tucking the box away into a drawer in the kitchen, I looked at the doll who sat there, enticing me to once again take up a pen to write. His blue eyes held a glamor and an unchanging expression that would forever be frozen on his body. He hadn't changed, and neither had the world.

But something within me had.

[I_ It always takes time to heal. [/i_


	23. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22: Da Chen Xiao Ai (Big City, Small Love)**

_[i__People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered.  
Love them anyway._

_December 27__th_

_Dear Diary,_

_Joe sent me to you as a way to vent, so I might as well put you to good use... hopefully this will be as private as they're made out to be. Two days after Christmas, the lull of the after holiday bores me to no end.__ I can't help it, I have to get out of this stuffed out place, this place where there is constantly a stream of happy people. I can't stand it anymore. I need time alone, time for solitude, and time for me to rethink everything. Everything is so complicated in this world. And with the rush of things that have been assaulting me, I have not had the time to do any meditative contemplation that I so often loved. Thank God the Han River is so close by, thank God that there's a little niche nearby where I can write without too much disturbance.[/i_

Issues in this world have never been too pleasant to say the least. Everyone has had their fair share of things and bunches of shit that they've had to deal with. I've always just believed that for the most part, it's easier to just keep them inside. Emotions will eventually fade away into the nothingness it came from, and then, we'll all be perfectly content.

It's so hard to love people though, so hard to let every horrible thing that they have done to love them unconditionally. It's so hard now a days, in a world were everything is so cold, so cruel. I'm surprised, every time I go somewhere for a walk in the still hours of the night, I see people completely infatuated with each other, completely there for one another.

We are such odd creatures we are. Always so complex, always changing and creating a unique version of ourselves to stand out in the world, however, what good is that? What good is it when no one pays attention. We as people have so many defenses against what we hate, the things that we cannot accept within ourselves, and we shut others away from them. As humans we constantly search for that happiness, but it's so hard... for we can never let go of everything. I can only hope to achieve that one day, to be able to love everyone without biased opinions, I can only hope that one day, I'll be able to love everyone, no matter how horrible they are.

[i_If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. _

_Do good anyway._

_It's cold here. Freezing almost, but I don't mind. It's warmer than the welcoming that I had received. I suppose I've changed since then, changed for the better, or for the worse, I don't know, but I don't mind it. It's better than to forever hate someone. That's just too tiering. It's easier to just forgive, forget, and give mercy. Hating takes too much energy, too much time, and too much effort. Love comes easily._

_Or at least... that's what I think. _

_Haha, I suppose I ramble a lot don't I? _

_The people here, they're all so cold, lifeless, almost robotic. I feel so sorry for them, I want them all to see the colors of the world, I want them to see life as I do. I suppose that's selfish of me, I suppose I want too much from this world. Then again it's so hard not to, we all want so many things in this world that we could never reach. So many things that are so hard to obtain. But we want them anyways, knowing that it will never make us happy. [/i_

The twinkling lights in the distance of the city light up the river as cruise ships take out people from the land to the water. Ferrying them to a place that no one could ever step on. It's a beautiful sight, really. A sight for more than one person to see. The river's so large, so grand, so peaceful. It's a sight that will forever remain in my memory for as long as I live. The brilliant lights floating across the black waters of the night, the peals of joyous laughter from the happy people having the time of their life and enjoying the holidays.

How I would love to one day reach out, and just touch one of those lights. Just touch one of those floating lights on the black river. I want to touch one, and believe that it's more than just a light, believe that it is a soul, believe that it's a light through the darkness that so many of us are afraid of.

I suppose I'm much like a child in that sense, wanting to touch the things that were never meant to be. I suppose that's just my imagination running free. I never did too much to tame it, I just always let it run, have fun, scream, play, and be itself. I never thought, that for any time in my life, that it would do me harm.

I never thought for one day that people would shun me for it. See me as someone with a different norm than the rest of them. I never thought that seeing the world in color would bring me down. I never thought that my innocence would be colored black with the soot of city life.

It's such a large city, but my love for it dwindles every day. Every day I wonder why I can even stand it here. Every day, my love for my little town back in the States.

[i_Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. _

_Be honest and frank anyway_

_Everyone keeps saying that I'm a kind person. I wonder what that means sometimes. Is it the ability to forgive? Is it the ability to be patient with everyone around me? Is it the ability to be generous? Or, is it something else? What is it that make me such a 'kind' person? _

_Perhaps, it's because they've never seen me as who I am, the person past all the harsh exteriors. Perhaps it's because they see me as someone else, not the sensitive, attention craving person that's been lost for so long. Perhaps, it's because, I've lost everything dear to me, or maybe, it's just because they just see what they want to see, a person, just a person with the patience and the ability to deal with things as they come, whether good or bad. _

_I don't know. But, it was because of this 'kindness' within me, that caused me to lose so much. It was because of this 'kindness' I was able to ruin my life. _

_I don't know if I want to be kind anymore.[/i_

There was snow on the ground. A thing that was so rarely seen in my days living in Georgia, a thing of such purity that could be ruined so easily. There's so much of it here in Korea, I wish I could bottle it up somehow and freeze it in time so I could forever remember the brilliant white landscapes that I'm so fond of.

Maybe...

I should move back to Connecticut. Where my heart was left. It wasn't my idea to move there in the first place. It was hers. Leigh's.

Funny I can think of her without too much sorrow. Odd that I can think of her sudden leaving without too much remorse or anger. I suppose this is forgiving.

_[iThe biggest person with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest person with the smallest mind. _

_Think big anyway._

_I had always wanted to be someone of name. I had always had dreams of grandeur and of fame. But I'm not too sure if I want that anymore, with what I've seen here with the boys I work for. I don't know if I want to be famous anymore. _

_It had always been my dream to be the next biggest writer to come from the states. It was always a dream of mine to see the world, to experience it all so I could put it on paper for all of those who could never see it. I __wanted everyone to see the brilliance of life as it was now, without any lies. _

_How I was such a fool. _

_I was willing to work for it, I really was. But I had no idea how much I had to. Everything I had done, I had done for her, I had done everything for her dreams. Not mine. It was all for Leigh's dreams._

_I was no where in sight in them._

_The dream I was supporting, had nothing to do with me. _

_I'm such an idiot. [/i_

"Hey... What are you doing here out in the cold?"

"I... I Uhm... I'm just looking out at the river is all."

"Don't lie. I saw you writing something."

"Don't tell me you want to read it, Yunho. It's just a bunch of rambles."

"I kinda do, and I kinda don't at the same time. It's a diary right? Those are normally private thoughts right?"

"Wow, you're actually not half dumb."

"Shut up."

"Whatever."

"Still..." He started before sitting down on the cold concrete next to me. "How is it, that you're out here and not inside? It'd be a lot more comfortable."

"I couldn't stand it anymore. I need air."

"Glad to know I'm not the only one. Anyways, as you were."

"Thanks."

_[iWhat you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. _

_Build anyway._

_Everything I had wanted had come crashing down. I don't know why, and quite frankly, I think I know how. But, the memories of it all are too painful right now, I'd rather just pretend I don't know for the time being. _

_Years and years of dreams, of aspirations, were all gone with a simple piece of paper. I think I might just give up writing for now. Concentrate on my life here and not worry about what's behind me. I should finish the life I've started to build here before coming back to the one that I had spent so long working on there. I should go back to that world once I'm done here. Go back to that world that will be no doubt, foreign when I step foot on the states again._

_But, there isn't too much I can do now can I?[/i_

"So. I guess you like staring out at the river?"

"You can say that."

"It's calming isn't it?"

"It is. It's grandeur and it's over encompassing width continuously leave me in awe at how something so beautiful can be so tame, and yet, have the fury of the gods at the same time. I don't know... I should just finish this entry..."

"When you're done. Can I read it?" 

"Hypocrite! You told me that you wouldn't pry on my private thoughts!"

"You're constantly invading my personal space! Why can't I?"

"Because I said so, and I'm a girl. That's why."

"... Fine. I'll find a way to read it one day."

"The day you read Hamlet and understand why it's so great, we'll talk about that."

"... You're mean."

"Thanks."

_[i__Give the world the best you have and you might get kicked in the teeth. _

_Give the world the best you've got anyway. _

_I've been kicked down so many times before. Thrown away to the side by so many people I wanted love from. Changed from a hating person to someone who could accept. But still, the world asks so much from me. How much more does it want? How much more does it want me to go through? _

_I don't know. _

_Why is it that I don't know so much? Why can't I know these things? _

_Why?_

_Where did I go wrong? _

_When did I go wrong?_

_Why did I go wrong? _

_Someone, anyone tell me. _

_I don't want to stand up anymore. I want to lean on someone. Lean on them and have them help. I want to give the world my best at all times. But, I can't. I just can't, and now. I just want a break. _

_Dear Diary, Please, if possible, send this letter to God, and plead, pray, ask, beg, anything, just ask him anyway possible, to get this wish granted. I promise, I'll be a good girl from now on, I promise... That.. I will try my best to be the best person. _

_I just need someone to lean on. _

_That's all._

_Love, _

_  
Yashi Mogami[/i_

"There. Done."

"About time. My butt's about to be frozen off! How long have you been sitting here?"

"About an hour or so? I don't mind. The cold feels good compared to the apartment."

"Yeah, cause you're half delusional and in need of a therapist."

"I'm not having the rapist look at me!"

"... What?"

"... Never mind, it's an English pun. Just ignore it."

"... You're weird."

"Thanks, I think we've already established that."

"But that's alright. You're unique because of it, and that's why you're irreplaceable in our hearts."

"... Thanks."

"Hey, that's what we're here for."

"Yeah... I suppose."

Silence for a few more moments as the two of us watched the waters shift and change with the soft wind and the moving boats.

"Okay, that's it, you're crazy for staying out here without freezing to death first. I'm dragging you inside before you die of pneumonia."

"... Okay."

Dear God.

Thank you.

I think you've sent me the best Christmas present ever.

Friends in this country.


	24. Chapter 23

**Chapter 23: Mian Ju (Mask)**

"Hey! Good job today! Come back tomorrow for rehearsal! Kay?"

"No problem! Concert's coming up soon so we gotta work hard eh?"

"Yeah!"

"Good job y'all! Come back tomorrow refreshed and we'll go over everything again."

"Sure thing!"

"Good night y'all! Good luck y'hear?"

"Not a problem for us!"

[i_Whir, click, click, click, whiiirrr, pt, pt, pt, pt._

_After awhile you learn [/i_

Good night DBSK. Good night Super Junior. Good night everybody. Everybody, except me.

It's that time of the year again. That time of the year where everyone is working hard here to make another successful concert come to life. It's that time of the year where the new moon rises as the world takes another spin around the sun in the waltz of life.

"Hey! Yashi! You coming home with us?"

"... if you guys want to be naked the day of your concert, then I say no, Jaejoong."

"Workoholic..."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"You take anything as a compliment don't you?"

"Pretty much."

"Hey, you guys go ahead. I'll stay with her."

"... Alright, Romeo. You keep telling yourself that!"

"Jaejoong, I'm going to call for a divorce!"

"Oh, don't do that, Yunho, you never know when an extra lover will come in handy."

"You...shut up too."

"Fine with me..."

[i_Whir, click, click, click, whiiirrr, pt, pt, pt, pt._

_the subtle difference between  
holding a hand and chaining a soul [/i_

Funny, I don't know whether or not he's staying her in my closet of death and destruction out of pity or out of just friendship. Not that I care. It's good to have some company and companionship even if it's from some jerk who enjoys to torture me with intricate time consuming life threatening designs that would poke holes in my eyes if I'm not careful enough and lean too close to the cloth.

[i_Whir, click, click, click, whiiirrr, pt, pt, pt, pt._

_and you learn that love doesn't mean possession  
and company doesn't mean security. [/i_

"So."

"So what?"

"What are you up to?"

"Sewing."

"Anything new?"

"The cloth."

"In your life?"

"My underwear?"

"... Did I need to know that?"

"You asked."

"Right."

[i_Whir, click, click, click, whiiirrr, pt, pt, pt, pt._

_And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts  
and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept [/i_

"So, uh... how long do you think it'll take for you to finish?"

"Six years."

"Think you can have it done before then?"

"When the Hell freezes over and I don't get any sleep."

"Are you mad at me?"

"Why would I be?"

"You're just... not being extremely talkative that's all."

"I'm working, I'm sure you don't chit chat all the time when you work."

"Actually... I do."

"Should I care?"

"No."

"Good Job."

[i_Whir, click, click, click, whiiirrr, pt, pt, pt, pt._

_your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead  
with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child. [/i_

"I'm surprised that you're over your girlfriend already."

"I'm surprised you're over your boyfriend so quickly."

"Copy cat."

"So? I'm older, it doesn't apply to me."

"Yes it does."

"No it doesn't, I'm older, I've got more wisdom."

"You're just delusional."

"... Right. Mind if I asked how you met him?"

"Why would you care?"

"Just curious really, he seemed so perfect, I don't know why you'd break up with him. Seriously, he's handsome, blond, blue eyed, gentle, courteous."

"And you would know this how?"

"He dropped by for a few days after that party remember? I happened to stop by and watch the two of you talk."

"Stalker."

"Hey, I was just worried for you!"

"And why would you be worried? He's a friend, and an ex-boyfriend at that. I don't see why there's any worry, it's obvious that he and I were, and still are close."

[i_Whir, click, click, click, whiiirrr, pt, pt, pt, pt._

_And you learn to build your roads today  
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans [/i_

"Alright, that's all great and dandy, so do you mind telling me? From the look of things, you've got some time here."

"... I don't see why not. It's not like I can do anything about the past..."

"Exactly."

"Shut up and listen then."

It's always hard for me to share these old memories. Especially to these people, the people who have basically held me captive for the past six months, the people who will continue to hold me captive until the contract with Hell is over. It's hard to relive the times of happiness in such gloom. It only makes me sink deeper into that depression of wistful wants. It only makes me want to go back into that time and bask in the sunshine that continuously shone at all times. But, sharing such times is the reason we can keep going, we all just share the burden and learn, that we cannot live alone.

We are such social animals, despite what people will say about being anti-social.

And it is in our nature to share our joys, our sorrows, and everything else to ease the pain of life.

[i_Whir, click, click, click, whiiirrr, pt, pt, pt, pt._

_After awhile you learn that even sunshine  
burns if you get too much so you plant your  
own garden and decorate your own soul  
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. [/i_

"I just graduated from college. For four years after I graduated from high school, I had gone to a woman's college in a small town in Virginia to study writing. He was the first person to actually hire me for my work, my talent, and not anything else."

"So wait... you're saying that he was your boss for a while?" 

"Yeah... but he wasn't exactly the chief executive there... so well yeah, I was fired shortly after when my muse had decided to go on vacation."

"Vacation?"

"Yes, vacation, my inspiration that I had after I left school had suddenly just flown away, gone into the wind where I couldn't catch it. He came and helped me I suppose. He was the first actual man to come over and help me get back onto my feet after a fall."

"What a gentleman."

"No dip, Sherlock. Raphael's the son of a famous publisher in the states. He had everything, looks, charm, personality, money... I suppose it was just obvious that I would fall for him. I'm still trying to figure out why he fell for me..."

"I'm pretty sure you're more charming than what you put yourself out to be."

"And how would you know that?"

"Cause I've seen you drunk."

"I have no idea how that would count, but that's beside the point. Anyways, as I was saying, he was able to get me through one of those depressive funks and pretty much get me back on my feet after a while. I guess... things happened and well... we started going out... end of story."

"... I see... What was he like?"

"From what you told me from your observations, you seem to know him very well without even talking to him."

[i_Whir, click, click, click, whiiirrr, pt, pt, pt, pt._

_And you learn that you really can endure  
that you really are strong  
and you really do have worth [/i_

"Yeah. I guess."

"People watcher..."

"What was that?"

"All I was saying is that you watch people. That's all."

"I have no idea whether or not that's a good thing or bad."

"Take it as a good thing."

"Alright then."

[i_Whir, click, click, click, whiiirrr, pt, pt, pt, pt.[/i_

"_Hey! Uhm, yeah... sorry about the job... dad just doesn't exactly like way you write."_

"_What's wrong with it?" _

_I had been fired for a record of three days, ten hours and five minutes when I had gotten the call from him. The time I had spent at that publishing company had been a measly three months and four days before I was fired. _

"_Well, he just says that your style's just more for novel writing, and not for articles. I'm sorry."_

"_... It's alright. I'll find employment."_

_That was a lie. I barely had enough coordination skills to flip a burger. The only thing I was good at at that point was sewing patches onto clothes and writing my heart out until I bled. Perhaps I was an idiot for wanting nothing more than to live off of the imagination. Perhaps I was the fool to think that I didn't need more than what my mind had given me. _

_I was a fool to think that people would like to read what I had to say. _

"_Right, when it says on your resume that you have the ability to trip over air. Doubt it."_

"_I'll manage somehow."_

"_Right. Anyways, I've got a couple of friends that you might like to meet. Other publishers y'know?"_

"_... Really?"_

"_Yup."_

"_.. I.. I uh... don't know how to thank you uhm... Whoever you are.."_

"_Raphael. The guy who hired you?" _

"_Oh.. right... I knew that."_

"_Are all writers as forgetful as you?"_

"_No... I'm an exception."_

_A laugh on his end of the phone. I somehow was able to grow attached to that sound, the sound of just a kind gentle chuckle. The sound of acceptance without any biased opinions. The sound of someone accepting me for who I was. The call that had been made out of pity and out of mercy somehow dragged on into hours of just mindless babbles. _

_I could remember the look on Leigh's face when she heard me talking to someone for so long, the look of complete loathing. As if she were the only one that I should pay attention to, as if she were the only important object in my life..._

"_Who are you talking to?"_

"_My ex-employer... he thinks he might get us a publishing company to get our works out!"_

"_Great. Tell him to get on the job already, I'm dying to get some fame."_

"_Ha, you're not the only one. Patience Leigh, patience."_

"_Right..."_

_Days rolled by and so did the meetings with the publishers, we were able to get our first words out to the world. It was a matter of who would be willing to buy it. Days turned to weeks, and weeks turned into months, royalties came in slowly, and we were able to scrape by. _

_Raphael had turned into more than a person who got me a job almost the moment I was fired, he was able to save my whole life as I know it. He was a muse, a brilliant muse that worked and helped, not only to inspire, but to help life as it was. _

_It was on a breezy summer day when he finally told me what I had meant to him. It was another call from him, just a friendly call, after all the months of being published, he still never stopped worrying about the two of us as an older brother would. I could never thank him enough for that. _

"_... Yashi... I... I think..."_

"_You think?"_

"_I think I love you... Would you consider... maybe going out on a date sometime with me?"_

_It's so hard to say three words. Especially those. I don't know what I was thinking. Perhaps it was just me, thinking I had someone at last._

"_... Can... can you give me a few moments to think it over?" _

"_... Of course."_

_I hadn't thought of it then, but thinking back on it now, his voice had sounded so sad over the phone. I had never thought of it, but he was crushed to think that he had to wait for my answer. _

_And to think. That all I could do for him as a thank you was kiss him one last time before he left. _

_And to think that I could have fought for the person who did me so much good. To think that I could have had a life of happiness._

_It's heart breaking. _

_I loved him. _

_And I still do. _

_I don't know if it's as much as I did before, or is it the envious jealousy of hating that faceless fiancée that his parents had set him up with. _

_I don't know. [/i_

"He was your first love?"

"Huh?"

"I know you're not deaf. He was the first guy you loved wasn't he?"

" What's it to you?"

"Nothing... Just ... wondering really."

"Right..."

_[iWhir, click, click, click, whiiirrr, pt, pt, pt, pt._

_and you learn  
and you learn... [/i_

"Why do you always have to push us away?"

"What are you talking about?"

"... Why is it that you can never open up to us?"

"Why should I? The moment I leave this country, you won't have to care."

"Yes I do."

"And why is that?"

"Because... because I care."

"Well you shouldn't."

"And why is that?"

"Because I said so. Look, I just find it hard to find friends, is that so hard to accept? If you haven't noticed, my best friends happen to know me back to the Elementary school days and sometimes even before, the people that I trust happen to work very hard and diligently. I can't give out friendship. It's just not in me."

".. Why?"

"Because, under this mask... is a very emotionally unstable person that doesn't want anyone to see. She hates people, hates them for all they've done, she finds it hard to trust because she's been broken like a doll so many times. So instead, she puts on this mask so that no one has to see how ugly and cracked she's become. She puts on this mask of coldness to ward away everyone. So that she can protect herself from breaking again."

"You don't have to you know. Not around me at least."

"And why would you say that?"

"Because. You can trust me. I'll be a friend whether you like it or not. And I promise, I won't break that person behind the mask. You can trust me. You have my word."

"The very words of the guy who called me a bitch, and a whore the first day of work?"

"The very one. People change you know."

"Yeah, I know that very well."

"So, I've changed, ever since I was dumped by HaNeul, I've been thinking and..."

"And what?"

"And I figured, that I've made some really bad mistakes in the past few months, and I'm sorry for them... and I think you should give being a friend with me a second chance."

"Idiot. I've already given it to you. You're just the blind one who can't see that."

"... Thanks."

"Uh huh. Now go home already. I've got two more costumes, three days and a few more hours before the concert. Get some sleep already or your band mates'll have my head for making you stay late."

"It was my idea."

"It's my closet. Now get out."

"Fine. Fine."

"Good night, Yunho. Send my regards to HanKyung and the others kay?"

"Right. Remember what I said alright? I'm not gonna give up until I know that person underneath."

"Whatever. You're just tired. Good Night."

Though, a little part of me wished with all its might that he wasn't lying.

A little part of me wanted him to care.

And that little part of me wanted him to love.


	25. Chapter 24

**Chapter 24: Hui Dao Guo Qu (Return to the Past)**

If I could state the things that I hold dear in my life, they would be the little things that I had carried with me in that small box there yonder. That tiny little box filled with the treasures of the past. I hadn't been able to open it and stare at the contents within. Though small, and probably something that normal people would never never think of calling 'treasures' they are mine. And I can't leave anywhere without them.

It's concert day today, and there are enough people looking after DBSK that I don't have to worry about being there. I've labeled their outfits enough times to the point where even a blind man could find what belongs to whom.

Sigh, sigh, nothing for me to do except look at the old memories that can be compacted into a small, ordinary box. Nothing except finally dig through those old memories that I've always been able to smile at, no matter how horrid I feel. I'm surprised that none of the boys have tried to steal it just yet. Then again, what's so significant about a little collection of junk to them would surprise them. Quite frankly, it surprises me at times at how much I treasure these objects. There's a photo, a fountain pen and a collection of rocks in the small box. Odd that such commonplace objects could be the reason I had been able to smile at times of complete and utter dreary misery.

The photo is a black and white shot of me, in silhouette, walking along the coast of Myrtle Beach in South Carolina. We were on one of those random vacations that Raphael would drag us on, just me, Nana, him and another one of his friends. I was twenty two that year, just barely out of my college years. My hands were in the pocket of my jeans and I was wearing a loose fitting tank top. I was barefoot on the beach that day and my hair, cropped short and streaked with blue and white seemed to float out from my head as a summer breeze blew through the cliffs and the ocean around us. The setting sun had laid long silver streaks streaks above the metallic water, and the sad of the beach was already dark, though when looked closely at, my footprints could be seen engraved in the sand.

It's a serene picture, the kind that one sees in a newspaper on slow news days. I had found this simple picture so comforting, something that I just couldn't bear to get rid of. It has brought me calm through my horrid years of depression or just those stressful moments. It's been through so much with me, even though it's existence is a mere three years, it feels like an old friend. The photographer is none other than Nana on that day. She had just snapped the picture for her portfolio, I kept the original and for days on end, Raphael would try to wrestle it from my hands. It was too precious, too reminiscent of the days that would never come back.

_[I "Kyaa! Yashi! You looked perfect right there!"_

_  
"... what? Walking down the beach?"_

"_Yeah! It's perfect! I'm gonna give you the original okay?"_

"_Er... Alright..." _

"_You don't believe me do you?"_

"_Why should I?" _

"_Because... I'm your BEST FRIEND."_

"_The BEST FRIEND that just lied and took a picture of me without telling me!"_

"_I want the original!"_

"_You don't get a say about this, Raphael!"_

"_Hey! It's my beach house you guys are staying in!"_

"_You're the one who invited us!" _

"_BUT!"_

"_You're not getting it from me!"_

"_Yashi!"_

"_Nyahaaa!!!"_

_The rest of the night was spent with us throwing water at each other, Nana stowed away her camera before this incident, and just in short, being carefree as possible before the real world would hit us at full force. It was before the time of depression, before a time of anything but pure bliss. [/i_

I was during that time that I had thought I was on top of the world, Leigh and I were having a perfectly good time together, collaboratively putting our creativity together to form a world that was greater than what we could have done, before the time when Leigh's drug addiction became too much, it was all during a time when the sun shone a brighter color than the watery light that it gave off during the winter.

Even now, in this bleak world, it gives me hope, hope that I would one day walk along a sandy beach again in pure bliss, walk along with the person that I love and not be alone. Oddly enough, perhaps the thing that I love about the photo the most, is the shoulders of the person in it. Sure, it's me, but, it's so different now, so different in personality, so different in age, in everything really. The young woman in the picture, her shoulders are squared, straight and unstressed. They look ready, or at least, hoping to be ready, for whatever it is that might happen beyond that front edge of her adulthood. The image of her makes me feel hopeful for that young woman. It makes me feel hopeful for myself as well, hopeful for the future with people that I care so deeply for.

It makes me feel hopeful at the aspect of being able to love again.

It's odd how some small objects can give such a spiritual lift to my heart. Perhaps this was what I needed, just some time to reconnect with the things in my life. Maybe I'm just too damned emo and close minded about how much I really cared about the people. Maybe, I'm just too damned depressed at times to look at the bright future, or the beauty of creation.

Just like what the pen is used for.

It's an old pen, a decrepit thing, out of ink, and years old. Why I even keep it anymore I wonder sometimes. But every time I look at it, I can't help but keep in there. It brings me wisdom in times of pure hopelessness, advice when I have no one to look to. Perhaps it was because my professor had given it to me as a farewell gift, perhaps it was because of how much I treasured the beautiful finish of the pen, or, perhaps it is the simple fact that I had been able to pen so many words with this simple pen.

Its rich blood red color lends towards the brilliant gold trimming in a smooth, continuous line. But, perhaps the only reason that I cannot part with this treasure, is not it's monetary value, but the value of the words engraved in cursive text upon the bodice of the pen.

[I_ Doubt thou the stars are fire,_

_Doubt that the sun doth move,_

_Doubt truth to be a liar,_

_But never doubt I love. -- William Shakespeare_

_Hamlet, Act II, Scene II[/i_

I suppose they are appropriate words for a writer. However, they are appropriate for all of life as well. Words to bring strength to a weakened state. What is life without doubt?

What is life without love?

And perhaps, most importantly, never doubt that people could love.

[I _"Because. You can trust me. I'll be a friend whether you like it or not. And I promise, I won't break that person behind the mask. You can trust me. You have my word."[/i_

His voice echoes in my head over and over like a mantra, driving me into a slow, blissful insanity. It resounds over and over in my mind, chanting, over and over, screaming, commanding almost, for me to place trust in him.

[I _"But... I don't want to be hurt anymore. [/i_

No one does. But I've got to move on. I can't sit in this stagnant water of life anymore. I can't stand and wallow in my despair. There are things I need to see, barriers that I need to break beyond that of which I stand in now.

But... it hurts so much to trust sometimes.

[I _"You can trust me.."[/i_

I want to, I really do. But I don't know if I have the courage to.

The soft clack of a stone dropping to the floor somehow breaks me out of the reverie of dread, of uncertainty. The stones that tell my journey of life are still here. Perhaps, when I was six, maybe seven, a man who worked as a gardener in our neighborhood handed me a clod of earth. It fit perfectly into my tiny little hand at that time, now, it barely covers half of my palm. I could see it was a rock, but he called it dirt.

[I_ "This is the dust of your ancestors." [/i_

It was a black, lustrous and dense beyond anything I had ever held in my life.

[I "_Take it. Keep it. Put it where it can watch you while you sleep and mind you when you wake. It is, like you, a child. We come from dirt, and it is to dirt we'll all return. "[/i_

The gardener would tell me of faith that seemed as old as the land itself. Of something as old as the dirt itself, something as ancient as the solid from which all life had sprung. He spoke of the glory of every stalk of green around me. He said that my greatest power would come when I died, because it was from death that seeds would sprout and life would leap once more. He talked about how time could harden a man, harden the earth, make it stone, then grind it all to a fine white sand.

When I was thirteen, my parents had decided to take a vacation to my grandparent's home and within a month of being there, I remember clearly, I was pulling a hunk of quarts from my grandfather's home. Grandpa was the one who taught me how to skip stones over water, how to put pebbles in my mouth and learn to pronounce English like a native. He taught me how to watch at sunset, how to walk through the night unafraid.

And when he died during our visit and I sat on the porch, holding his hand, I wondered how life would ever spring again from the shards of our broken hearts.

To those little pieces of quartz and rock from way back, I had since added a number of other amulets. A petrified chestnut from a footpath during a hike, A lump of speckled granite I found on a beach on a vacation to Hawaii with Raphael and a bunch of other friends. A seashell handed to me by one of my colleagues in a moment of much-needed solidarity and friendship. These bits and pieces of earth slowly collected themselves into the collection that was before me.

Perhaps we mortals have been carriers of earth, worshipers of the rock. This made sense. Even as a child, I would have been able to understand this. Death is exactly the point at which a high-spirited, mischievous prankster would run out of ideas. Death is the point at which life would battle the ultimate obstacle in order to be forged into something else again, something altogether new. But somewhere, just somewhere on the road to growing up, that changed. I began to fear death. So, without really understanding I was doing, I kept pocketing amulets against that final encounter.

I have done all this as a prayer against he very thing our old gardener had promised as renwal. That from the disintegration of my flesh, the rot of trees, the dust of great civilizations, real life would leap once more. And yet, if there is one thing I learned from the gardener, it is that we all will be threshed down, plowed under, turned with the earth that has been here long before us. I am the grass, a poet once wrote. "I cover all. In the end, I, too will be little more than an infinitesimal grain on this planet." But I will carry these memory stones until the last moment, until I no longer can, until I am dead, gone to ashes. Until I live again. When I'll grow.

Perhaps this was all I needed to calm down in such a hectic world. Perhaps this was all I needed, just some time to recollect with the things that I could never part with no matter what people say. It brought me peace in a time of war, it brought me love in a time of hate.

And it brought me to renewal in a time of death.

"Hey... What's in there?"

"GHA! What the Hell, Hankyung?! Aren't you at the concert?!"

"Well, someone's gotta babysit the room..."

"Your room... needs babysitting?"

"Why yes. Didn't you know? Our refrigerator's name is Chester, he's a temperamental one, doomed to explode anytime, so we gotta have at least one person watching it."

"Right... why don't you just get a mechanic?"

"What's in the box?"

"Answer my question first."

"I'm older."

"I asked first."

"I'm still older. What's in the box?"

"Stuff."

"Like?"

"The remnants of your dead great grandmother twice removed. I was traveling to Peru and had decided to pick them up."

"... You're joking right?"

"Of course."

"Oh. Okay. I knew that."

"Right."

"So what's in the box?"

"Why don't you call the mechanic?"

"I asked first this time!"

"Fine. If you must here."

"... This... is just a bunch of junk."

"To you, sure. To me, not really."

"What's so special about these things? It's like... just a picture, and a couple of rocks, and uh... a pen?"

"What's it to you? I carry these things 'cause they've got more weight and more importance than some of my other material possessions."

"Why?"

"Symbolism, Hankyung. Symbolism. They're the relics of a time when I was once an innocent little girl without a care in the world. That was before I became the gopher for eighteen men who live like princesses."

"Did you just call me a princess?"

"Yes, yes I did, Hankyung."

"Should I be flattered at that?"

"I don't know? Should you?"

"Why are you asking me?! You're the one who said it!"

"You're the one who wanted it analyzed."

"You're the one who's supposed to know..."

"No I'm not. You just took it the wrong way."

"Yashi, you're mean."

"I know. But I can be nice too."

"Of course. We've all seen that... Ohh! I like this rock! It's so pretty!"

He had picked up the very stone that the gardener had given me so many years ago. Through the years, no matter how much wear and tear it had gone through, it was still black, lustrous and dense as the day that he had handed it to me.

"... It's dust."

"No it's not. It's clearly a rock."

"It's the dust of your ancestors. Take it. Keep it. Put it where it can watch you while you sleep and mind you when you wake. It is like you. We come from the dirt, and it is to dirt we'll all return."

"Right... Well... Get some sleep, it's past midnight, I've been away from my watch of the murderous refrigerator ... and... Happy new year. For westerners at least." He murmured giving me a small hug and a kiss on the forehead. "Be ready for work tomorrow eh?"

"Right... Work..."

"Well, good night. And I'll call that mechanic tomorrow, if it'll put your mind at ease."

"Good. I don't want to wake up to any loud and potentially dangerous sounds of my superiors dying, being maimed or being brutally murdered by their refrigerator."

"... You've got one hell of a morbid sense of humor."

"It's in the writer genes."

"Right. You keep telling yourself that."

"Go to bed already."

"Fine, Fine. Don't stay up too late."

"Don't loose that clod of earth."

"I won't."

"Good night."

" 'Gnight."

The door to my room clicked closed and the quiet sigh of snow falling seemed to make the room glow with a coziness that only comes with winter.

"Time to say good by to old memories, no matter how treasured they are..."

I don't care if no one's listening, I don't care if I am talking to the air. I don't mind, it's oddly comforting.

"And hello to new ones for this year..."

I placed the box back onto the shelf where it originally sat, only this time with a new addition in it. The small velvet box that was sitting in the drawer beneath it went inside, along with all the treasures in my world.

His trash, his old love, his past, I can't help but accept them.

And make them part of my life as well.

Good night, sweet dreams, and happy new year, world.


	26. Chapter 25

**Chapter 25: Ai Qing Xuan Ya (Love's Cliff)**

[I _Paris, the sky is a blinding blue color that only accentuated the glory of the city of love. Birds chirping happily in the lush green boughs of the trees above. The air was thick with the perfume of summer. The blazing sun, the happy chatter of people walking, the simple beauty of a city alive. _

_Wait a second._

_Why am I here? What am I doing here? _

"_Hurry up! Your portfolio review's coming soon!" _

"_Portfolio?" _

_  
"Don't tell me you forgot! That __École Emile Cohl __school was offering you a full ride scholarship! Don't tell me you forgot!"_

"_Nana... They never told me anything! What are you talking about! Hey! Quit that!"_

"_No time to waste, Yashi! Come on! Get in this thing!"_

"_... It's a dress..."_

_  
"Yes. It's a dress. You're not planning to go to an interview with a suit now do you?"_

"_Actually---"_

"_I'm in charge this time. NOW GO."_

"_Fine..." _

_She stood there, waiting outside the bathroom of the hotel that we were staying in, her foot tapping impatiently on the ground as I was forced to slip into an actual dress. _

"_Why do I have to do this again?"_

"_Because you're a girl."_

"_Right..."_

"_Come on! Let's go already!"_

"_Fine! Fine!"_

_The large portfolio stood at the edge of the bed, it almost came up to my waist it was filled with every art related piece I had ever done. Oddly enough, it was lighter than what I was used to. I had always remembered that hulking thing to be so heavy, so laden with things of sentimental value that I would have to carefully drag it behind me. _

_Odd that it had somehow become so light. _

"_Come on! Come on!"_

"_Alright! Alright!"_

_The cobbled streets of France were not exactly the easiest things to run upon, especially in heels but we were on a time crunch and thus, sprinted the whole way to the college which seemed to be miles away. Oddly enough, we were able to get there in record time. A grand building it was, lavishly covered with ornate and beautiful sculpture. Trees elegantly lined the pathways, shading and leading up towards the school which was impeccably framed with vaulting fountains that shot water up towards the sky, it was a breath taking sight indeed. _

_The campus was indeed beautifully crafted by none other than the greatest artists in the world. No wonder it was such an honor to be here, especially on an offer for a full ride scholarship. And there he sat. His perfectly chiseled face outlined by the blue of the water from the fountains and the sky in a profile. A perfect nose, perfect blood red lips, perfect hair. He was the very embodiment of perfection and beauty. _

_He looked exactly like Yunho. _

_The portfolio review and the aspect of possibly getting into graduate school for free became an after thought suddenly, all that mattered was that I talked to this enigma of a man. _

_The concrete bench was cold but what was I going to complain about? He had sparked something within me, something that I can't explain. Deeper than the love and admiration that I had for Raphael, deeper and, just something more than what I had for someone that I had cared for so much. _

"_Uhm... Hi..."_

"_Leave me alone..."_

_His voice, it sounds just like Yunho's. That crystal clear tone. Low, comforting, edgy, and god damned sexy. _

"_I... I uh... just wanted to say hi..." _

"_Well say hi to someone else. Don't you know the meaning of personal space?! What the hell are you doing here anyways? You don't belong here! You're some random girl who just happened to land herself at a job here. Please, as IF you could EVER attract one of us. You're out of your MIND."_

"_Wait... what are you talking about?!"_

"_You know. I don't see what Hankyung or Sungmin see in you, you're nothing but a whore who got lucky enough. Get away from me."_

_The scenery warped itself from the brilliant sky and fountains to the white walls that had replaced my life as I know it. The bleak walls seemed so transparent, so thin, leaning towards the sky. _

"_You're not needed. Not by us.."_

_This wasn't happening. Why the hell was this happening?! What did I do wrong? Where did I go wrong? How? I didn't know they hated me so much. _

"_None of us need you."_

_Of all the insults that I've heard from him. This, hurt the most. [/i_

"GHYAAAAA!!!!!"

"Well. Good morning sleeping beauty."

"... What the hell, YUNHO?!"

There was the very person who had invaded my dreams, his arms wrapped around me, a groggy look on his face along with a bit of a lop sided grin, his hair tousled and his pajamas in disarray. He chuckled slightly, his grin still on his face.

"Good morning to you too."

"What the hell are you doing here?!"

"Why, I'm sleeping of course... well was."

"What happened to your room?!"

"The others were snoring. So I decided to sleep here."

"Why not the next door neighbors?!"

"With their refrigerator like it is, I didn't want to risk my life."

"And so you decided to invade my personal bubble?"

"What personal bubble?"

"... The one that you're hugging. Quite frankly, I think it popped the moment you walked through this bedroom door."

"Awe... Is someone grumpy when she wakes up?"

"Shaddup. I'm getting up... I got work today, unlike some of the population."

"Awe, come on... don't you wanna just cuddle up with me under the blankets? It's cold outside."

"Yes, and I also need to get paid. How was the concert?"

"... Filled with fangirls."

"That's good. It means you guys get paid."

"But they're all so annoying. All of them want a piece of us... one way or the other."

"Well, fame is a two edged sword. What do you expect?"

"A bit more sympathy from you?"

"... What do you want me to say? I love you until death does us part and I'd jump off of a cliff for you?"

"Yes..."

"Well there, I said it. Happy?"

"Why are you so mean? You like me don't you?"

"That's a lie."

"It is?"

[i_Of course it is you twit. I hate you.[/i_

"Of course not. I love you."

"Come again?"

Crap. Did I just blurt that out? What the hell is wrong with me? I thought I had more self restraint than that. Damn, all that psychology crap about thinking the thing you want to say and saying the thing that you want to think. What a perfectly great time to drop that phenomenon Maybe I can just B.S my way out of this.

"Uhm... sorry. I'm still sleepy... Bye."

"No you're not. I'm pretty sure you're awake. It normally takes an awake person to yell at me at that volume."

"Well, I was half sleep walking."

"Lies."

"Bye."

"Nu uh. Not until you tell me the truth." He grabbed me and pulled me into a near bone crushing hug.

"Yunho... can't... breath... life... danger... black..."

"... oops."

"GOD... next time you do that... give me a warning."

"Okay, WARNING!"

"HO SHI--- YUNHO!"

"But you told me to give you a warning!"

"Get your hands off of me!"

"No."

"And why not? I'm gonna be late to work."

"Not until you tell me if that last part was true."

"What? Going to work?"

"No. Before that."

"Giving me a warning?"

"Even before?"

"I love you?"

"Uh huh."

"And why would I need to tell you if it were true?" 

"Because I want to know if I've got another fan."

"Well, now you know. Yes, you do have another fan. There, happy?"

Love is like a cliff. If it's unrequited, there's a chance that one will continue to walk along the cliff and fall forever, fall towards the sea of sorrow below and never return to the surface to see life as it is again. The only way to traverse that cliff safely is to walk with another in the dark, trusting the other to lead one to safety. That is the reason of love and its dangerous cliff.

I don't want to fall off.

"... No."

"And why would that be?"

"Because... I was hoping to say the same thing back..."

"Wait... what?"

"... I... I uhm... feel like I could get to know you a bit better Yashi... So... you know... I thought...we could uhm... well you know, get to know each other?"

"... Are you usually like this when asking a girl out?"

"Well, you're intimidating!"

"... I don't know if I should take that as a compliment."

"Well.. I haven't exactly met the kind of girl like you. First off, you're smart, and you don't take crap from people..."

"And this somehow is attractive..."

"Uh... yeah... So uhm... Will you give me a chance?"

I would have given him a chance even if he didn't ask for it. Somehow, somewhere along the time line of life, I had become infatuated with him.

"... Yes."

Why does this sound like a cheesy drama?

"Thank God... I thought this wouldn't be natural for the two of us... I mean... with all the communication problems and everything..."

Your point? Does it matter?

"... SarangHaeYo... it means... 'I love you'... right?"

"Right..."

"There, the language barrier's been broken."

"Thank God. I was beginning to think that I would never get my point across. Every time... I wanted to tell you... you were always so depressed... You kept on walking away, swearing not to love..."

"And when did I say this?"

"Your face said it."

"Right. But... I've gotta get to wo---"

Any thing after those words were completely lost to my mind at that moment. Everything was blurred out except him and the sudden kiss he had planted onto my lips.

God, I wanted that moment to last forever. His lips, his gentle breathing, the feel of his heart beat against me. God, I wanted to remember it all at once. He smelled vaguely of floral shampoo and of cologne. Something that I have to admit, I quite enjoyed.

I'd always hated the smell of cologne. It was always too over powering, too much for someone as humble as me to stand. I had never enjoyed the scent of some unknown liquid sprayed onto a man. The perfume had always made me wonder what plant had been extracted to give it that odd, alluring, overpowering, masculine scent. I'd always hate the smell of cologne, but, his was a smell, that I would hold onto forever, and imprint into my memory.

God, how much do I seriously love him at this point?

Or is it all lust?

Whatever it is.

I've fallen off of that cliff of love.

And for once, I don't mind.

Because there's someone at the bottom of it, waiting to catch me when I fall.


	27. Chapter 26

**Chapter 26: Wa Jie (Dissolve)**

_Dedicated to: shadowangel009_

_Thank you for all of your support and have a happy holiday! _

I suppose I should be grateful that I'm finally together with my prince. However, I can't find it within myself to actually accept that there truly is love. There are just so many flaws within myself, and within a relationship such as this one that I cannot bring myself to believe that it is true.

It just has to be a dream.

A very long dream that results with me waking up often in the arms of the most perfect man in the world.

It's early. Three in the morning from what my lovely clock says, I can't sleep. Yunho on the other hand, can sleep through what seems the end of the world. The poor guy, he's always tired from work. I don't blame him though, it's hard to do something like that once one has gone to a rehearsal of theirs. Everything is chaotic, everything is high strung, and everything is exhausting.

I could never live a life like that. I can only admire from afar.

Even in sleep, he seems to be going through some kind of trauma. There's always some sort of talking to self thing going on, or throwing himself about. I suppose no one can be perfect, even in sleep. Though it does add to the enigma factor.

Five minutes after three. God, why can't I sleep? What the hell is gnawing at my mind so much that I've gotta go and stay awake for the rest of the night for? Maybe I should just pretend that I don't have any issues going on. Maybe I should just pretend that this is all a dream. I'm living in an illusion.

This love isn't real, neither am I.

No. That's not right.

Yunho's too real to be something wrong.

[i_When was the last time you were able to write?[/i_

Ah. That's it.

The last time I was able to put a paragraph onto paper, the words had been abducted from me by a mischievous Heechul and then spread about much like a town crier. I have not decided to pick up that story ever since. Maybe I should just rant my heart out.

I haven't seen any of my Cyworld buddies in a long time. I suppose I owe them a sort of update.

[b**January 10****th**** XXXX[/b**

_[iKOREAN: _

_I suppose I owe all the people here a bit of an apology. Not only have I not updated in what seems to be months due to the hectic activity that is my life, but I have also haven't exactly been telling the truth about myself. There is so much in this world that I want to say, and there is only so much that I CAN say on the Internet. So many words I want to tell each and every single one of you, except I can't. I'm afraid, scared of what might happen when people see me for who I am. I can't think of a world where people hate me for who I am. _

_I've always lived this perfect little world. This world where I was sheltered from reality, I had always been protected by so many people. Until reality was finally able to break through those shields, and directly pierce me into the heart. _

_I miss those days of innocence._

_But I can't help but say that I am grateful that my vision is no longer blurred by those people who love me so much to protect me. _

_If love is to protect, then love is to hurt for strength in the future as well. That's the only way to explain it. _

_For the time that I've spent in this country. I have to say, that never in my life have I ever been so happy, never in my life have I ever experience love such as the one that I'm going through now. The emotions, the attachment. It's all real. And I don't want to let that go. _

_That's all I have for an update for now._

_God Bless and happy new year._

_--_

_ENGLISH: _

_I can't sleep. It's about fifteen minutes past three here and I can't sleep. What the hell is wrong with me? I suppose it's writing. It's much like breathing in a sense. One can only survive so long without it before one realizes that it is necessary for life. _

_God damn this love for the immaterial world of pixilated letters. God damn my blood for being so drawn to this fantasy that is forever dancing within my head. _

_What can I do? Just sit back and let it become destructive though? _

_Perhaps. _

_This place could use some life. _

_Whatever. I'll just dedicate some more words to you guys back home. You have no idea how much I miss you. Each day, it feels like my heart's being ripped into shreds and slowly being pieced together by a precious person in my life. It feels like I'm being torn apart by love. Of this world, of the world that I left behind. _

_I don't know anymore. _

_But enough angsting for now and some words of love from yours truly. Sadly, I'm a little late on this, but it's close enough that it still matters. _

_Another Year_

Through careful consideration of words, we can find wisdom  
Through careful choosing of friends, we can find family,  
Through careful reflection of the years that have passed,  
We find the beauty of life.

Each day, let it be a celebration of the life that we lead,  
Each day, let it be a joyous recollection of what we have lived through  
Each day, let it be a new memory to keep within our lives  
We see through that film of sadness that always hides our bright eyes.

Through our thoughts, let it be that you succeed in your dreams  
Through our dreams, let it be that you are blessed   
Through our hopes, let it be that you can find happiness  
We listen for that voice to say 'I Love You'.

Another year has passed,  
But what of it?  
Wisdom?  
Joy?  
Happiness?  
Love?

Answer dear child, and hope, pray,

and answer yourself.

Can we make this world brighter with our smile?

Because within you, you can.

You are that guiding light that can lead the world, to a better place.

To that paradise that you had seen so many years before. 

_---_

_I hope we can find this paradise together, the one we had nurturing for so many years. _

_Together, everyone, let's bring some life back into the world. _

_And see all those people smile. _

_I love you all _

_-- Yashi Mogami [/end[/i_

Great, now what? I'm done ranting, and it's only three thirty; not to mention I'm still not sleepy. The Asian new year's coming up, which means another two weeks off for the lovely group of people I know. Maybe I should go out shopping.

Or maybe. I should write in my diary.

Or... I could just pretend this all didn't happen and write my heart out again.

Whatever. I'm bored.

[I_ "Come now child... feed your curiosity and imagination into something more. We know you can do better than that." [/i_

"Who's there?"

[I_ "Don't you remember us? The voices? The little ones that gave you all that inspiration? The very ones that got you this job? Why don't you do something special for the boys and surprise the hell out them?" [/i_

Oh, that's right. I forgot how vividly real these voices could sound.

So, tell me, what do you want me to do?

[I_ "What do men love the most?" [/i_

Beats me. Why don't you tell me? You guys are the muses.

[I _Well, why don't you just make them some breakfast or something[/i_

And prove to them that I'm really nothing more than a house wife?

[I "_Oh... oops. We forgot how touchy you can get in those situations... Why not go and treat your boyfriend to something nice[/i_

Like what? The only reason he fell for me in the first place was that I was intimidating. Apparently that's attractive now a days.

[I "_To each their own my little darling. [/i_

Whatever you guys say.

[I "_Exactly! We're always right! So you should listen to us!"[/i_

When did you ever become my mother?

[I_ "Ever since you couldn't take care of yourself."[/i_

I can to take care of myself! How dare you think else wise!

[I_ "Oh come now child. You've never been good with people. It's a miracle that you've got that handful of good friends back at home. We're surprised that you could even make it on your own for such a long time before you got attached to those three."[/i_

Three?

[I "_Oh posh, you know who we're talking about, the hero, the brother and the lover. Come now, it's obvious that you think highly of them.[/i_

And what if I do?

[I "_Especially the lover in the bed right there... I believe he's muttering something about a love song?"[/i_

He's a singer. What do you expect? He sings love songs all the time.

[I "_Oh you silly little girl. He cares about you! Why can't you trust yourself to fall for him already? You did it once, and quit frankly, I don't see how you can't do it again."[/i_

They began to take shape before me, a small group of people, some fantastically elegant and not of this time period, others, this world has never seen, and still yet others, a group of close friends that have seen me through almost everything. Though, they do not exist.

What do you want me to do?

[I_ "Spend some time with them why don't you? Learn about them. And why don't you just care for them? It's not that hard is it? To just care? Don't you think you've suffered long enough?[/i_

I don't know.

[I "_Hush now. Go to bed. You're probably tired. Wake up and tell the world how much you love it. Stop being so damned emo on the Internet already. We're all sick of it."[/i_

Right... I'll do that then.

[I _"Good girl..." [/i_

Without too much further ado, the lot of them disappeared. Such an odd group of people I know. It's odd that they even decide to talk to me. But that's beyond my problems. Now that they'd mentioned it. I suppose I am a bit tired.

"... What are you doing out here? Why aren't you asleep?"

"I could ask you the same thing."

"... I needed to pee..."

"Lovely, Yunho... I did not need to know that information."

"But you asked."

"Yes... Yes I did..."

"Come on now... what's wrong that you're up at nearly four in the morning for?"

His embraces are so warm, so sweet, it's hard not to dissolve into them, it's heaven on earth. I wonder how in the world he isn't taken by some other slut off from the streets. Perhaps I'm just too damned blessed to see what's in front of me. Spoiled rotten.

I don't know, but I don't mind melting into his hugs.

"... Come on. You need sleep."

"Sleep is for the weak, Yunho. I don't... nee--- d... it..."

"So says the person who's yawning..."

"Well... I.. uhm..."

"Come on... The bed'll be warmer with me around."

"You pull any fast ones and I'll make sure you'll be sterile for the rest of your life. To the point where your children will be sterile."

"And that comment makes no sense... You're obviously tired. Bed. Now. Don't argue with me."

"... Fine... Fine..."

"Good girl..."

"It's all I ever will be."

At least the bed's still warm from his body heat, and I can dissolve all my fears with him. There's nothing frightening about that.

There's nothing for me to fear.

Except loving him too much to forget.

And let those memories of times past dissolve along with hate.


	28. Chapter 27

**Chapter 27: Broken Vision**

_Dedicated to Fourth Ice: Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for all of your support! Have a happy holiday and warm wishes for the new year._

"GHYAAAH! WHAT THE HELL?!"

"... Still not used to waking up to this are you?"

"Obviously not. Sheesh. Can't you just go to sleep in your OWN bed with your other buddies?!"

"But it's more fun to sleep with you! You're like a giant stuffed animal!"

"... Great. I've officially been degraded to the status of an inanimate object..."

"AH! Wait! I take that back! I take that back! I love you! Come here! Give Yun-Yun a big hug!"

"... And thus... the man of my life has just degraded himself to a name worthy of a kindergarten aged child..."

"Aw... don't be like that! Come on! Cheer up! The new year's almost here..."

"I supp---- AUUUGHH!!! WHAT THE HELL?! SUNGMIN! Next time you decide to jump onto the bed with PEOPLE in it, give the people a WARNING!"

"OKAY! WARNING!"

"AUUUGH! What is up with you guys doing this?!"

"But it's the new year Mommy!"

"... WAIT! Too fast! WHAT?! When did I become a mother?!"

"When Sungmin said so!"

"... Lovely... just lovely..."

"Isn't it? He's an adorable child! I think we'll keep him!"

"... Yunho. He's your age."

"I know! Less hassle for the two of us."

"You're not too great of a father figure are you?"

"Mommy! Mommy! Uncle Hankyung told me that you were good at English! Lookit what Sungmin wrote you! Sungmin needs help with English homework! His professors think that he's dumb!"

"There now... I'm sure you're not. Do you mind if I take a look at the paper?"

"Here it is!"

He handed me a sheet of paper, red dotted every other word it seemed, quite frankly, I had never seen that much red since I had given my term paper for my first few years of college.

"... Dear GOD. What was the prompt?"

"Dreaming, mommy!"

"I see..."

Actually, I didn't. God, It's got so many errors I think I might have to just go and gouge my own eyeballs out. How the hell is it possible for someone to be this horrendous at English?! Even at his level! It's worse than my preschool writing!

I thought I would never see anything like this in my life. Of all the horrible and just disgusting pieces of writing that I had been exposed to. Nothing compares to this...:

" Draming is the feling of floting, the feling of being able to do anything without having to do anything. When you drem you can do watever you want and not care about what hapens and what is bad all it is is just a drem. Wen we drem, we see pichures that mov we see things that we want to do or things that we are afrad of. Wen we drem we're seeinig things that don't exist. Drems are stoopid because they aren't rel. Drems are dum becase if they aren't rel then wy do we ned to see them? It doesn't make anything esier on us in rel life. Dreming fels like faling it also fels lik doing everything and nothing at the sam tim. Dreming is the feling of floting faling drowning until you force yourself up for air. This is what dreming fels lik. When I drem, I drem that I am the king of the world and can eat what I want. I can do whatever I want and it fels good. A dream is weird becas nothing is rel, like when life takes a funy turn: Like an pink elefant walking down the stret or somthing. Ther ar thre menings to dreming. The first is to fel something, the secnd is too have a drem, lik two be a rokstar or somthing. A 3rd mening to it is too wast tim when you shuld be doing something."

"My teacher thinks it stinks."

"... it does."

"What?! Mommy! You're supposed to side with me!"

"Not unless it's a piece of crap like this..."

"But! Mommy!"

"Quit that. I'll help you already, just quit calling your mother. You make me sound old! And I'm younger than you!"

"... Oh... I knew that."

"Right. Sure you did. Have you ever heard of anything called 'spell check' on your word processor?"

"Uhm... No?"

"... I get the feeling that today is going to be a long day..."

"But that's perfectly fine cause you've got me and our little child here to keep you company!"

"... That's the part that makes it a long day... Come on. Get off of me so I can get dressed at least. Both of you. OUT."

The shuffle and scuttle of feet was short lived as both of them scurried away and out of the door. What I wouldn't do for some peace and quiet. Ironic, no? Originally I had wished for company, and now I can't do anything but shun it. Even from the one that I love so much.

_[I knock, knock knock.[/i _

"Everything alright in there? You're taking quite a while to get ready."

"I've been in here for three whole minutes, Yunho!"

[I_ "Isn't he just the complete opposite of that gentleman that you've always dreamed of?"[/i_

Yes, and quite frankly, it's a bit of a refreshing change. I have no idea how to react to this man at all.

[I_ "Well, standing around half naked isn't going to help you too much, unless you're willing to--" [/i_

Shut it or I'll disown you as a muse.

[I _"And Pray tell, how would you do that?[/i_

I won't listen to you.

[I_ "There now... I was only jesting." [/i_

Jest somewhere else without a emotionally unstable human being around. Okay, Now that I'm up, out of bed, and clothed. What more do you want?

[I "_How about a bit more romance in your life? After Raphael left, it got so lonely and depressed, we thought we'd never see the light of day again."[/i_

What? You want me to go and so something about it?

[I_ "Yeah, go be happy for all the people that love you already. Your depressive state's gonna go and run us dry from inspiring you to write anything worth reading." [/i_

If I do, will you shut up?

[I _"If we feel like it, sure why not?"[/i_

Joy.

"Yashi... Hurry up already!"

"Alright, alright! Do I seriously have to tutor you in English?"

"... Yeeeees."

"Joy."

"I know! It'll be fun! Yunho's in the kitchen! He said he'll make mommy and child some cookies!"

"... Don't burn the place down!"

When the hell did it become so close and friendly?

"I won't! I actually know how to cook!"

"That's what HE said..."

"Mommy!!"

"... I told you not to call me that!"

"Alright, fine, party pooper. Can you help me with this paper already?"

"Yeah. Throw it away and start over again with a word processor that knows what it's talking about and not the craptastic one that you're using right now."

"But! I worked so hard on it!"

"Worked hard my butt, you mean you stayed up after your curfew to write this piece of 'craftsmanship' to turn into your teacher. However, while breaking the above said curfew, you went on lots of happy fansites and whatever else you enjoy and spent no more than thirty minutes typing this up."

"... How'd you know?"

"Mothers have eyes everywhere."

"You just admitted that you're the mother of such a fine child!"

"Shut up and go back to whatever it is you're doing over there!"

"... Fine, don't let the father help out!"

"Your English isn't too much better! I've heard you before!"

"Oh and yours is?!"

"... I STUDIED it for a majority of my life, quite frankly, it was a first language. Not to mention, I write for a LIVING. If I'm not better than someone here then I must be one hell of a failure at life."

"... Oh. That explains things."

"I would believe so."

"... So how am I going to fix this? It's so red I can't read some of it."

"I could barely get past the first five words it's so horribly composed. What was the prompt?"

"'Explain what dreaming means to you and why it's important in life.'"

"And you turned in this piece of crap?"

"Uhm... yes?"

"Wanna know a secret?"

"Yes..."

"Get a beta reader."

"A wha?"

"Someone who will read it before you turn it in and make a fool of yourself. Now, since you obviously don't have one, let's just get this thing rewritten."

"Should I go and get my laptop?"

"No. Yours obviously has no spell check on it."

"... Oh..."

"Mine does, use it and retype the whole darn thing."

"Okay... but what are you gonna do now?"

"Make sure your father doesn't cut his finger from his hand."

"AHH OH GOD! MY FINGER!"

"WHAT?! HOLY CRAP... wait... you... LIAR!"

"What? You were asking for it."

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Shut up and let me help already! ... and just a little FYI... you look really bad in a pink apron of all things..."

"It was the only thing that I could find..."

"You know... you don't have to wear one..."

"Then... my clothes would get all dirty!"

"That's what the washing was created for."

"Whatcha gonna make?"

"A Napoleon."

"Napole—whaa?"

"Food, with sugar in it."

"Oh.. Okay... Can the daddy help?"

"No, go back to your other wife in the other room."

"But... We got divorced!"

"Sure... sure you did."

"Whaaa! Why are you being so mean to me?!"

"I don't know... maybe it's cause I'm just like that?"

He pouted, flour dusted his nose and the tips of his bangs. He resembled a gleeful child on Christmas day, happily trying to help out only to fail miserably.

"Well... it's not good for your health."

"And what is? Pretending to be something I'm not?"

"Why do you have to be so defensive about this? You're doing a good job as is aren't you?"

"You know... there are just some things that you just don't need to pry into alright? Now go and help your child in writing his essay. Essays are the most important part in college applications and in resumes, I've seen some people that just throw away the documents when there's even one mistake in them. So yeah, be careful alright?"

"... Daddy... Mommy's scary when it comes to school..."

"Why wouldn't she be? She's only looking out for you."

"Uh huh..."

[i_Roll, roll, roll... POUND, POUND, POUND, POUND_

_DIE you piece of dough... die, I hate dough... I'm going to kill you and then send you to a dough heaven where all the other pastries are living.[/i_

"Shh... Sungmin... mother's venting out her anger at the pastries... we should finish this paper..."

"Okay... Mommy! What kind of quotes should I use? The professor said that we should use them..."

"_'For we are such stuff as dreams are made on  
And our little lives are rounded with a sleep.'"_

"... Once again? What?"

"It's a Shakespeare quote. Do mother some good and read sometime, yes?"

[i_Roll, roll, roll... POUND... POUND... THUD._

_EVIL piece of crap... you ruined my life...and now, I shall ruin yours by filling you with cream and then feeding you to the many mouths of starving MEN. How do you feel about that?! HUH?! HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT YOU PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A PASTRY?! You're no better off than that bitch who left me![/i_

Why... Why am I crying?

Why am I such a pathetic excuse of a person to blame my sorrows on a piece of pastry? Why is it that I can't get over this pain inside? It feels like my vision's been broken, shattered, torn apart and rearranged to the point where I can't find clarity anymore.

I've parted with friends before... many times before, why. Why is it that this hurts so much more? Why is it that this still affects me?

Why can't I see the sun that once shone on my life anymore?

"... Hey... Hey... you're crying again... What's wrong? Is it something I said?"

"No... Nothing's wrong. It's... I just had a small flashback... that's...all..."

"Yashi, if nothing's wrong then I'll be gay."

"I wouldn't be surprised, Yunho... denial is the first step to acceptance."

"Hey. This conversation is about you, not me."

"Fine. If you want this to be about me then tell me what the hell is wrong with me?! What the hell did I do to deserve this?! What the hell did I deserve to go and lose one of the best friends over to some unknown face?! Why does this shit always have to happen to me?! Why is it that the good people keep on getting hurt like this?! Why?! WHY?!"

"... What... brought this on?"

"What... I can't think now can I?"

"No... it's just... sudden... that's all..."

"Yeah, it is. Just a bit... Sorry..."

"Hey... look, like I told you that day I found you... you don't need to keep it all bottled up... we'll be here for you. I'll be your hero..."

"And I'll be your crying shoulder."

"... Thank you."

"We're all friends here in a rough world. If we didn't have each other, where would we be?"

Somehow a normal morning of joy had become a sour note in which I was standing in the middle of the kitchen, bawling my eyes out for no apparent reason and two of the world's top pop stars hugging my pathetic form.

Someone telling I'm not going blind.

Someone tell me that this is the world as it should be seen.

Someone... anyone... fix my broken eyes so I can see the sun again.


	29. Chapter 28

**Chapter 28: Ne He Wo (You and Me) **

[i_Dedicated to – x x KyoxTohru x x -_

_Thank you for all your support throughout the fanfiction, I wish you have a happy new year, seeing as this gift is totally late for the holiday season. _

"Feeling better?"

Note to self. Never mood swing like that again.

"Yeah, for the most part, I think I'm alright for now."

"Can I eat the cake now, Mommy?"

"No."

"You sure you're feeling better?"

"Yes."

"Absolutely positive?"

"YES Yunho. Now can you please shut up and stop hugging me already? I feel like I'm in a sauna..."

"We should visit one..."

"No, no we shouldn't. I have no money."

"But I do!"

"Then go spend it on yourself. Who wants cake?"

"ME! Sungmin does! Pick him! Pick him!"

"Here."

"SUGAR!"

"... Remind me again how the HELL he became our child?"

"I have no idea... but that paper doesn't look like it's going to write itself."

"Not to mention he doesn't look like the kind of guy who'll go and forget that it's important..."

"I'll write it for him."

"You sure about that? Isn't that against the rules?"

"As long as he shuts up, eats his cake and doesn't care. Then it's fine. I'm doing him a favor here. I don't think that there should be any complaints about that."

"... Fine."

"Thanks."

[i_Clatter, clatter, click, click, click._

_Dreaming, the feeling of floating around and of being able to do whatever. The sense of being able to twist reality to the fantasies that forever drift around, forever elusive, forever remain uncaught, until one finally gets the courage to jump high enough and isn't afraid to fall. This is the sense of dreaming[/i_

Damn, I feel like I'm writing in a timed writing for that damned AP Literature test back in High school. Five hours of testing and three essays, I think I died somewhere back there, or at least my soul was eaten away, part of it at least.

[i_I believe everyone is born with a dream, whether or not they believe it, it is up to them. Everyone has a potential to be great, but that potential cannot be captured, nor can it be unlocked without the help of another. It is a dream that only other people can help with. _

_My job is my dream come true. For the longest time I had wished to be a singer, someone great and someone who could change lives with my voice. I cannot express my joy to the world that has given me a chance. Dreams can be the things that people will scoff at, they are the things that people will shun one for, however, they are also the very material things that make everyone envy each other for. [/i_

However, nothing can be done if only one person believes. Nothing ever happens if only one person loves and has a passion.

Damn, I'm emo.

Ah well, this isn't about me, it's about my dear, somehow older than me, son and his poor essay. Come now, pull yourself together and finish writing this thing.

[i_There have been so many times when I wanted to give up on what I wanted. The failure had always made me afraid, however, fear is the root of where dreams lie. Fear is the motivating factor in life, it is the thing that keeps us all moving, without looking back, for if we do, we'll be embarrassed of all the things that we've done wrong, and we can never move forward._

_Many times have I despaired on this thought, to look back. However, I've learned that with the support of my friends, the nightmarish figure that looms behind me, is only an illusion, and the reality, the one formed by a tiny voice in the back of my head, that is what is real. This is the reason why I dream, this is why it is important to me. _

_It is my very reality. _

_Click, click, click... print.[/i_

"All finished!"

"Already?"

"Eh, it's just a small drabble, go get it when it's done."

"Where'd you print it to?"

"Were ever the nearest printer is... which is probably in your room somewhere... good old wireless can do some crazy stuff."

"Okay! Thanks for the cake! I'm going down to my school right now to turn it in!"

"Have fun!"

Sigh.

"Well, aren't you a bottle of sunshine today?"

"Shut it Yunho and finish your cake."

"What if I don't want to?"

"Then I'll smack you."

"Why are you so bitter? You seemed to be doing so much better the other day."

"Please, I'm not bitter, I just feel sarcastic."

"Same thing." 

"Right, whatever..."

"... Come on. Let's go out."

"Wait... where?"

"On a date of course! You've been locked up here and I still haven't done anything to denote that I'm actually your boyfriend."

"And so, you're willing to go and waste precious minutes of your life so that I can have some temporary happiness in my life?"

"Hmm... No."

"Exactly my point."

"They're not precious minutes of my life... they're precious moments in my life that I want to share with a specific emotionally unstable girl who just doesn't seem to get it at times."

"Thanks. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment."

"Whatever happened to accepting everything as a compliment?"

"It disappeared."

"... Whatever. Come on."

I hadn't realized until now how warm and comforting just being with him could be. Just the very gesture of him holding out his hand, just the very fact of being able to talk to him, it was enough for me. There was no need for us to go out, just the aspect of being able to see him is enough.

His hand is so warm, large, engulfing and calloused. A surprise to me I must say. I had always thought that he would have hands softer than rose petals. But I suppose I'm wrong. Then again, I was wrong to assume that the people I work for are completely just in it for the money. I'm sure some of them are, but these guys, I can see the passion in them, the thing that keeps them going.

"Hey... are you coming or are you just going to stare at my hand?"

"Ah... Yeah... lemme get my jacket..."

"And while you're at it, leave you angst behind will you?"

"Do I have to?"

"Yes, now come on!"

"Alright! Alright! Chill! I'm coming!"

It's odd how I once looked towards the artificial words of friends online for support when I could have just simply asked them, the people around me. It's odd that I had thought that I had friends with me back home when there were people right here, waiting for me.

I once asked myself, why it is that I could never seem to be happy. And now, I finally realize why. I was blind to the world around me, and until now, there had been no cure. Just like the pain in my heart every time I think this isn't true. I asked myself once why I wasn't happy, and now I know why.

I just couldn't see what happiness was.

"Yunho... what the heck are you wearing?"

"I'm a super star right?"

"Right."

"Now, while on a date, I would like it so that you won't be attacked by rabid fangirls, and the same goes for me. Thus, I must go incognito."

"But is it necessary for you to put on a trench coat, a wide brimmed hat and sunglasses like that? You look like some kind of detective out of a murder mystery."

"Well, they'll just think you're walking around with a weirdo! No harm done!"

"Thank you for your confidence."

"So, let's go!"

It's amazing what Korea looks like with another person. How that just with another being standing next to someone, it's just amazing how beautiful the world could be when seen with another person. I suppose that's why I'm so bitter, I didn't really have anyone I could talk to with, until now.

Just him and me, together, seeing the world through a light brighter than what only one of us could put out.

I wish this could last forever. Just the two of us.

"Hey, hey! Look! You'd look cute in that!"

"... Uh, you're kidding right?"

"No! Black shiny leather, corset, fishnets... you'd make the perfect dominatrix with your attitu---"

[i_SMACK[/i_

"You keep telling yourself that... jerk..."

"I was only kidding!"

"Right."

"Oh come on! Don't be like that!"

"Be like what?"

"A closed minded bigot."

"Who ever said I was one?!"

"Me, myself and I."

"You're full of yourself aren't you?"

"Yes, I am. And I know for sure... that you're happy with that..."

"Of course, even your faults are your strengths. I don't see how a freak like you could live like that."

"You're so cold!"

"No I'm not!"

"Yes you are! Look at you! You're shivering!"

"It's snowing! What do you expect?!"

"Come here, my coat's big enough for you to fit in here."

"Are you calling me small?!"

"No, I'm only trying to help you warm up."

It's moments like these where I wonder if I'm dreaming. It's moments like these when I wonder if this is all some sort of sick joke that's being played on me by some evil person. But it's also moments like these when I want it all to last forever. For his warm body to never let go, for his strong embrace to be there until death. It's moments like these where I want to engrave him into my memory so that if we ever part, I'll at least remember that beautiful face, that low voice, the comforting hugs. Everything, I want to remember everything about him. Never mind the cold metal bench that was freezing our bums off, never mind the odd stares that people were giving him, never mind any of it, I'm here, with him, and that's all that matters.

"Wow... it's snowing pretty hard..."

"Yeah... but it's pretty at least, I haven't seen snow for so long..."

"Why?"

"Where I live, it's further down south, so we don't get snow in the winter..."

"So, let me ask you this while you're snuggling against me... you've never kissed a guy in the snow before?"

Dammit, what is up with him and finding the right words to say? Then again, the same thing happened when I used to go out with Raphael, I suppose it's just one of those things for falling in love with people who can talk to the public.

Also, God damn the fact that gravity likes to work against me. Especially when it comes to blushing.

"Well? Have you?"

"... No."

"Want me to be the first one to do so then?"

I don't think he would have taken no for an answer anyways. But I don't think I could have refused such an offer. If I could melt, I think I would have. His scent, his breath, his lips, his very being, it's all so perfect. So perfect that it's almost painful.

"Yashi... right now, I know that love can't last forever, but, I just want to tell you this, it feels like it... As much as you want to argue to me about this, I don't want you to go back to America when this year is over... in this world filled with fans... there's only you and me..."

Only 'you and me', I wonder if I could live under these conditions, as much as I love him, I don't think I could ever live up to it. As much as I want to, I'm a foreigner. But for now, I just want to say yes... I just want this love to last.

I just want it to be 'you and me' for now.


	30. Chapter 29

**Chapter 29: Untitled**

_Dedicated to Mimi... cause without her Momo fits, I would have never gotten this far._

New years, the time in our lives where we can celebrate another 365 of not blowing each other up. Or in Asian's case, twelve moons of not doing the above said activity.

[i_In youth when I did love, did love,_

_I thought it was very sweet[/i_

It's not exactly the happiest of all thoughts, but with the way that life is right now, I'm surprised that we're all still alive at this rate, however, that's beside the point. The fact that I really have no idea what's going on slightly disturbs me. Somehow, I had been dragged along to one of the recording sessions that the boys had to suddenly go to, and quite frankly, I find it very awkward.

I shouldn't be here. I have no right to. Quite frankly, I think there had been times better spent than the one in the studio. The fangirls would flip if they found out. The fact that I swear that the term 'rabid fangirl' can be taken literally does not help my situation too much at this point.

[i_To contract the time for my behove_

_I thought there was nothing wrong[/i_

The sound of voices, the beat of music, everything is so well timed, so perfectly in tune that it's amazing that a brilliant mind could come up with anything like this. Lyrics, I can understand those, but composing is such a wonderful art. It's something that only those with a touch, a special something within them to hear, to [i_see[/i_ music to be able to compose. The lyrics of the song issuing forth from them are so wonderfully written, a poem to a beat, a work that can be seen almost. It's so hard to explain, and yet it's so clear to me.

[i_But age with his stealing steps,_

_Hath clawed me in his clutch,[/i_

I want to be like that, I want to be able to paint in people's minds the beauty that I see in this world, I want to be the person, I want to somehow show people the beauty in the words that I write. However, at some point in my life, I had lost sight of that and become another puppet in which was played with and then thrown away. It's hard to move on, I should know, it's so hard to move on from that friendship that I held so dear to me.

"... It's all your fault, Leigh."

It is. It's all her fault that I'm here, it's all her fault that I can't be where I want to be, for all the love in this world, it's all her fault that I'm so damned bitter about everyone around me. It's hard, I had dedicated so much of my life to become like her... I lost sight of myself and what I wanted to do most of all.

Write of that world so beautiful to me. That world filled with knights errant, with princesses who were in situations worse than mine. I lost sight of it and instead wrote only one novel before I committed myself to the mundane drabbles of the world around me with Leigh. I wish, I wish so much that I could go back to that fantasy, just like how these men can just so easily slip into their own world that they love so much.

[i_A pickax and a spade, a spade,_

_For and a shrouding sheet,_

_O, A pit of clay for to be made_

_For such a guest is meet[/i_

Hold on a second, I know these lyrics. Where... where have I heard such dismal lyrics? Why is it that I can't figure it out?

"Okay, that's all for today! Great job guys!"

It's all over already?

"Hey, Yashi! Let's go!"

His simple being's so precious to me, it's sad that I can't do anything but to obey whatever he says. His charisma, his charm, his absolute perfection, it's almost sickening how sweet it is, but, he's like a drug, something I can't get rid of no matter how much I want to. It's a sickening thing, just to watch myself swoon over such a guy. It's sickening to just watch myself so vulnerable to any sort of attack.

"Hey, is everything alright? You're awfully quiet."

"Yeah, everything's fine... but I wonder... where did you get inspiration to those lyrics of yours?"

The expression on his face was just absolutely priceless, a look of absolute surprise from a young man whom I knew to be so composed. His face quickly turned from surprise to that of shame, a brilliant stained his cheeks as one could tell that he was searching for words.

"Uhm... Well... I kinda... stumbled across them in a book."

"... Let me guess, Hamlet."

"Wait! How do you know?! That's supposed to be under wraps completely! There's no way you should be able to know that!"

"... Jaejoong, there are two things that you should know about that, one, I gave him that book there since I thought he could use it to benefit the group, and second, if you've seen my own copy of Hamlet, you'd be surprised at what you can read and what you can't through notes on the margins. The number of times I've read that play is insurmountable to the number of times that you've read those lyrics."

"Sheesh, someone's learned vocabulary over the months living here."

"Naturally, Changmin, I have to keep up with the lot of you guys, It's only normal that I have to learn everyday conversational words to make sure that I can be understood. The only issue that I have is that it's not a Romance Language so I can't rely on what I've learned before to help me. ..."

"Are you implying that our language is less romantic than English?!" The pretty boy's exclamation came out almost as a challenge, I couldn't help but laugh. As brilliant as his musical mind was, as the top most beautiful man in Korea, he sure wasn't exactly the sharpest tool in the shed.

"The term, 'Romantic Language', Jaejoong, comes from the root 'roman' not 'romantic' as the way you see it. It just means that the language has roots from Latin, not whether or not the world judges the manner of speaking more eloquent than others."

At that definition there was a slightly awkward silence before Jaejoong's undeniably beautiful face was stained a bright crimson. Who knew embarrassment could do so much?

"Anyways..." He quickly said, loosening the collar to his jacket, attempting to get rid of the awkwardly tense air around the whole lot of us. "Back to what I was saying, how the hell do you know where we got the lyrics from? Even if you HAVE read that book..."

This man, was... quibbling with me?!

"Jaejoong, I've studied Hamlet since my Senior Year of High school, I'm pretty sure what some of the verses are. Quite frankly, if you wanted to, I could probably give you some monologues while I'm at it, but since I'm not that mean of a person and don't want to bore you with my acting skills, I'll be getting off here now and submitting the designs for your next concert. Thank you."

[i_Chack, click, bang[/i_

God, that was only slightly awkward. Not to mention slightly nearing on the side of borderline psychotic.

"Mr. Lee, here are the designs for the next concert, the cost estimate and cloth needs are outlined in the document here."

"Thank you Miss. Mogami. Please, take a seat, there's something I'd like to talk to you about."

The way that he had said 'talk to you about' made me wonder if this was going to be a good thing or not. The fact that he was staring straight at me disturbed me even more. "Sir, is there anything wrong with what I've been doing at all?"

"No, no, nothing wrong, quite frankly, it's because of you that our publicity's grown, people absolutely love these elaborately decorated costume-outfits that you're coming up with. I'd like to offer you a permanent job here."

Silence.

The sound of the clock ticking in the next room through the open door was the only thing that permeated such an awkward moment. Here, I could be with the person that I cared so much about, here I would be able to not worry about money, I wouldn't have to worry about anything except how to be happy. I don't have to worry about any of the painful memories of the past, I don't have to worry about anything but the fact that I'd be betraying those so close to my heart.

And yet, one of those people took a stab at that heart that I had left so vulnerable for the world, one of those people I loved so dearly took my love away. And yet, there are others still, patiently waiting back at home for me. The people who I promised to go back to, the people who I still haven't properly said good-bye to.

And yet, with this full time job, I would never have to worry about my living conditions. However, without this full time job, I could work my ass off with my first love.

What the Hell should I do?

"... I'll give you some time to think about it. Come back to me when you've got the answer."

"Yes sir."

And here lies the dilemma. Live a happy life with Yunho or live a happy life with my passion? Live happily ever after... or live happily with misery?

"Hey! Quit slouching! You're an important person after all!"

"Ah! Hankyung! What are you doing here?"

"Well... I work here right? So, why shouldn't I be here?"

"W-w-well... I just thought that you'd be with the others and everything..."

"Well, I'm not... I can't exactly travel everywhere that they can because of my visa. So yeah... I'm stuck here while the lot of them are off on a talk show somewhere."

"Isn't that a lovely thought?"

"Yeah... So, what's on your mind? It's obvious when you walked out of the president's office that there's something wrong..."

How could I tell him my predicament? How could I burden him even more when he already has things on his mind?

"... Nothing's wrong Hankyung, it's just..."

Just that I have no idea what to do once my year here is over. I have no idea what the hell I want in my life, no idea where I'm going, what I really want to do, and whether or not to stay with the man of my dreams.

"Are you sick? Hungry? ... How about we talk about this over coffee..."

"Didn't I just say that it's nothing?"

"Yeah, but I'm not convinced. Let's go."

And with that, I find myself sitting in the cafe downstairs, nursing a cup of hot chocolate and staring out at the falling snow while my 'older brother' wheedled everything that had just happened from me. I couldn't bring myself to look at him in the eye. It was just too hard to think over the facts and all the things I would be leaving behind.

"And there you have it, that's my story."

"What are you going to do about it?"

"I..."

A pause as people walk by and more contemplation happened.

It was when a man outside had been sprayed with flying dirty slush from a car it was through his garbled cursing that I realized something:

No matter how much I try, I will never belong.

As wonderful and as beautiful this country had become, as close as I had become to these people. It's too late for me to do anything but to serve them with my talents as a seamstress and an artist. None of them believe in anything that singular talent. They know nothing about me, just the simple things, just the things that I've written out, there's nothing there. Nothing at all, just an empty attraction to talent, and possibly to looks. It's an untitled chapter of my life filled with twelve months worth of angst, depression, homesickness and attraction to a man that could change my life.

"I... I'm going to go back to the States once this is done..."

"...You going to tell Yunho?"

"Eventually... everyone else will find out eventually as well I suppose."

"Why?"

"I have no more reason to stay here after the year is done. As much as I adore and respect all of you guys, there's just so much that I left behind, so much that I didn't complete..."

"I see...But what about Yunho?"

"He'll move on... and so will I."

And yet, even as I said those words, even as all these words sounded so confident, so perfectly reasonable, something in my chest ached for me to say otherwise. Something told me to stay here and find that happiness that I had been pursuing for so long. Something inside of me, that one little part where my heart used to be.

Damn, and here I thought I had told myself not to do this again.

Why did I have to fall for another really good guy?

Why do I have to go and kill another soul?

Why?


	31. Chapter 30

**Chapter 30: Wo Men De Ge (Our song)**

A/N: Sorry for the long wait, College decided to go and take over my life. But now I'm back! And hopefully, here until the series ends.

_Dedicated to Icelemontea. Thank you for your support. I have no words to describe my gratitude. _

It seems like forever since anything bad has happened in my life. Everything just seemed to be perfectly at a content level. There was no news of any one of my other friends randomly breaking off and going their own way. Yet, for some odd reason, I just haven't been feeling as great as I should.

[i_'When life gets to be too much... don't forget to breath...'[/i_

Breathing. Why haven't I thought of that? Of course, with all the shit that's been going on, I haven't had [i_breathed[/i_ in weeks at least. What reality have I been living in? The kind that's filled with stress and the horrors of life that just seem to overwhelm and take me away. I'm fighting against the flow here, and it's a losing battle that I'm tired of fighting in. I just want to take in a deep breath and let it all go, just to enjoy the life that I have, even just for a little bit.

[i_Stitch, stitch, stitch, stitch, stitch... Snip... stitch, stitch... [/i_

Such is a day in the life of a once writer. I once told myself that writing is much like breathing for me, that I could only go so long without it before I found I needed it for life. It's sad that I haven't been able to keep that part of my life alive for so long. It's sad to think, if my writing was to be likened to breathing, that I would be long dead.

Maybe I am dead, that would explain why I'm just so tired all the time. Or maybe I just need to be rejuvenated by my muses and sit down to have tea with them for a while. The thought of having to move back to Korea hasn't surfaced up in a while until now, in the middle of work where no one's around and off at lunch. Lunch, pah, who cares about food in the middle of the day?

I want to go home, I really to, there's this part of me that still screams hatred at the people who had decided that it's the perfect opportunity to go and pluck a foreign girl and 'save' her through torture. Hm, lovely thought indeed. However, at the same time, without the credit where it's due, I wouldn't be as 'cheery' as I am now with my absolutely sugar coated with purity it would be a shame to spoil it by taking away something that made him so sweet.

And once again. I'm making no sense.

[i_Breath dammit. The moment you get out of this Hell job, you're going to your apartment, locking yourself away and bashing out the first thing that comes to mind whether it be some random script to that story that's been forming since yesterday's coffee shop incident where you were hit on some fourty year old fart.[/i_

Sounds good. I think I'll try that.

[i_Knock, knock... knock?[/i_

"It's open."

"Oh, you're still here. Good."

"What's wrong? You look like you're being haunted by the ghost of your father who was murdered by your uncle who then married your mother..."

"Not that extreme, but close enough."

"Oh... so you've got the hots for your mother and wish to kill your father?"

"Where do you get such crazy ideas?"

"From my brain. It decides whether or not I should come along with you or just go home after this shift which is over... now."

"You're coming with me. No questions asked. I'm not letting you shut yourself away from society for the next twenty-four hours."

"And so I'll be running around the city trying to dodge fangirls?"

"Eh... if you want to do that then let's go! Come on!"

Too bad for me... looks like I won't be able to do any more of that lovely breathing for a while. Thank you, older boy for ruining my every chance to have a relaxing evening.

"Yunho! Hey! Where are you taking me?!"

I suppose this was what our 'dates' were like, Yunho dragging me around wherever he wished whenever he had the time to. It's so odd, I never would have originally thought that this would be a way to have 'fun' just simply running around hectically, avoiding every fangirl on the face of the country, but at the same time, it's the only way we could do anything at all. I wonder why he finds it necessary that he drags me from place to place, he just simply has to be there, there's no need for us to go anywhere.

"... I've got a surprise."

"Shouldn't I close my eyes then?"

"Nope, you won't need to see it. We're here."

"Your room? What do you want me to do? Clean up after you?"

"Wrong room! Why are you standing there! Come here!"

"Wait... is that a stuffed deer on your bed?" 

"No! That's Changmin's!"

"... If you say so..."

"Here! Here! Come in here!"

"Yunho... if you're leading me into some sort of trap infested dirty room, I'm going to have to smack you a couple of times... is this a recording studio?! In your apartment?!"

"Yeah... the company gave it to us... have a seat."

"... So... is this your surprise? Rubbing into my face that you've got a better apartment?"

"No... this is..."

"... a piano?"

"Will you ever stop being sarcastic?"

"Probably not."

"Well anyways... For our next album the company's asked for us to write our own songs for the fans... and well.. I'm really bad at composing... I was hoping to show this to you when I was done, but uhm... I just can't think of a way for this to flow correctly."

"And so you're going to ask someone who has no experience with music what so ever?"

"I never said anything like that. I just wanted to show it to you and maybe... we could work on it together... just you and me. You know... it'll be our song. Our gift to everyone out there."

"I suppose you're not going to give me a choice in this?"

"No... I'm out of ideas and two idiots are better than one."

"Wow... you just admitted that you're an idiot. There IS hope for this world."

"... Shut up and listen won't you?"

I think I still have issues with learning how to just shut up and take his word as it is. Songs aren't the things that come to me naturally, but they do to him. I should take that lesson to heart and just let it go, listen to the art that comes from his hands and not worry about what art I need to produce for the next few months.

Why have I disregarded this beauty for so long? Why is it that I've shunned listening to their songs for so long? Why do I want to cry right now at the utter beauty of all of this? If I could liken anything to the creation of music, it would be like trying to describe what a god looks like without having done any research. A gorgeous being that is so grand and so wonderful and yet so intangible that the moment just should last for as long as it can. And yet... this song ends as quickly as it begins.

[I_ Plink... plink.. plunk... GLUNK[/i_

"... It was going so well... why'd you stop?"

"I'm stuck."

[I_ Plink... plink.. plunk... GLUNK[/i_

The same few notes. They just didn't seem to feel right together. Come now Yashi, you can do this. Just think of it like a story... or something like that. There's got to be something that you can do. Just imagine this like a story. Alright... what is this song trying to say... where does it need editing?

[I_ "Fairy tales like the one that you think you're living in... don't exist." [/i_

There. That's what's wrong. He wants to force that dancing style onto the song when it's screaming sadness.

"... Try this...Wait... crap... I don't want to know how to play piano."

"Well... I can help you. Come here. What's the idea? I'll try to work off of what you give me."

"... Yunho... Have you written lyrics for this yet?"

"No... but I have a general idea... Something that'll make the fangirls squeal."

"And what's that?"

I rested my elbows on the edge of the piano, interested in hearing this fantastical idea that he had with a tune such as this one. It was so intriguing to watch such a different style of art in work, but in the end, there's emotion in it all, and no matter who one is, no matter how much one could hate it, or love it, it's felt. But not this one... it feels like he's trying to force himself to make something that's greater than what all the others are creating.

"This song's going to be a dance song I want it to be fast, popping, and something that everyone can dance to, since that' just my style. But the meaning's going to be sad. It'll be about a love that wasn't allowed."

"... That can be put in several different contexts. How is it not allowed?"

"Hmm... Uhm... I don't know..."

"Why is the song fast and pop-danced paced when it's so sad?"

"Uhm... uhm... I don't know... This is where I'm stuck."

"You're not letting it flow through you, Yunho. You're just constantly stuck in that box of being the best dancer of your group. If you let that go, it'll be a lot better. You see, you're just forcing yourself onto the song, not letting the song flow like it should. As Houston Smith once said: 'Genuine creation, as every artist knows, comes when the more abundant resources of the subliminal self are somehow tapped. But for this to happen a certain dissociation from the surface self is needed. The conscious mind must relax, stop standing in its own light, let go. Only so is it possible to break through the law of reversed effort in which the more we try the more our efforts boomerang.'"

"... Can you say that one more time with half the syllables? Geeze girl, what have you been reading lately? What a vocabulary..."

"The English to Korean dictionary that I was provided when I was hired."

"Are you sick?"

"No. I just needed the vocabulary for that speech. I've been itching to give it to someone."

"And I had to be the Guinea pig?"

"Why not? Would you rather be a lab rat?"

"... Whatever. Maybe I have been trying too hard to make this fast... maybe if I slow this down a bit..."

"That's good."

"You want to write the lyrics for this?"

"I'd love to."

You know, that's the first time I think I've ever eagerly jumped on anything that given to me. It's sad, but it's true. This song might just be something that could work out for the two of us. He gets his publicity and I get my breathing room. Sounds good to me.

Ah... he's playing again.

Much better, it sings with that melancholy he wants to convey so much now. It flows like a leaf down a bubbling river. But the idea for the song... no, this isn't a song about that love that isn't allowed like he planned, no... it's something deeper than that. Looks like I'll be staying in Korea for some time after my internship if this keeps going on.

And whatever that deeper meaning is to this song, it looks like I'm going to have to find it.

[I_ "Fairy tales like the one you want to write so badly... will never exist... not for a person like you..."[/i_

Maybe... that's it...

[I _Knock, knock, knock...[/i_

"Yashi... are you in here?"

"Yeah... Hankyung, what are you doing here?"

"Thank God. There's someone calling for you... I think. I think she punched in the numbers wrong and got our apartment but she keeps on babbling in English and asking for you."

Weird. I don't think I gave anyone my number unless they called the company first.

"Okay... Give me the phone..."

Some part of me wanted to think that this was all just a prank call and that everything was alright back at home. But some other part in me, the one that trusted all of them back home told me that it was much more than that, there was something seriously wrong to the point of them tracking down my number through stalking.

"Hello?"

"YASHI?! Are is that you?!"

"... Juliet? Yeah, it's me, what's wrong?"

"Yashi! You have to come back! Right now! Just get here! Now!"

"Juliet! Calm down! What's wrong? Just start from the beginning. Why do I have to go back? Did something happen? Juliet... what's going on? Please tell me this is a joke."

I was getting odd looks at the rapid speed of English that was spewing from my mouth at this point. It sounded like there were people crying in the background, someone was shouting and there was an even more ominous sound. A quiet sound that overrode the crying of one of my closest friends that I had known since second grade, the quiet sound of a mechanical beep.

"Yashi... I don't care where you are, what you're doing, or who you're with. You have to get back here... Nana... Nana's dying."

I don't know what happened first. The sound of her crying, the shock hitting my body all at once, or the dead silence that followed from the room.

"Yashi... Hey... is everything alright?"

"... I have to go."

The last thing I remember before life was a blur was the phone dropping from my hand, a sound in the background, probably Yunho or Hankyung running to save the dropped phone and then, the sound of my own footsteps and heartbeat as I raced against time to see the person that had been there for me through everything. The only thing that was going through my head at that moment wasn't the pile of cloth back at the studio, not the idea of telling the president of the company where I was going. No. It was a simple thought and it was this:

[i"_Run." [/i_


	32. Chapter 31

**Chapter 31: Tian Tian De (Sweetly)**

_Dedicated to iGiggidy, without your support I wouldn't have gotten this far. Here's the chapter you've been asking about so much. I'm sorry it's not as good as it should be. _

_[iRun... keep running, don't look back. Don't look back at the world you've started to build. Go back to the one that's the reason why you live. Go back.[/i_

"I need the next plane ticket to Connecticut... Now..."

The woman at the counter seemed to look at me as if I were crazy, though at the same time I think she felt my desperation. "... Alright. I'll see what we can do... I think we've got an open seat at this one..."

At this point, I didn't care how much it would take or what I would do in order to see her. She was dying and here I was standing at an airport idly waiting for a ticket. Seconds seemed to drag their nails deeply into my flesh. It was still cold and I had run out in nothing but what I was wearing. That didn't matter though, quite frankly, I don't even think it was the cold that caused me to shiver. No, it was the fear of knowing that my best friend in the world could be dead the next moment and I wouldn't be there to say the last farewell.

"The next flight is in about ten minutes. Is there any packages that you'll be taking with you?"

"Just myself."

"Alright. How would you like to pay?"

"Charge it please."

Thank the heavenly powers above I've been saving money for something like this.

"Alright here's your ticket and your boarding gate is at Z-16. Have a nice...day?"

I don't think I've ever been so panicked to get onto a plane before. Faces were a mass of blurred together flesh. Everyone looked alike at that point, just another person who didn't matter if I had bumped into or not. It was a scary thought, how I could just simply brush aside these people but at the same time, remain fixated on one person.

[I_ "Hey! Hey! Yashi! What do you want to do when you grow up?"_

"_Me? I want to write. What else?"_

"_Why? What's so great about putting a few words onto a piece of paper? Don't you want to be an actor? Or what about an artist?"  
_

"_Nana... that's for you to do. I'm not that kind of person. You've got the charisma, the attitude to deal with people. Not me... I'm meant to just happily live in my room here with a computer so that I can write out whatever I want... I'm not cut out to be a person like you. I'm cut out to be your best friend." _

"_Promise me this ... When we get famous... we'll still be best friends? No matter what happens?"_

"_Of course." [/i_

"Welcome to flight number 8975, we will be leaving for Connecticut in about ten minutes. Thank you for flying with us and we will be departing shortly."

Never in my life have I hated to wait so much. Never in my whole life had I wanted to have it just get over with. It was a frightening feeling, the feeling of being dragged away from someone so precious in one's life, I had felt it once before. Once, so long ago when my grandfather had died. The mentor in my life passed away and I was there, holding him, praying with all my heart that he would live, just another hour, or another day, just so that I wouldn't have to suffer.

But he was gone before I knew it. His hand limp in my own. It was such a painful feeling. I can't imagine what it would be like without even saying goodbye. Nana... please, hang in there. We've been through so much together, this can't end like this.

[I_ "Hi! What's your name? Where did you come from?" _

"_M-my name's Nana. We... we came from California..."_

"_All the way out there?! Wow! What's it like there? Is it really big? Nanny said that it was a big state... so everything over there must be REALLY big! I'm Yashi! Nice to meet you! I live next door! How about we go play at my house. It's awfully lonely whenever Nanny takes her naps. Can we be friends? Nanny said I should make some so I don't bother her so much..." [/i_

"Please leave your seat belts on until the light is turned off. Once again, we thank you for flying with us today and we are ready for take off."

Funny how the thought of death can heighten the sense to the point of near hallucination. It's odd how the mere brush against the thing that is so eminent can make us all panic and race against the time that ticks so fast during moments such as these.

It's during these times, when I just wonder whether or not it was within my best interests to become so close and attached to so many people. I wonder if it was good for someone as frail as I am. I wonder, if it's all worth the memories in the end.

Perhaps it is.

Perhaps it isn't.

Perhaps, all I need is some sleep. Something tells me that I have a long day the moment I step from this plane.

"We thank you for flying with us on Korean Airlines. Please be careful of the steps and have a nice day."

God, where am I? Am I really back home? The place that I had been pondering about for so long? And why was I such the idiot to forget everything that I owned back at the apartment? Well, it's a good thing I live at about an hour and a half worth of walking distance from this place.

"Yashi? Yashi! OYE! IDIOT! HERE!"

"Juliet! Thank God. How'd you know that I was gonna be here?"

"Considering how long I've known you, it'd be sad if I DIDN'T know. Seesh, I thought that phone would have been a goner if those two guys didn't tell me that you had randomly dashed off. Totally had to camp out here for about a day waiting for you."

"Juliet... What's going on with Nana?"

"... she's in the hospital right now... do you want to go see her?"

"Do I need to answer that?"

"... No. Come on."

And once again, everything was just a simple blur with one thing in mind[i_Run... run as fast as you can. You'll never get to her in time... just keep running. I'd like to see how you do[/i_

"Miss! You can't go in there! Visiting hours are over!"

"Oh, and this is how you treat someone who's dead and dying?! You go over and you go and tell her that she can't see her friends when they traveled over the ocean the moment they heard?!"

"Miss! You're causing a ruckus! We'll kick you out if you keep this out."

"... I'll cause all the ruckus I want. Just let me see my friend God damn it."

Somewhere, far away it seemed, I heard someone call me. A weaker, raspier, no doubt more drained version of the voice that I would have associated with the best friend in the whole world to me.

"Y-Yashi?"

"See? She's calling me. Thus, she's obviously awake. Thus, I can go see her. Thank you. If you've got an issue, you can tell that to me if she makes it through."

"Miss!"

"Shh... just let her go. The patient's been asking for her for a while now. Just leave her be alright?"

Thank you faceless doctor superior.

"Nana... hey... Sorry I couldn't have come here sooner."

"Ha ha. Considering you were in Korea when I got admitted into here, it's quite a feat to have gotten here as fast as you did."

"Well... in Korea, we're a day ahead... so I guess living in the future kind of helps."

"Hey... can you close the door for me? There's something I need to tell you in private."

"Sure. Anything for you."

[I_ click[/i_

Sweetly, she smiled at her bed. The same sad smile whenever she had something to tell me. The same smile that she sweetly gave to all the men that wanted her for something else other than herself. It was the same sweet smile that I had grown so accustomed to crying to whenever my days as a writer were glum.

"Pull up a chair. This might take a while."

"Nana, for you, I have all the time in the world. My internship and money can wait. Right now is that we get you better alright?"

"That's the thing, Yashi. I'm not going to get any better."

"... What are you talking about?"

"Meningitis has no cure... I don't have too much time to live."

"No... No. T-that's not right. There's got to be something we can do!"

"Shh... Yashi, you're overreacting again. Just calm down. Look, we all have our time right? Mine just happens to be now."

No. No, not this, not now. Just when everything seemed so right.

"It's not now... we promised remember? We promised that we'd live and die together."

"Yashi, you're still the young... innocent girl that I know... The only thing I regret is that I won't be able to see you with the man that you love. You know... the one... that's there for you. That one... that you've been dreaming of for so long. I just regret I haven't gotten to meet him yet."

"Nana, you're talking nonsense. You will get to see him! You'll get to see the rest of the world too! Just ... hold on a little longer, you'll get better. I know it."

She laughed. It was so weak in comparison to what I was used to. A sound that was foreign to my ears. How long... how long did she have to suffer from this before we knew? What was it that caused such a good person to go away like this?

Why do we treasure such lives when there are billions of other people out there?

"... Yashi... I don't have too much time. I can feel it. The doctors can't help it if I'm just whittling away like this. You have to know that."

"I... I don't want you to go. You've been there for me since the beginning of time. I can't let you go now. Not with all the things that we've been through."

"And I'm sorry I can't be there for you after this ordeal. As much as I don't want to admit it, I'm just not going to make it past this."

"Don't leave me. Just don't leave me. I can't have another person leave me all of a sudden."

"Shh... it's funny. You're so much older than me."

"Three years is nothing."

"So you say. You're so much older... so much wiser, so much more caring. It's funny how I see you as a younger sister at times like these though."

"... It's because you can deal with people, unlike me."

Another laugh. The same weak sound that's nothing but a caricature of the one that I've known for so long. I've seen so much, but this. This is something I can't take. Once was enough, don't make me go through this again.

I took her hand softly. It was so cold, so frail, so different from the one that held the brush, it had always been delicate, so involved in details. It's such a sad sight to see something that was so beautiful being degraded into something like the vision before me now. I can't stand it. I just can't stand to see someone that's so worthy of great things go so young.

"You've got your own way of dealing with people. Remember when we first met? Why can't you be like that anymore?"

"People change, Nana, I just happen to change into a bit of a recluse. It's hard to be open to such a malicious world now."

"Then change again. This time for the better."

"I'll try. I can't assure you anything though."

There was a slight shuffling of cloth as Nana attempted to sit into a more comfortable position. She pulled something from underneath the sheets. A small sheet of paper, folded several times and something that she obviously didn't want to be taken away from her.

"I need you to do something for me."

"What is it?"

"During the time that you were gone, I... ah... developed an infatuation with a young chef at my work. And so, uhm... Well... I want you to give this to him. You have to swear not to look at it though. I don't think I can have someone a cynical as you look through and critique it."

"I'm sure it'll be fine. And you can take it to him yourself when you're better."

"No. No I can't... just accept it. I don't have too much time left. And when I'm gone. You make the speech about me. No one else. Alright?"

"But... what about all the others? Won't they be angry?"

"Screw them. They don't know jack shit about me and I don't plan on letting them know. Yashi, I haven't exactly been the nicest person in the world. Nor have I been the one that's always told you the truth. I just want you to know now. I envied you. For everything you had, your determination, your simplistic charisma. Everything. I envied you."

"I could say the same thing to you old friend."

"Old? I'm too young for that."

Coughing. Oh God. No. No. I can't stand this. No.

Death is never like what people have depicted in Hollywood. It was never to be that simple last breath and then the soft sleep. No, it is the ragged last breaths that are asking for air as the body finally breaks down.

"Yashi... [i_hack cough, cough[/i _don't be afraid when I go. Be brave like I how know you can be. And move on..._ [icough, cough, haaaaachhh...[/i _We've been through so much together. And that's all we need to need to move on."

"I don't want you to... I don't... I don't..."

"Shhh... It's alright... you're stronger than this.. I know---- _[ihaaack cough, cough, gasp wheeeze[/i"_

"... Nana? ... No... No... Oh God no. No... this is just a dream... no... no... NO..."

The soft beeping in the background that signified her life finally became one constant sound that resonated louder than her last breath. The sound of the silence that followed after when the doctor shut off the machine was even louder than anything I have ever had to suffer to.

"... Nana Aino. Age twenty-three. Time of death: Seven thirty-four and fourteen seconds. Cause of death: Meningitis."

It was the darkest moment of my life to hear those words.

And yet, I couldn't find it within me to cry.

There was a young man at the door. Someone who seemed to have just braved every sort of traffic accident to see her last moments. He certainly looked as if though he had just blown up a kitchen, purposefully, and got here in spite of whatever blocked him. Perhaps he truly wanted to say something before she left.

Only, it was too late.

"... Are you Rae?"

"Yes. And you are?"

"Who I am doesn't matter right now. Right now is that you take this sheet of paper. You go home, and you read it. Read it with all your heart. And remember the person that had just passed away. Don't cry, rather, cherish the moments that you had with her. And never, ever, forget who she was to you."

"Thanks. You must have thought highly of her to tell me this."

"No, not thought highly, she was my best and only friend."

And she forever will be.

Somewhere... she's smiling sweetly.

But I can't bring myself to believe that.


	33. Chapter 32

**Chapter 32: Ye De Di Qi Zhang (Twilight's Chapter Seven)**

I could remember the young man's face when I left the hospital that night. The image of his shock ridden face as well as the stare that I could have felt burning into my back were things that just wouldn't leave my mind. No doubt he felt it as some sort of duty to speak to her one last time. Too bad it was too late.

The insurmountable task that was left behind by my dear friend disturbed me. It was one of those things in which it was just scary to think about. One of those things where one wonders if it is at all possible in the first place. It makes me wonder, why it had to be me, to deliver all these messages, not her parents, not her other close friends that were no doubt more loyal than I was to her.

And yet, it had to be me.

_[i"Do not pass by my epitaph, traveler._

_But having stopped, listen and learn, then go your way"[/i_

Writing speeches, especially something as dismal as something as this one, has never been my forte. Quite frankly, I would have rather had someone else write it. Someone who wouldn't be so emotionally attached to the person deceased as she.

I can't even think of her name. The very thought of her there, lying, still, never to breath again at such a young age, I can't fathom to even begin the pain that everyone else that had to go through. And yet, I bear the burden of affirming the very fact that she's dead.

I had gone through this once before. Why is it that I have to go through this again? My grandfather was no great man, he was just himself. There was nothing about his that could compare to the one she received. Everything about her was grand, her life, her will, her funeral.

Then again, what would one expect from the head artist of one of the country's top magazines? Then again, what would one expect from the very person who had changed so many lives with art? Then again, what can I, a lone writer and a dear friend, do other than the impossible?

All eyes on me, all faces turned towards me. The only one clad in a color other than black. I could never stand that color. Black. The color of death, the color of the deathly pale, the very color of her coffin and the world that now engulfs her. I can't bear to wear something that dismal. Those days are over. I have nothing now. Nothing, just like the white that I wear and the words that I have to give.

"_There is no boat in Hades, no ferryman Charon,_

_No caretaker Aiakos, no dog Cerberus."_

They're angry. I can tell. It's something reflected in their faces, the way that they stare at me, the white, the innocence that my dearest friend had died in. They stare, and they wonder. They stare and at the same time, they silently fume, wishing it was themselves who were delivering the speech, not some ignorant bitch who could barely make it to the last moments of her life. They want to be the bearer of bad news, the harbingers of this death. They want it all. Not me. They want to be the ones who make the cool, cruel analysis of the great young woman that died too soon. They don't care about the childhood friend, what can she do? Tell about a childhood that no one cares about? Or perhaps, it was all just a ruse against the white that I wear. Perhaps, they're simply angry for me wearing what I wish to in order to mourn the dead and the deceased. They want to take the blow for me.

And yet, I'm the one that's charged with this task.

[I_ "Nana... when I die... will you wear white to my funeral?" _

"_... Well... You're a bit young to say that aren't you?" _

"_One's never too young to talk about death. Just promise me that you'll wear white to mine." _

"_What makes you so sure that you're going to die?"_

"_I'm older than you. That means I've got a shorter life span."_

"_You never know. But how about we get off such a morbid topic." _

"_That sounds good to me. I just wanted to make sure you make the eulogy for me though. I don't think there's anyone else in the world who knows me enough." _

"_Alright, can we move off topic on the condition that we never speak of this again. And that you have to do the same for me. Just in case something wrong happens."_

"_It's a deal." [/i_

And it's a deal that shouldn't be broken. I don't care how many people are watching, how many people are recording this, nor do I care if this makes no sense at all. This is a dear friend murdered due to something that was beyond her control. If I can't do this justice, then so be it. They wouldn't understand anyways.

_[i"All we who are dead below_

_Have become bones and ashes, but nothing else."[/i_

"Miss. Mogami! Miss. Mogami! We're with the World Wide Broadcasting Company! Would you like to explain your attire for this?"

"What is there to explain?"

"Well, isn't it customary to wear black to a funeral? Especially to pay your respects to someone as great as this?"

"It's a promise I don't want to break. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a eulogy to give."

"Of course."

There's contempt there. I can tell. There's a reason why Nana wanted to spite these snakes, and the reason is something that only she'll know. There's an uncanny sort of silence in the air as I walked up onto the podium. Quietly, I could hear a soft murmur in the back from the reporters and the others that had somehow learned of the death. Then again, news travels fast. I could hear soft sobs from close co-workers who were blessed enough to work with someone as amazing as she. Through the silence I could hear the soft click and the bright flash from cameras beyond my peripheral vision. Among the quiet, I could hear the wind whistle, almost playfully among the grieving friends.

There was no family. They had passed away a few years after she had settled down with her business. A blessing I suppose, but none the less a tragedy to those who didn't know well enough. However, that chapter of our lives is in the past. This, is the last chapter of this person's life. But at the same time, as great and was wondrous she was, she was no more human that the rest of us.

Nothing to do now but to give the damned eulogy already. Those people are getting restless.

_[I "I have spoken to you honestly, go on, traveler,_

_Lest even while dead I seem loquacious to you."[/i_

"I am not here to console the ones who are crying, nor am I here to glorify the human that had passed away. Rather, I would like to speak the truth about the woman that we all grew up to love. I'm here to speak of the great world that she had left behind for us. I cannot tell you how much pain we all feel, I cannot tell you how much I miss her already, I cannot, for the love of me, tell you that it will be alright. I can however, tell you that we live in a brighter world with her legacy.

'I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry. And I know you do the same things too, So we're really not that different, me and you.' she had told this to me once. And I had never really understood it until now. To me, she had always been that kind of person who was beyond human, she had always stood a head above everyone else. And to a sense, until the moment of her last breath, she still did. Not until that last moment did I believe that she was human, not until that moment did I regard her as someone who was just like us. And when I did realize this, it was too late.

We all weep now for someone who had made a mountain out of a mole hill. But we cannot forget that in her loss, we have gained so much, an empire and a world that she had died trying to build. We can only continue to live and remember the good times."

There was murmuring in the crowd. They don't want to hear this, I can tell, but what else was I going to say? That there was hope? That there was going to be nothing wrong after this? What else did they want? I can't give them anything other than this eulogy. It was at this point when I realized how useless the words that have been scripted are. It was at that very point in time when I realized how useless being a writer could be. Words are empty promises that are given when there is no emotion.

They're no more substance than the wind.

No more substance than a friendship forged of shaken trust and of love.

And yet, I would rather grasp this friendship over any of the others that I've forged, I would rather die and burn in the flames of hell rather than to have not known her.

I think. For once... It's alright to go off script.

"... Each one of us was blessed enough to know her. Each one of us were blessed enough to know her for however short of a time. This bond, no matter how weak, links us all together, and together we grieve for a woman who died too young, we grieve for someone who didn't deserve any of this, and yet, through this grief we find hope.

"As bleak as it can be, as horrible as the road is, we grieve for the same thing. I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry. And I know you do the same things too, So we're really not that different, me and you."

A small murmur of agreement. Speak from the heart and it'll be over before you know it... just a little more, just pretend that you're as strong as you say you are... just a little more and it'll be over. No one will have to bother you.

"And so, I end this eulogy with words of wisdom that I have learned through the years of knowing her, We cannot banish dangers, but we can banish fears. We must not demean life by standing in awe of death."

There were sobs clearly being heard now, I'm taking too much time.

"Be open to your dreams, people. Embrace that distant shore. Because our mortal journey is over all too soon. And Now cracks a noble heart. Good night sweet prince: And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest. Thank you for your time."

Silence. A tangible silence that could be felt as the weight of the words are finally felt. Thank God it's over. I don't think I could have handled it anymore.

I'm tired. I just want to go home.

"Miss. Mogami! Miss. Mogami! Something to tell the news about your moving speech?!"

"Miss. Mogami! What about your attire?!"

"Miss! I've heard rumors that you're childhood friends with Miss. Aino?!" 

"Is that true?!"

"Miss. Mogami! I heard that you're dating a very popular pop-star in Korea! Is that true?!"

"Miss. Mogami! Your speech! Who wrote it?! I'd like to get in touch with them!"

"Ahh! Miss. Mogami!"

"Miss!"

"Miss Mogami!"

"Just a question!"

I'm tired... Just leave me alone. I don't have any answers to these questions, just more grief for your media. Just leave me alone...

"... No comment."

I don't know what hurt me more, the fact that I had just put the final words on my best friend, or the fact that I had refused so many eager questions. I don't know what hurt more, the memories of her that kept on flashing when I was talking, or the wish of wanting Yunho here.

"... Just take me home, Juliet."

"Sure thing."

It's been so long since I've enjoyed the silence within the car. Normally, it would be stifling, an awkward moment in which the quietude suffocated everything. Now, however, I welcomed it just as much as I welcomed the fact that I didn't have to drive. I welcomed the comfortable quiet of friendship that Juliet and I had, I welcomed it all, and for once, I was glad I had met them.

"Hey... we're back."

"I can tell. I'm griefstriken, not blind."

"... And you can still be sarcastic at a time like this. You amaze me at times..."

"... It's the only way I can keep from crying."

"You know, it's alright to be weak every now and then."

"I know... Just not here."

"Then get inside before you freeze yourself to death."

The home was the exact same as I remember it, comfortable without being too cozy, a homely feel that had flashes of brilliant color here and there. I moved, or at least, I remembered moving into my favorite room in the house, a calmly painted green room on the second floor. The door opened to a room painted with her own hand in a woodland scenery, trees, a small pond and even a little hut in the corner. It was the room that I would always seek refuge at times like this. Anytime I had wanted to break down, I found solace in the calming green and the hammock that hung there in lieu of a bed. Anytime I felt despair I found comfort in this little room.

Sitting there, swinging slightly back and forth in the hammock, I cried at last. I cried for the loss of a friend, for the loss of someone that I had known for so long.

For once, I was weak, and never, had I longed for Yunho's warm embrace this much.

Just his simple touch would be enough.

And for once, I hated being alone.


	34. Chapter 33

**Chapter 33: Zhai Na Yao Yuan De Di Fang (In A Far Away Place)**

_Dedicated to Mystyk Rapsody. Thank you for your continual support. This one's for you._

**  
**There aren't any more tears left to cry. There aren't any more memories to remember, nothing to keep the spirits up anymore. All that's left is an empty shell, sulking away in this world that is forever bleak. In a world where everything precious, is always in a far away place. There's nothing left, except for death and the precious memories to whither away.

There's nothing left but those memories of good times that will never occur again, for they are lost in the swirl of time and of the mind.

And all we can do is look back.

_[I "Nana! Nana! Look!"_

"_Where?"_

"_Right there!"_

"_There's nothing here... it's just a wide expanse of grass..."_

"_That's what you THINK. But just dream a little... and you'll see my kingdom!"_

"_Your kingdom?"_

"_Yeah! See? This is where the stables will be... and the mage's tower will be right there, and the healer quarters! The dragon lives at the horizon and he protects the land from the pirates!" [/i_

I remember that time, a time when we were so young, just little children, barely old enough to know that there was a world beyond the ones that we created. Those old days with nothing to worry about other than the next time that we would be able to meet.

How much have I changed since then?

How much have I corrupted myself with the reality of this world? Just exactly... how much do we as a society have to have to sacrifice in order to survive in the reality that was once painted to be something of everyone's dreams? What have we all given up just to survive?

[I_ "Nana! Nana! Look at what I got for Christmas!" _

"_... You got... a rock?"_

"_Yes!" _

"_Why are you so happy about the fact that your parents just picked up a rock and gave it to you?"_

"_Because! With this rock... we can build a snow man that's amazing!"_

"_...How do you live like this?"_

"_Because... one day. I'm going to be away from all of this...and it won't matter anymore. I'll be perfectly happy living on my own with my own style of life."_

"_You're awfully happy about that..."_

"_I just can't wait to grow up and finally do what I want that's all."_

_[/i_

I wonder if that were the correct thing to think. I wonder if it were alright to go and shun myself from the family that had raised me, albeit very coldly. These past few days have been like living in a constant dream, a haze of grief and of guilt. I could have been there for her, there could have been something that I could have done to have helped her.

Why is it that bad things happen to good people?

I want to know if there's something beyond this pain, if there is something beyond this guilt that I feel with every action that I take.

Why. Why wasn't I able to help?

Why couldn't I do anything to help her?

Why her?

Why me?

Why.

The singular, monosyllabic word that will eventually drive every single human on the face of the earth insane. The very word that forces the human mind to delve deeper into the world of the unknown and find out. The word that no human will ever define correctly.

Why. 

"... Hey... Yashi..."

"... What do you want Juliet?"

"... There's someone on the phone for you."

"Tell them I don't want to talk to them."

"They've been calling me none stop for the past two days. It's kind of hard to say no at this point."

"... Fine. Who is it?"

"I don't know, he just keeps on saying your name over and over again. And from the sounds of it it's a long distance call."

"Give me the phone."

"YASHI. ARE YOU ALRIGHT?!"

"... Who is this?"

"It's your son, Sungmin! You have no idea how many strings we had to pull to find this number! Why did you leave without telling me?! Actually how come you didn't even tell any of us!"

"I uhm... I had an emergency here..."

"Yeah, we know, we saw on the TV."

"Wait, WHAT?!"

"Yeah, Nana Aino's one of the most famous artists of the day, we were all shocked to see you there."

"Yeah, that's great. Now can you tell me why you're calling before I hang up on you?"

"... Yeah, come back to Korea."

"I have no reason to."

"Please, come back. It's been really quite without your snarky comments all the time. And well... Yunho's really having issues with it. That's reason enough right? Please?"

Yunho. How many emotions does that singular name bring up? How many bittersweet memories? How many fantasies about a happy life? What was it about this uncouth foreigner that attracted me to him so much?

"I have to think about it..."

"When will you have your response?"

"... Soon."

"By the time this phone call ends?"

"Maybe."

"Please, come back... I have no one to bother in the mornings anymore and Yunho looks like he's about to kill someone every other minute... and he said he had something for you."

"He has something for me? He could have just sent it through mail..."

"Ah... it's not something that can be sent through mail..." His voice seemed strained, as if trying to hide something from me. Then again, I had been hiding behind closed doors, denying the fact that my best friend had just died.

"What are you talking about, Sungmin?"

"Well... I don't know too much about it myself, I just know it involves a piano and lots of agonizing."

"... Oh..."

He had probably finished that song that we had been working on that day that I had left, thanks to the training regime that SM Entertainment puts onto the members, he's probably gotten the whole act down.

"Yeah, please come back? Ah--- Yunho! You're back! Hey! Hey! Yashi's on the ph----"

[i_click[/i_

I didn't want to hear his voice. Or rather, it wasn't that I didn't want to hear it, I couldn't. I couldn't stomach the thought of his voice, I couldn't think of anything but him at this moment.

Was he alright?

Was he eating?

Sleeping?

Socializing?

Was he?

I bordered on the side of obsession almost, I couldn't think of anyone else but him. It would be better off if I never talked to him ever again, never saw his face, never thought of him and just moved on with life.

Hell, it would have been better if this whole part of my life never happened. It would be easier to pretend that it all had never happened and that it was all a dream.

Some memories, the ones as precious as these, should never be remembered in order to keep the memory as pure and as beautiful as it was originally. Some memories are just too precious to remember, they're too much of a burden to have.

I wonder.

I just wonder, if I were to fall from the top of this home and fall, only to learn that I survived, would I forget? Would the pain of falling hurt more than the pain of remembering.

[i_Ring ring ring!! Ring ring ring!_

_... beep[/i_

"Hello?"

"Why'd you hang up on me?"

Dammit. This was the very thing I wanted to avoid.

"Why didn't you tell me there's something wrong?"

This was the thing I didn't want to hear the most. The one that I care about the most, I didn't want him to hear that anything was wrong. I didn't want him to know that anyone close was gone, I didn't, and yet, through powers not my own, he found out.

"Why... didn't you tell me anything?"

"..."

"ANSWER ME."

"Yunho... I... I..."

"You what? You figured I wouldn't worry with my work? You thought that I was going to brush this aside? You really thought that?"

"I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?! If sorry were enough, there'd be no need for Hell. Do you have any idea how worried sick I was when I saw the news report?! Do you have ANY idea how many hours of sleep I lost when you didn't even THINK of calling?! DO YOU!?"

[I_ "If sorry were enough, there'd be no need for Hell."[/i_

Once again, I had resorted to those stupid two words. 'I'm sorry.' Why does it always end up this way? It was just like this in the beginning with Leigh, just like this. Why was it that I would always resort to those two words? Those two simplistic words that I had always thought would make the world a bit better.

I suppose I couldn't learn from my first lesson. I suppose through this, he'll pretend he still cares for a little while longer, and then, gone, just like the last time. I suppose I was a fool to think that anything else could happen between us.

We are after all, so far apart, in a place so far away.

There's no reason for him to even give me a second thought.

"... You still there?"

"Ah.. Yeah... Sorry, I... I'm just out of it still..."

"I know... so I just wanted to call you back for this... Come back, please. I miss you."

[I_ "I miss you..."[/i_

Three simple words, three simple syllables, and they couldn't have come at a better time. How comforting and how tranquil. How perfectly eloquent and beautiful those words sounded from his lips. Thousands of miles away, in a far away place, he spoke, and I listened.

"... Alright. I'll come back."

Even though we may be oceans away, even though we may not be next to each other at this moment, even though I'm a peasant against him, he still found somewhere, somewhere deep down inside to care for me.

And though we may be so far away, I can feel it. And it was the thing that I needed to finish this song with him, to complete this melody of life.

It was very thing I needed to move on.

"I'll be waiting for you..."

"... I know. I have to go. I'll be back soon. I promise."

[I _click[/i_

There was no need for me to do anything but to go, the frantic thumping within my chest told me that it was finally something right, the chaotic panic that comes with chasing after a fleeting dream of happiness. This was finally something I could run after and not fall from. This was finally something that I had in my life that brought me a sweet joy that could never be taken away.

I would be once again in his arms and in his strong embrace. I would once again be drowned in the smell of cologne and sweat. I would once again be lead by his warm hand to places that I have never seen, and I would once again be able to live.

He had every right to be mad at me.

He had every right in the world to turn me away.

He had every right to go to someone else other than me.

Instead, he worried, and he cared, he forgave. And he gave me the most precious gift in the form of five little words.

[I_ "I'll be waiting for you..."[/i_


	35. Chapter 34

**Chapter 34: Wang Zhi (Prince)**

_Dedicated to xyourstruly, thank you for all the support that you have shown throughout this whole process. This fanfic would not have gone on as long as it has without your help. This one's for you._

There is so much that I don't understand in this world. So much that I want to know, so much that I want to learn. There's so much to this world that is still veiled behind the doors of knowledge. Perhaps, it's my indifference, no, my hatred towards the aspect of love that had originally made me so ignorant. Perhaps it was my dislike towards all the drama that's involved with it.

Funny how I'm running right back to the things I hate.

I wonder as I sit there and wait to get off the plane. I wonder, what was it that changed me? What was it that made me who I am? The one who's running back to a country once hated, the lone girl who only wanted to get enough money to write? I thought that was my dream.

[I_ "It still is, you just found something that's actually right in your life."[/i _

Something right, that's a funny thought. I had never thought that I would find something 'right'. It's so hard to find those little treasured moments, those memories that forever stick onto a human mind. I had always envied those people around me, the ones that were always so happy with their family, their life, the people that they cared about the most. It hurt so much to see everyone so happy while I had absolutely nothing to myself. It hurt so much to see everyone with something to live for.

All I had back then was just me, myself, my 'best friends' and my writing. The thing that had kept me alive for so long. The very essence of my life. The simple beauty that words can carve into the immovable mountains, it's the reason I can keep going.

That was the me from before.

But somehow, just somehow, there's been some sort of change, a clearing from the thunderstorm of life. Somehow, just somehow from within all this chaos, and all of this pain, I'm able to find happiness and solace from all of it.

Just hearing his voice was enough to send me running. There's no guarantee that I'll ever be sane around him again. I've become just like one of those fangirls, swooning and running at him. But, the funny thing is, I don't mind one bit.

There's a little part of me that's still skeptical, a little part that's constantly complaining about going back to Korea. There's still that little part that still thinks it's all a lie, a sham to get to whatever I had. There's still that little voice in the back of my head that's constantly whining about the feeling that I have towards my uncouth prince of a foreign land.

[I "_What do you have to gain from this?" [/i_

What DO I exactly have to gain from this?

Nothing. That's the answer.

I have nothing to gain other than the happy, elated feeling of being in heaven around him. I have nothing to lose but my sanity. I have nothing to gain, nothing to lose, why should I worry? Perhaps my pessimistic side just wants to protect me from the pain that I've gone through, perhaps my cynical side wants to make sure that he's the one. Whatever it is, I can't help but want to ignore it.

For once, there's something that's not wrong with my life. For once there's someone else who cares about me. Raphael, my heart used to think only of his beautiful face, his strong arms, his perfection, thinking back, I wonder if it was right to break it off with him. But now that I really look back, it's for the better good. He has a company to run and his marriage was decided for him, I can only pray for his happiness. It really was for the better good.

Ha, better good, what an odd phrase. It's like as if saying 'good' wasn't enough. It's as if saying that all we can ever hope to be is a little better than 'good' and never 'perfect'. But, at the same time, what is it that I can describe the absolute bliss within his arms? What can I use to describe the feeling of melting when he speaks? What can I use to do justice to his scent? His persona? His very being? What can I use?

Other than the word... perfect?

And the sad thing is, I don't know him.

The sad thing is, I don't know him as well as he knows me. It's so sad how much I want to see him, it's so sad how much I want to hold him again, to be protected by him, against all the odds that are against the two of us. It hurts, it hurts to know that he knows so much about me, but I know almost nothing about him.

It's scary as well, the thought that he doesn't need to talk to me so much to know almost everything. It's scary that he knows so much about me, all the right things to say, the right things to do, what do I have to say to this? What can I say other than he's the perfect prince?

Not the one I imagined, no, never that, but in his own way, he's molded himself to fit into that vision that I had so long ago and swept me off my feet.

[I_ But what do you have to gain?[/i_

Nothing, but the tears of joy when I saw him. Nothing but his scent and his strong embrace when I had nothing to lose but myself. Nothing, but myself. I have nothing to lose. And I have nothing to gain. Nothing but the ability to be happy once again.

Happy like I was before I was forced to grow up.

"Hey there, did you miss me?"

"Of course I did you idiot, why else do you think I came back?"

Those simple words, they're enough to make me want to cry. His scent is enough to bring back every single memory involving him, including the first words that he had ever said to me.

[I_ "You bitch, what sort of bullshit design is this?![/i_

Funny how times have changed the two of us. It's funny how long the past three days have been. It's felt like months, years, eons almost since I've last seen him. It's funny how slow time seems to be at times like these. It's funny how those first words have changed to the last ones I heard from him over the phone.

[I_ "I miss you... come back..."[/i_

So much has happened, so much has taken place since I had stepped foot into this country. I had thought that I would just make the money that I needed as an intern, leave, write, and never have to see the pretentious and snobbish faces of the celebrity world ever again.

It's so odd how time works on humans.

"Maybe to get your stuff and to leave me alone forever?"

"Why would I do that?"

"Hey... Hey! Are you crying?! Shouldn't you be happy?!"

"These are tears of happiness dammit!"

"Right... right..."

I didn't have to see his face to feel his smile, the sound of his heart was enough to tell me that he was glad that I was back. The scent of his sweat mingled with his strong cologne was enough to tell me that this was real. The feel of his hand gently petting my hair was enough to tell me that my fairy tale had finally come true.

All that's left is the 'happily ever after.'

"Hey... come on... let's get you back inside. Everyone else is waiting for you back at the apartment."

"You could have just all come to the airport you know..."

"And have the whole female population of Korea come and tag along? I don't think so."

"You've got a point there."

"I'm glad you're back."

"So am I... but I'm sure the fangirls and the media aren't."

"Who ever said that love was an easy thing?"

"Well, as they say, the course of love never did run smooth."

"Sure... whatever you say."

The car ride was pretty uneventful other than a quick briefing of what had conspired over the three days that I had magically disappeared. Sungmin had thought I had gone out to save the world, Hankyung apparently stared at the phone that I dropped for a few minutes and then stared at the hall way just standing there right after I left and well, Yunho himself just wondered.

I suppose the lovely broadcast of my friend's funeral helped clear things up a bit.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Tell you what?"

"That your friend was dying?"

"Well. When you get a phone from one of your best friends since grade school that your best friend that you've known even before school is in the hospital, dying of a disease with no cure, I'm sure that you wouldn't exactly have time to go back and explain to the other people in the room what's going on."

"I guess you have a point there... Oh... wow... we're already here?"

"Well, the airport's only a ten minute car ride from the apartment... I don't see why you're so surprised."

"Maybe it's because I've never timed going to the airport."

"Maybe you should be more observant of your surroundings."

"Maybe you should quit being so snarky."

"Maybe that's just the way I a---- WHOA SUNGMIN!!!"

"MOMMY! You're BACK!"

I was confronted by a full on assault by a five foot eight inch man who seemed to have launched himself off of something or another. I never thought someone could run that fast at all. I hadn't exactly expected to be greeted in this fashion. Nor did I expect to have knocked off my feet and to be suddenly be the victim of a bone crushing hug.

"S-sungmin... I need to breath... and... I think there's head trauma somewhere in there..."

"I missed you so much, mommy! Hankyung got mad at me for trying to make a Napoleon."

"That's... lovely... I still... need to breath..."

I don't think he heard me. Instead, if possible, the hug got even tighter.

"I didn't do anything wrong! I just forgot to set the timer on and burned it a bit!"

"Sungmin... breathing... important... function to life..."

"You only burned it a bit? You mean you nearly set our apartment on fire!"

Hankyung's voice chimed in from behind somewhere, not that I could see, my vision was going a lovely shade of black at that point. I wonder what part of 'let go' does this guy not understand?

"No one died!"

"Uhm... Sungmin... She's turning a slight shade of purple... you might want to let go."

Once again, I was saved by my very uncouth prince. He's definitely not the definition of 'prince' in any way, but, I can't help but see him as some sort of noble.

"Oh, right... oops. You alright mommy?"

"I think you only bruised my trachea but other than that, I'm fine."

"Hey! Sungmin! It's time for our appointment!"

"Do I HAVE to?! Mommy just got back!"

"Yes. You do."

"But Hankyung! Mommy just got back!"

"You've already tried that! And anyways, you know how important this show is!"

"Fine. But stay up late so we can celebrate okay mommy!"

I debated for a moment on whether or not to go along with the motherly figure sayings or just to say good bye to him. But then I remembered how precious every moment with everyone was. I remembered how everyone only had a limited amount of time, that the next moment, if I blinked, the people that I cared about so much would be gone.

I might as well play along, just for the memories.

"I'll stay up for you! Be safe, dear."

"... My precious Yashi's grown up to be a fine mother."

"I'm going to smack you, Yunho."

"No you're not."

"Yes I am."

"No you're not."

"What proof do you have that I'm not going to smack you silly?"

"Because you love me."

"Oh? Is that so?"

"Why else would you have come back here?"

"I could have decided to have come back to take my stuff and leave you alone forever."

"Wait. WHAT?!"

"... I was joking. Idiot. I couldn't leave you even if you told me to. You need too much coddling to be left out alone."

"Right, that's what they ALWAYS say..."

"Did you eat while I was gone?"

"Uhm... no?"

"Wash?"

"I think... so..."

"Sleep?"

"Barely?"

"Act like a zombie and eat plates instead of food?"

"...I think I did that once."

"I rest my case."

"But... I have good reasons to have done all of that!"

"And what would they be?"

"One... I missed you. And two... I finished writing that song."

"You did... did you?"

"Yeah... You want to hear to it?"

"Sure..."

And hand in hand, with my prince, I started life once again for his sake, for my sake, for the sake of everyone I know. I started all over again with my perfect, uncouth prince that I love so dearly.


	36. Chapter 35

**Chapter 35: Jue Bie Shi (Farewell Poem)**

_Dedicated to Quibie who's been with this fanfic from the very beginning of its publication. I thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for all of your support. Words cannot express my gratitude. This one's for you. _

I've only heard him play once before this time, and yet, I can already tell that there's so much passion in those hands of his. There's so much passion that he wants to show the world. He's a catalyst for the world's music, and this song that he wrote is the most beautiful form of it all.

Pure unaltered beauty.

I would hate to scar it with my words. I would hate to see this song be broken apart by the words that I'll eventually add, I don't think I could do anything to help this masterpiece. It's a shame that the only thing I can do is to mar it with imperfect, bumbling, ugly words.

"So, what do you think?"

"... It's perfect."

"It'll be better when you and I think about the lyrics."

"Then it won't be perfect anymore."

I can weave together words to create a story, I can stitch lines together to create a cloth of fantasy, but to put together emotions as deep as unrequited love, I can't do that. I can only do so much, I'm only human, I can't... create the miracle of emotion, just, life. That's all I can do.

"Sure it will. Just think... what's the first thing that comes up into your head?"

"I don't know..."

"Come on, I know you can do better than that. Screw the whole unrequited love theme. What does it remind you of?"

"The three long days that we spent apart."

"Okay, let's work off of that. Ah, shit, I've got rehearsal now, why don't you work on it while I'm gone? I promise I'll be back soon."

"I'll be counting the hours."

"Do I get a goodbye kiss from the mother?"

"Of course not, you're not the child."

"Ah damn, so close."

"Just get to work, I'll figure something out for this..."

Yes, work off of that feeling of loneliness that the two of us felt for three agonizing days. Work off on the idea of missing someone. Let's work with the idea of love so deep, affection so strong that through three short days, it felt like weeks, months, years even.

[i_Scratch, scratch, scratch... [/i_

When was the last time I had heard this noise? The comforting scribble of pen against paper? When was the last time I heard the comforting sound of creation? So long ago it seems. The last time I had ever written anything for myself seem so long ago. I should just let go, let the feelings go and just simply do what I'm good at. And that is to create.

Create something from the nothing that I was given. Create something that will go with the beautiful, perfect melody of love, affection and life that Yunho had written. I have to create a soul for the beautiful body that he had made from his talents.

_[IIt's been so long, baby_

_So many hours, so many days_

_I have these words in my heart that I would still like to say to you_

_Saranghaeyo Saranghaeyo[/i_

How long has it been since I've known him? How long has it been since I've been in love with him? Better yet, this is his song, how long has it been since he's known me? Love me? Wanted me to be with him?

What does he feel for me? How does it feel for a guy? What does he feel when he's on the stage? What does he feel when he knows I'm not down there cheering him on like all the other girls in the crowd? Is he as alone as he feels? Does he feel the loneliness that I felt when I was gone and mourning? Does he feel all of it? Or does his passion for music hide the pain that he feels?

_[iStanding on a lonely stage_

_The spotlight elongating my shadow_

_The music repeats our shared sadness_

_Every time I sing in a concert[/i_

Imagine, how he feels in front of all those fans. Imagine, how he feels when he's out there, knowing full well that I won't be there. How is it, that he can't cry in front of all those fans? Where does that strength come from?

[i_Tap... tap, tap tap...[/i_

I hate writer's block. If there's something in this world that I hate, it's the giant invisible blockage in my brain any time I need to get something done, it's the invisible wall that's so tall and intimidating, an insurmountable wall of just nothing.

But I have to get over it, climb past that wall and make it to the other side.

I have to make it, so that this child of our, this brain child, this being that had started because of our bond can live. I have to make it. I want the people to hear this, know the pain that we suffered, I want them to hear our heartaches when we were separated. And I want them to know, the uncertainty of love, how painful it is. I want to know what it feels like to truly love someone.

_[iI cannot just forget that you won't be there tomorrow_

_In my heart, we'll never be apart In my heart, we'll never be apart_

_Residues of the fragrance left on my hand reminds me_

_The promise I left in the memories we made[/i_

It's funny, how he's never taken a single picture of the two of us together. It's funny how just the memory of being together is enough. It's funny how there's never really been the need for little souvenirs of our time together. We only need each other, it's a mutual understanding that memories that aren't recorded are the ones that are most remembered. It's odd, how we've only known each other for such a short amount of time, but at the same time, we understand so much about each other.

Dear God, I haven't talked to you in a while, I know. But, I just want to know, why is it that only good people have bad things happen to them? Why is it in general that bad things happen in the first place when you made this whole world good? Do you think you could ever tell me why?

But God, even though you and I haven't had the greatest relationship in the whole world, I still want to thank you for being there even though right now, I'm sure I'm just thinking to the air. I want to thank you for making this all happen for me.

So that I can write this farewell poem to the world.

_[iSaranghaeyo means "I love you"_

_Saranghaeyo means "I love you"_

_It represents how I cannot leave you, every minute, every second, every sound_

_I will love you, and forever more[/i_

A poem filled with the pain of leaving, a poem filled with the will, the want, the urge to be with the one that we all love, that is what I write. A poem, a farewell poem that speaks to everyone and everything that has ever loved and lost whether it be friend, family, lover, or animal, we all love and we all cannot live without it, just as we cannot live without loss.

We all grow up to learn things, we learn what we dislike, what we abhor, what we hate the most in the world, and then we learn what we like, what we treasure, what we love. It's all a process that we as humans go through, we learn to hold on and we learn how to love someone or something above life itself. But in the end, we all must learn how to let go.

Even if it's painful, even if it tears our hearts apart and makes us wish that we had never learned to do something such as to care, we learn to let go, and we learn how to move on. We learn how to move on and accept our impermanence in this world.

_[iEvery part of me belongs to you Saranghaeyo means "I love you"Saranghaeyo means "I love you"_

_It represents how I cannot leave you, every minute, every second, every sound_

_I will tell only you I will love you, and forevermore I will love you, and forevermore_

_Oh, baby, I will love you because I belong to you_

_Hey non nonny, nonny, hey nonny_

_I love you because I belong to you_

_Hey non nonny, nonny, hey nonny_

_Saranghaeyo means "I love you"_

_Hey non nonny, nonny, hey nonny_

_Doubt thou the stars are fire,_

_Doubt that the sun doth move,_

_Doubt truth to be a liar,_

_But never doubt that I love._

_Saranghaeyo means "I love you" _

_Saranghaeyo means "I love you"_

_[/i_

But even though we are impermanent, even though we as humans wither away, the aspect of love is so strong in our hearts and in our minds that we tirelessly work towards being together no matter what the circumstances. We all run towards our princes and wish that they'll catch us when we fall.

That's the most that any of us can wish for in our lives.

"Hey... What are you doing here lounging around?"

"I'm not lounging, Hankyung, I'm uh... pondering the aspect of writing a beautifully created piece of work for another beautifully created piece of work."

"You're not making any sense."

"I'm helping Yunho write the lyrics to his song."

"Can I see?"

"... No."

"Why not?"

"Because I said so."

"Oh come on now, what's so wrong about it? You're willing to let him see it but not me?"

"Exactly, it's his song, not yours."

"You're mean."

"Haven't we established this a long time ago?"

"I just like saying it."

"Hmm... I can tell. So let me think. Since you're back already probably means that my child's back as well. I'm surprised I haven't been att-----"

"MOMMY! SUNGMIN IS HOME!!!!!"

"I spoke too soon."

"Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Let's go bake cookies for daddy when he comes home!"

"... I'm almost afraid of doing that, considering I heard that you nearly burned down your own apartment over the three days I was gone."

"But!! How else are we going to celebrate?!"

"No idea... Why don't you come up with something? You're the one who thought of it in the first place."

"But I don't WANNA think of something else!"

"Well, too bad for you."

"Come on! With you around, we should be able to make cookies without burning the place down."

"Uhm... Do we even have the ingredients needed to make cookies in the first place?"

"... Good question, do we?"

"How should I know? This is Yunho's apartment."

"How'd you guys get in here in the first place?"

"We used the front door."

"Okay then."

"Hey! Daddy Yunho's back!"

"When did you two become mother and father to that child?"

"I have no idea myself. I think it involved a red paper, some cake, and a very groggy, sleep deprived me."

"That might just explain a lot of it."

"Daddy! Daddy! Did you bring me something from work?"

"That interview sure went fast."

"Yeah, about that... we sorta... got canceled, SM didn't want us appearing for some odd reason, something to do with the politics of the station and what not"

"Okay. Sounds good enough to me. That means I get to spend more time with you."

"And the rest of this demented family that somehow appeared. How DID you guys get in?"

"Apparently through the front door and not the fire escape. Or, at least, that's what Hankyung's told me."

"He's a trustworthy guy."

"We'll be taking our leave now and leaving you two love birds alone."

"But I don't wanna leave! Daddy just got back!"

"Right, and it's time to give you your bottle and go to bed."

"Mommy! Why do you have to be so mean!"

"It's late. You're young, and last time I checked, children need sleep."

"You're mother has a point. Let's get out of here before we have issues waking up tomorrow."

"Fine. Be that way."

"Good night, Sungmin, I'll see you tomorrow."

"Good night, Mommy! Good night, Daddy!"

"I wonder when he's going to get out of this mother, father stage..." Yunho pouted slightly looking at the door that had just closed and the two Super Junior members had left the apartment. "He makes me feel so much older than I should be."

"Who knows, it's cute."

He's so cute when he sulks. It's so funny how he's older than me and yet, still, he acts like a child. It's so cute that I have to play along with him as the 'mother' figure just to get him to do something. Maybe he misses his parents. Maybe he's homesick, whatever it is, it's almost a comforting feeling that he clings onto like such a child. I once told myself that I would hate children, but I suppose this overgrown one isn't too bad.

"So, how did the song writing go?"

"Here's what I have."

_[IIt's been so long, baby_

_So many hours, so many days_

_I have these words in my heart that I would still like to say to you_

_Saranghaeyo Saranghaeyo_

_Standing on a lonely stage_

_The spotlight elongating my shadow_

_The music repeats our shared sadness_

_Every time I sing in a concert_

_I cannot just forget that you won't be there tomorrow_

_In my heart, we'll never be apart In my heart, we'll never be apart_

_Residues of the fragrance left on my hand reminds me_

_The promise I left in the memories we made_

_Saranghaeyo means "I love you"_

_Saranghaeyo means "I love you"_

_It represents how I cannot leave you, every minute, every second, every sound_

_I will love you, and forever more_

_Every part of me belongs to you Saranghaeyo means "I love you"Saranghaeyo means "I love you"_

_It represents how I cannot leave you, every minute, every second, every sound_

_I will tell only you I will love you, and forevermore I will love you, and forevermore_

_Oh, baby, I will love you because I belong to you_

_Hey non nonny, nonny, hey nonny_

_I love you because I belong to you_

_Hey non nonny, nonny, hey nonny_

_Saranghaeyo means "I love you"_

_Hey non nonny, nonny, hey nonny_

_Doubt thou the stars are fire,_

_Doubt that the sun doth move,_

_Doubt truth to be a liar,_

_But never doubt that I love._

_Saranghaeyo means "I love you" _

_Saranghaeyo means "I love you"_

_[/i_

A small smile graced his face when he read the words. There was a silence for a moment, I swear I could hear my own heart beating against my chest. I could have sworn I could have died that moment. I could have sworn anything could have happened then.

Anything except for what was to happen next.

He cried.

"Hey... wait, what's wrong?"

"It's beautiful. It really is. I'm only sad that I have to screw it up with my music."

"It should be the other way around. Now quit crying, you're going to start making me cry too."

"But what if I want you to cry? What if I want you to cry so I can hold you and hug you and comfort you in your time of need?"

"What if it didn't matter if I'm crying or not? I'm fine with you just hugging me too."

"Really? Are you serious?"

"If I wasn't serious, then would I have suggested it in the first place?"

"You've got a point. But really, this is beautiful. Just like you."

I had no response to those words. I don't think I ever will have a response to those words. I didn't have a response to what he said and did next either.

"Yashi, I know that we've only been together for a really short amount of time. And I know you're probably skeptical about all of this. But, I just want to let you know that I love you with all my heart and my soul." He got onto one knee from where I was sitting, and looked up before continuing to speak. "I know that we started out really rough, I think the first words that I ever said to you was 'you bitch', and I regret ever saying those two words to you...But I don't regret ever meeting you, I don't regret every moment that I've known you. And most of all, I don't regret loving every moment that you've been in my life. It all amounts to these last few words that I want to say to you, and the lyrics of the song say it so well for me. Saranghaeyo, means 'I love you.' Yashi Mogami, will you marry me?"

[I "_Will you marry me?"[/i_

He produced a small velvet box from his pocket. From the look in his eyes, he was completely sincere, but his history with love made me worry. He had gotten over his first girlfriend so easily, what were the chances that he would do the same to me?

"Please, I know that my previous choices in women and how much I loved them haven't exactly been the best, but for once, I think, I've found the person that I want to be with for the rest of my life. Yashi, will you take me for your husband?"

Inside the box was the most gorgeous ring I had ever seen. I had thought the one that he had nonchalantly tossed to me on Christmas was beautiful, but this one, this one was something else. Where as the first ring from so long ago was a cold crystalline sort of beauty, this one shone with the warmth and the strength of his love that I had grown so accustomed to, sparkling heart cut diamond set on a pedestal and bordered with two equally beautiful tear shaped diamonds all engraved in a warm golden band.

It was then when I knew, knew that he was sincere in his words and that he felt how right it was for the two of us to be together. Through all the hardships and heartaches that we've suffered, somehow, the two of us had found a way to love and somehow, just somehow, it felt so right.

"... Yes, Yunho. Yes..."

There weren't any other words that I could get out other than those two. As eloquent as I had trained myself to be, as gifted with a silver tongue as I want to be, I couldn't think of anything else to say. I couldn't hold back the tears of gratitude that I had felt. I couldn't hold back the feeling of being with the man that I had hated so much in the beginning. I just couldn't believe that we could hold a future together, it felt as if my heart could burst from the sheer elation that I felt. I couldn't believe how right this all felt.

"Tell me those are tears of happiness."

"They are, Yunho, they are."

[i_Saranghaeyo, I love you, forevermore.[/i_


	37. Chapter 36

**Chapter 36: Dui Bu Qi (Sorry)**

_Dedicated to Kiyofugi. Thank you so much for all your words of support and your enthusiasm for urging me on to continue this. This one's for you. Thank you. _

[I "_Pi__ùmi duol che tu m'hai colto ne la miseria dov tu mi vedi che quando fui de l'altra vita tolto" /i_

If there had ever been a time when I was this happy, it would be when I had finally graduated college with a degree in English. If there was ever a time where I could walk on air, it would be the time I got my first book published. But if there was ever a time when I just beamed with happiness and nothing could bring me down, not ever, it would be now. 

Being back at work had never brought me such joy. I had always thought that I wouldn't fit in. I figured that with my upbringing there wouldn't be a place for me in this country. But how wrong was I? To have found someone who was willing to make a place for me in his life so that I could live with him until the end. 

I feel like my heart could just burst with happiness. It's as if there's a magical spell that's been laid on me right after he slipped the ring on my finger and I had somehow become the princess that I've always dreamed of when I was younger. It as was if there was nothing that could stop us. There's something so beautiful about being in love. I never really thought about it until now. Just the thought of someone so close to you and willing to spend the rest of their life with you. I never thought it could bring such simple bliss.

[i"_I suffer more because you've caught me in this, the misery you see, than I suffered when taken from the other life."/i_

"You're really good at just sitting there staring out at the window when there's about three days left until DBSK's next concert."

"Don't patronize me, Hankyung, I was happily thinking about how amazing the concert will be."

"Don't lie, I can tell you're just happy that you're getting married."

"That too. Why are you here?"

"Two reasons. One, my visa didn't let me go onto the next show that everyone else is on, and two, I decided now would be a good time to be a hawk and stare at you to make sure you get this stuff done."

"I will be done! I've only been gone for what? Three? Maybe four days? All that needs to be done is just the finishing touches." 

"You're unbelievable you know that?"

"And what makes you say that?"

"Well, when you randomly left, there was barely anything here but a bunch of scraps of cloth and here you've already got pretty much all of them done. How do you do it?"

"Hankyung, there's a very interesting phrase where I come from and it's 'sleep is for the weak, caffeine is your ultimate drug of choice.' does that help you any?"

"I'm going to say yes. Whatever that means."

"In other words. Screw sleep and work."

"Oh... right. And this is how everything is done?"

"That's the way the world works. You don't get something done in time for the deadline, you're fired. It doesn't matter if you're the president of the United States, the King of England, or whatever, when someone has deadlines to meet. He should meet them. Simple as that. And I need to make up for the time I was gone."

"I see... OUCH What the Hell! Why is there a pin cushion here?"

"Because I put it there for my convenience and not for your ass to sit on."

"You're mean..."

"Only when I want to be."

"So when's the wedding?"

"Tomorrow. Over my dead body."

"Really?"

"No. We haven't figured out when yet, probably within the year though."

"And what makes you think that?"

"I don't know. It's just a thought."

"Right, how many hours of sleep did you get last night?"

"Uhm... somewhere between two to three hours in here I think."

"You slept in the studio."

"Why not? It's got enough clothes to make a suitable bed."

"You slept... in the STUDIO."

"Yes and?"

"Are you crazy?"

"That question's only relevant when you're comparing two or more people. Who are you comparing me to?"

"I'm comparing you to the rest of the population."

"Then no, I'm sure there's someone out there that's less sane than I am."

"And what makes you say that?"

"I'm going to quote Edgar from King Lear for you to prove my point. 'When we our betters see bearing our woes, We scarcely think our miseries our foes. Who alone suffers suffers most I' th' mind. Leaving free things and happy shows behind. But then the mind much sufferance doth o'erskip When grief hath mates and bearing fellowship.'"

"Uhm... one more time? In normal common language please your majesty?" 

"When we see people better than us suffering the same thing, we get the feeling that we're suffering less. It's the same thing with insanity. Or in your words my state of 'crazy'. There are just other people who have worse cases of craziness than I do."

"Uh huh... Maybe I should tell Yunho that he's going to end up marrying someone who's crazy compared to him."

"Well why don't you tell him I'm sorry that I can't be perfect."

"Tell who that you can't be perfect?"

"Oh! Yunho! Practice is over already?"

"Yeah, they want us to rest up for the concert."

"It's two days away, dear, I don't see why you have to rest."

"Are you telling me that you're willing to work me to death for this concert?"

"Don't you guys always work yourselves to death even without my coaxing?"

"Ooh... Lover's quarrel... I'm debating on whether or not to get a bowl of popcorn and watch this."

"Hankyung, you can be quite a bastard when the time calls for it."

"Yes, and last time I checked, you're every bit as mean as I am."

"I'm not going to deny it."

"And I'm not going to deny that you've locked yourself in here for long enough. Come on, I'm taking you out."

"Where?" 

"To somewhere special, where else?"

"Does it involve you wearing a giant trench coat and a hat and calling it 'incognito?'"

"No, but it's somewhere cool. Come on. You're welcome to come along if you want, Hankyung."

"Nah, I'd hate to break up your date for being the third wheel. I'm gonna go back and practice for our next live."

"You do that. We'll be watching. Come on, Yashi, let's go."

"Of course."

I could never get over how warm and comforting his hands are. The way that they carry an aura of authority. His hands are an everlasting source of power and a source of trust that I can find myself putting my whole heart and soul in. 

"So... where are you taking me?"

"Somewhere amazing."

"Last time you said that I ended up in your room listening to a train wreck of a song."

"But it got better didn't it?"

"I guess..."

"Look. We're here."

"A concert hall? This is what you wanted to show me? The next place that you're going to perform in? No offense... but it's not exactly very flattering. If you know what I mean."

"What? Are you saying it's not awesome?"

"Exactly what I'm saying."

[I_ "E detto l'ho perch__é__ doler ti debbia."/i_

"But... you haven't even walked inside! Come on. I promise it'll be cool."

"Fine. If you say so."

Hand in hand we walked through the large double doors that towered over us and into the empty hall. It was huge. Larger than any of the ones that I had seen before, it was just majestic in every single way possible. Grand arching beams supported the dome where sound could fault itself around and reach even the furthest seat. 

The hugeness of it all, all the seats, all the red plush seats that soon would be filled. I could only imagine what it would be like to stand in front of all the people that would soon eagerly sit and watch as my fiancé and his group would perform. It was a mind boggling thought, all those women that he could have chosen from, and yet from all those beautiful women that he could have chosen from, he chose me. Of all the people in this world, I couldn't feel more blessed to be with him at that moment. 

"I told you it's amazing." 

"Yeah... it is."

"Follow me, there's something else I want to show you."

He led me towards the center of the stage where it was dimly lit and in the center stood a grand black piano. A fine instrument that stood out against the great dome. I could only imagine what else he wanted to show me. He sat down at the seat that waited expectantly and started to play the song that I had grown so accustomed to him playing.

Each not resonated with such a passion, with such a beautiful power that echoed itself around the empty hall that I couldn't imagine what it would be like when it was filled with thousands upon thousands of fans. I could only wish that they could feel the emotions that were put into this song, I could only hope that they found the meaning in the song that we had put into this piece. I could only pray that they would understand where all of this came from. 

It really was a beautiful song, his voice proved that, every note, every word flowed from his lips so smoothly. It was listening to velvet, each note accompanied by a gorgeous word, it brought tears to my eyes and I couldn't help but feel a strong, painful constriction in my heart. Part of me said that there was something wrong. There shouldn't be something like this happening. Another part just simply told me it was the love I felt. 

And yet, another part, was begging forgiveness from him. A small part of my mind was saying the word 'sorry' over and over again. 

I didn't know why until the world started to spin and turn black. 

I didn't know why my mind kept on saying that word until I heard my own body hit the hard wooden floor of the stage. I didn't know any of it until I understood, half conscious why I was so sorry. 

I didn't understand until I heard the music stopped. 

I was sorry that I wouldn't live to see him sing this to me life.

I was sorry that I would have to go. 

I was sorry that I knew at that point, that I was going to die. 

I was sorry for everything. 

I was sorry that I didn't understand this until it was too late. 

[i_And I have told you this to make you grieve./i_


	38. Chapter 37

**Chapter 37: Zui Hou De Zhan Yi (Final Battle)**

_When priests are more in word than matter,_

_When brewers mar their malt with water,_

_When nobles are their tailor' tutors,_

_No heretics burned but wenches' suitors,_

_When every case in law is right, _

_No squire in debt, no no poor knight;_

_When slanders do not live in tongues,_

_Nor cutpurses com not to throngs,_

_When usurers tell their gold I' th' field,_

_And bawds and whores do churches build,_

_Then shall the realm of Albion_

_Come to great confusion;_

_Then comes the time, who lives to see 't,_

_That going shall be used with feet._

The next few hours were a blur to me. I could hear someone screaming my name, someone so far away. I could feel myself fading in and out of consciousness, a blur of colors and the feel of someone picking me up. There was this ethereal feeling to it all, as if it all wasn't happening. I could hear myself breathing heavily, I could hear the sounds of people walking around. I could hear a heartbeat, a loud heartbeat that thundered in my ears. I couldn't remember too much, But I could hear sirens somewhere, someone shouting my name over and over. I couldn't remember anything except for the few times that light permeated through the darkness to show me where I was. 

In the distance I could hear something beeping, something cold was being pressed onto me. There was a bright light and much chattering. I could see the faint outline of someone hovering over me, he was muttering comforting words, there was someone else to my side, holding my hand, constantly rubbing it and constantly, somewhere in the background I swore I could have heard crying. I swear I could have heard someone crying in the background. 

That was all I could remember before the world turned black. 

I woke up dressed in the pale blue of a hospital suit, there were things stuck to my arms, things taped onto my fingers and there was just so much machinery all around me, there was a soft beeping noise in the background. The very same one that monitored Nana when she was in the same predicament. The first thing I could think of was that this was all a dream. A nightmare, a nightmare that I was somehow hospitalized just like my best friend was. There wasn't a way that this could be happening to me right now. It was all a dream, it had to be. There was no way that this couldn't be a dream. I promised, I promised her that I would live. 

"Hey... you awake?" 

"If I was asleep would I be answering you?"

"Yeah, you're awake, and snarky as always."

"I'll take it as a compliment." 

"Miss. Mogami, I'm glad to know you're awake. You had quite a fall." The doctor stood there, clad in white and a clipboard in hand. He had the air of 

"Yeah, I guess I did, so uhm... when will I be able to get out of here?"

"I'm afraid you can't."

"Wait... what do you mean? Why can I get out?"

"Well... We took X-rays and ran some blood tests."

"And?"

"And... I don't think there's ever a kind way to say this, but uhm... you have a severe case of Lupus. It's attacked your heart and part of your lungs. Which is what caused you to faint earlier today. I'm sorry to say this, but you don't have much longer to live."

"How much longer?" 

"Two days. At the state that your immune system is at... it' a miracle if you had lived any longer than today." 

"Two days... that's... when our next concert is."

"Yunho, I'm sure that I'm quite adept at reading a calendar. Yes, I know that your concert's in two days. And I'll make it quite known that there isn't any worry for you guys, all the outfits are pretty much done, just a few touches here and there, but I'm sure you guys could live without them." 

"Yashi, you've got Lupus, you're dying as we speak, and you're worried about us! Why don't worry about yourself for once?"

"Because if I did, then I'd miss out on all the fun in life."

"Doctor, are you sure there's nothing that you can do? There isn't some sort of medicine that can do anything?"

"Sir, I know that you're worried, but there just is no cure. Now we can help her ease the pain a bit... but with the condition that she's in, there really isn't anything we can do. If we had caught it earlier, then there might have been something that we could have done."

"So there's nothing left."

"I hate to say it, but there really isn't. It's attacked her immune system so she can't really fight back at this point... I'm afraid the most we can do is just lessen the pain that last attack had on her body."

"Yunho, don't listen to that doctor. I'll be fine, just a few days in here and I'll be back to normal. But... if word of this happens to get out to Sungmin and the others though, that might be a bit of a problem."

"Uhm... about that..." 

"Don't tell me you called him."

"Well what was I going to do? Just sit here and hide it from them that you fainted in the middle of the stage and started to spew blood from the corner of your mouth?"

"Was it that bad?"

"It gave me the scare of my life. I thought you were dead." 

"This... isn't a dream is it?" 

"Want me to pinch you to make sure?"

"I think I'll survive without it, Yunho."

"Miss. Mogami, I'll be taking my leave now, if there's anything else you need, don't hesitate to call one of us."

"Of course. Thank you for taking care of me."

"It's our job... it also looks like you've got some more visitors."

In decided to walk a weary Hankyung and a bubbling Sungmin. A giant bouquet of flowers was in his hands. If I hadn't known better, I could have sworn he would be tipped over any moment now from the sheer number of florals in his hands. It was seriously half the size of the poor guy. Which brings me to wonder, where the Hell did he get that many flowers in the first place? Something about Hankyung's face told me that it involved some bribing and lots of fangirls. 

The things that fame can do to someone. 

"MOMMY! You're alive! When Daddy Yunho called he made it sound like you were already dead!"

"Sungmin... You keep talking to your mother at that volume and I'll die from bleeding out through my ears."

"Really!"

"No. She was being sarcastic. Seriously, Yashi, you should know Sungmin's brain doesn't register sarcasm like normal people."

"Hankyung, it's because you haven't taught him the truth about life. You should be more considerate and teach him the difference between sarcasm and a serious tone. It'll do him well when he gets older."

"He's already older than you."

"I know, but he's more innocent than I was when I graduated from high school. Did he grow up under a rock?"

"I don't know, that sure as hell beats me. But hey, he can sing and he can dance. So I guess that's all that really matters." 

"In this industry, yeah, that and if you look good it's always a plus."

"Mommy... when are you going to get out?"

"Soon, I promise. I'll be able to get out of here and then we'll go bake cookies for Daddy Yunho."

"Really?" 

"Really." 

"I'll be happy to eat them just as long as you two don't poison them first."

"So, when are you going to be able to get out of here?" 

"Doctors said in two days."

"Really! That's great!" 

Yunho looked at me as if there was something he wanted to say about my choice of words. It was as if I was giving Sungmin some sort of false hope. But what was I to say? That I was going to die because there's no cure for me at this point? What did he want me to tell him? The truth? No, that's too painful, I couldn't bring myself to tell him the truth. It would be better if he just continued to live out his little fantasy about our little demented family. It would be better for him to just continue to live innocently for the time being. 

There was silence for a very long time. The constant beeping of the heart monitor kept in time with second hand of the clock. The air wasn't stuffy as awkward silences go, but rather, it had an ominous sort of feel to it. As if, no matter how much I wanted Sungmin to not know of the condition, it was inevitable that I was to die. There wasn't going to be a time when I would walk out of this white prison. There wasn't going to be a time when I would be once again free to see the world. There wouldn't be. And I regret with all my heart that I didn't make life better for myself before this. 

For all the wars against myself I've fought, for all the times when I've battled against myself, this is my last battle. There's no doubt about it. I suppose I finally understand what Nana meant when she could feel herself dying. The slow draining feeling of life just melting away. I had always thought that I had more time. I had always believed that I would be able to live past the age of thirty. 

I had thought that I would be able to write the end of my fairytale with Yunho. After last night, I thought I could do everything, I had it all. I had finally found the right thing. And now, look at me, pathetic, laying in a hospital bed, completely vulnerable and weak. 

God, I'm a sad person. 

_Ring, ring, ring! Ring, ring, ring!_

"Hello? Yes... Yes, Yes Jaejoong, she's alive. No... the costumes should be fine. Yes, I'll be there for the concert. I can assure you that. Yes, I'm coming back right now... I know, I know, we've got rehearsal tomorrow. I'm not dumb." 

The first sound to break past the heavy silence was the high pitched ring of Yunho's cellphone and his answer to the call. It seemed as though no matter how hard he wants to be normal, he'll forever be that famous guy whom so many people will look up to. Indeed, no matter how ill I am, no matter where I am, no matter what condition I'm in, he's still a celebrity. He still had his duties and obligations. He had work to do, not me. He was the one who needed to get out there and show the world what he was made of. I had no need to be there, I was only a support, a way for him to get forward. 

No matter how much I look at it, I'm only made for supporting others. There's no way I could stand out for myself. There's no way I could ever find the courage to stand up in front of thousands of people and show them my passion. There's just no way that I could. 

"Gentlemen... Visiting hours are over. It will do you and the patient well if you will leave as soon as possible." A nurse at the doorway coolly said, her demeanor and the way she carried herself was clear that she didn't find it very acceptable that there were visitors at all. Really, I wonder if she ever had anyone visit her when she was in the hospital. Maybe that's the reason she's so bitter. Quite frankly, I'm almost sure she had the disposition to throw all three of them out if they didn't comply completely and immediately. 

I suppose some people are just anal retentive that way. 

"Okay, before we get kicked out by the scariest thing since medical malpractice, we should leave you to sleep now. I'll see you tomorrow when rehearsal is over alright?" 

"Alright, I'll be dreaming happily of you."

"And don't forget about me, Mommy!"

"Of course not, why would I forget to dream about you?" 

"Because, I didn't tell you to!" 

"Don't worry, you're always happily dancing around in my dreams, Sungmin. Promise you'll see your mother when you have the time to?"

"I promise!" 

"Good boy, now go along home and get some sleep alright?"

"Okay!" 

"Good night, Yashi, we'll visit when we can." 

"I know you will, Hankyung. You're a trustworthy guy, the girl who you're going to end up with will be very happy indeed."

"I hope she will be."

"I'm sure she will. Good night."

"Good night."

_Click _

This was my last battle against life. I was tired, tired of all this fighting against all these hurdles that life has thrown at me. There's no way that I was going to live past this week. There's no way I was going to finally find happiness in this world. The few fleeting moments when it had felt so right between Yunho and I, those were to be the first, and the last it seems. With the state I was in, there was no way, no miracle that could ever bring me back to the happy bliss that had been felt just yesterday and earlier this morning.

It's odd, how accepting of death I was. How just perfectly easily I accepted the knowledge of my death. It was odd as well, how the scent of the flowers that Sungmin brought to me brought back the memories of old lauds that I remember studying in college. The scent of life mingled with the thought of death, how ironic that is. 

_There's rosemary, that's for remembrance,_

_Pray you, love, remember. And there is pansies, that's for thoughts._

_There's fennel for you, and columbines. _

_There's rue for you, and here's some for me;_

_We may call it herb of grace o' Sundays. You must wear_

_your rue with a difference._

_There's a daisy. I would give you some violets,_

_But they withered all when I died. _

_They say I made a good end. _

The old song kept on singing in my head, over and over like a lullaby from disembodied voices. The mingled sanitary smell of the hospital and the fresh, lively smell from the large bouquet beside my bed somehow brought a strange sort of peace to the suffocating pressure of death that I had started to feel. The smell of happiness was gently being mixed into the scent of death. 

And for some odd reason. I was able to accept this and sleep peacefully. 

For I knew my final battle would be over soon. 


	39. Chapter 38

**Chapter 38: Wo Jiu Shi Wang Bu Dao (I Just Can't Forget) **

His visit the next day was a short one. There wasn't too much time for him. But at the same time, I couldn't help but feel relieved. He had kept his promise to see me. And in this dismal world of machinery and the constant white color, his presence was the color of the whole world to me.

"Hey... How you feeling?"

"Well... slightly groggy seeing as I'm being drugged with every sort of painkiller known to man."

"I'll take it as you're alright."

"Yeah, I guess you could say that, it could be worse."

"You've changed quite a bit."

"I haven't changed at all. That's a lie."

"Right, and this is one of the reasons I love you so much. Here. I brought these for you. 'Cause I know you're going to be bored out of your mind if you're not sleeping from the painkillers."

"You read me like a book, Yunho, do you know that?"

"You know, the funny thing is, I always found you to be one hell of an unpredictable woman."

"Well... I'm sure yesterday would be the epitome of being unpredictable."

"You never fail to amuse me." From out of nowhere it seemed, he produced the diary that I had acquired from Christmas, and a pen. Where he had been able to find all these things is beyond me, how he was able to know exactly what I wanted, is just something that will forever baffle me. 

"You know, you never fail to amaze me."

"I want you to take this as well..." From his pocket he pulled out a cellphone. "I don't want to spoil it for you just yet, but I promise, keep it close. I'll call tomorrow, just to make sure you're alright. I'll be there."

"You're going to call me when you know it's going to be a concert with thousands of screaming fans? You're going to find the time to do that?"

"I love you, of course I will." 

"Right, I almost forgot about that."

"... I'm gonna----" 

"Oye! Yunho! Come on! We're going to be late."

"Chill out Jae! Can't a man see his girl!... I'll see if I can drop by later, love."

"Go knock 'em dead at practice."

"I'll try to."

_Click..._

The quiet beeping of the machinery in the background reminded me how little time I had left. How every moment counted. It was sad, I was to die so soon. I had always dreamed of dying older, or with a better end than this. I suppose this was what Nana felt when she was on her death bed. But I don't want to be remembered like her, I don't want to be remembered as that person with so much in her life. I just simply want to be remembered. 

It's hard to accept the fact. It's hard to think that I'll really be gone so soon. Maybe, maybe the doctors were wrong. Maybe they miscalculated. Maybe, just maybe, I had a chance of living past the two day limit that they had placed on me. Maybe, just maybe, I had another shot at that happiness which we had experienced for that sweet moment. I want to believe that I'll live, I want to believe so much that I'll be alright in the end. 

I wanted to believe so many things all at once. 

But what good is it if none of them are known? What good is it if none of them are ever recorded? What good is a belief if no one ever hears of it? 

I might as well at least write it down.

Goodbyes were never my forte. At least they won't have to hear it from me, at least they won't have to hear it from my last breath, at least they won't have to bear the pain that I had to twice in my life already.

At least this way, they only have to look back on my handwriting and not on the person that had spoken. At least this way, my words won't be forgotten. 

At least this way, I'll live on... almost. 

_I don't think there's any need to say 'Dear Diary' anymore. I don't think there's a need for me to do anything but to write down what I want to say. As dismal as it sounds, I suppose being ready for the end at any time is a good thing. I should get out all that I want to say before I take a last breath. I just can't forget everything, even when I'm gone, I just can't forget all that's happened through these last few months, it's almost impossible to believe that I'll soon be nothing but some last words scribbled down. _

_But I suppose that's better than nothing. _

_I'm on the last battle of life now. And all too soon if you ask me. There's so much I want to remember, and so much I want to forget. Though my mind seems to like it not that I wish to forgive all the crimes done onto me. No matter how much I want to forget all the bad times and remember all the good, it just seems, it just seems as though all I can remember the bad._

_It only feels like yesterday since I decided to be a writer. It only feels like a few moments ago when I decided that I wanted to write for the rest of my life. I wonder where that will had gone. It had been with me for so long, but, somehow, I seem to have changed. Against my own will I suppose. _

_But then again, that comes with life. I never wanted to grow up, I never wanted to get any older than the age of twenty. Ever since I was young, I had carried in my heart the thought of never growing older, I wanted to be young forever. The essence of innocence, I wanted it to cling until I died. _

_It's too bad I had to grow up. _

_I'm still debating on whether or not it's a good thing. Whether or not all these changes were for my own betterment. Ever since I stepped foot onto this foreign soil, I had thought I would forever hate this place. I was content with my old lot in life, albeit it wasn't exactly very rich or fabulous, I had what I wanted. I had my words._

_No matter where I am, no matter how hard my life was, I had always found happiness in the uncaring and cold world of words. Their perfection, their poetry, as much as everyone else wanted to shove it out of me, I clung onto it as a treasure. Words were the only thing I had for myself. When there were no friends around, I had my words. When friends had found someone more important, I still had them. _

_And now, in my darkest time, I once again, return to my words. _

_How comforting it is to hear the sound of a pen against paper. How soothing it is to let go of all inhibitions of laying in a hospital bed, waiting for death to knock at my own door. How absolutely divine it is to just simply_

_I've pushed so hard to write what I want people to see. I've done everything in my life to seek that road to fame. I've done so much to become that perfect person in my mind. And somewhere down that line, I lost that vision. I had always dreamed of pulling heartstrings, always thought that I had the talent to show the world something beautiful. _

_I guess I lost that talent somewhere along the line. _

_I lost so many things. A dear friend, my sanity somewhere while I was here. Countless hours of sleep, and a number of other things. In this country, I was ridiculed, I was shoved aside, I was nothing for the longest time. _

_And yet, in my darkest hour, in a time when no one was there, he was able to help me up. My uncouth prince. He's nothing like what I had originally imagined. Handsome, yes, eloquent, sure, but princely, no. He's not, and yet I couldn't help but be attracted to him. I had never believed in love at first sight, I sound like a hypocrite now when I say I swear I felt my heart constrict slightly when I first laid my eyes on him. He's graceful, strong, supportive, a leader in every which way, but he's no a prince. He's more than that._

_He is the color in this country of black and white. He is the reason I had something to cling onto while I was here. _

_Starting off rough is an understatement. Considering his first words to me, considering really the first few months we knew each other, it's a miracle that we somehow became engaged. I suppose it's the number of similarities that we have, stubborn, hard to get to know, idiots in every which way. It's a wonder we haven't blown up at each other already. It's a miracle that I had found someone like this in the world._

_Someone who was willing to accept everything I was and was willing to live with me for the rest of their life. I never thought I was to be this happy. And though that happiness has faded into a sour aftertaste with this impending doom that I face, I can't help but still cry those tears of happiness when he asked for my hand. I had judged him wrongly from the very beginning. What I perceived as arrogance was his charm. What I saw as imperfections was merely my own skewed visions. What I perceived as black and white, was in truth his brilliance. _

_It takes time to heal. That is one thing I've learn while I was here. It always takes time to heal. No matter how deep the wound, it'll eventually heal. I had once placed so much trust in the person I called my 'best friend' I thought the two of us would be inseparable. I remember so well the day we met, I think the first thing I called her out on was how pale she was. Leigh, Leigh, Leigh, if I could turn back the hands of the clock, if I could just walk back to that time and see what I did wrong would I understand why you left me? _

_I don't think so. _

_Whatever friendship we had had no doubt been suddenly severed by the two of us. I won't blame it on you, I won't blame it on myself, rather, I blame it on time. I blame it on the intangible thing that had separated us. Maybe it was I who wasn't the good friend. Maybe it was you who was fickle with what you wanted in life. Either way, I think the split between the two of us would have happened eventually anyways. But you know, as much as it hurt back then when I read your letter, as much as I wanted throw something, as much as I wanted to hate you. I couldn't help but to accept the facts. _

_And above all, I forgive you. _

_You had your reasons for leaving, whether they concerned me or whether they concerned yourself, I couldn't care too much anymore. I still love you deeply somewhere in my heart, I can tell you this much, and I still miss you. You're still my friend, even though you may not consider it anymore. _

_Beyond all this angst, beyond all of this writing, I found a family here in Korea, an older brother, a young child, and most of all, a husband. I can't begin to fathom how it all really happened, how the three of you guys had somehow found a way to get under my skin and become so close to me that I regard you as family. _

_I suppose I should first start out with the older brother figure, Hankyung. There are so many things that you've helped me out with, whether you know it or not. Your ability to comfort me when I was absolutely miserable is astounding. I remember the first time I saw you, You were wearing white, there were feathers painstakingly being plaster onto the side of your face by the assistants. I truly thought you were an angel then. _

_You still are in my heart. That image of that night still remains fresh in my mind, I had thought I couldn't be any lonelier when you had told me that I wasn't needed for the rest of the concert. I thought my mood couldn't be any worse. But at the same time, that image brought me hope, it somehow was a comforting image that I refer to when I stopped believing in God. In a sense, you had become a guardian without me knowing it. You had found it in your heart to accept me as someone more than what I was hired to do. You had found it in your heart to love and protect me, something that I thought I didn't want, something that I thought only the weak pleaded for. _

_But that protection was the very thing that I needed. _

_Words were the thing that I had always wanted to master, words, the swirling masses of letters combined to create art. I wanted to have a mastery over them. And yet, I can only offer these simple combinations to express my gratitude for what you've done to my life. You've changed it in more ways than you or I know. And sadly, the only words that I can think of are 'thank you.' They seem so petty for the magnitude of things that you've done. They seem so feeble against the feats that you had accomplished. But they are the only things that I can think of to say. _

_Sungmin, the first time I met you, I was hung over with the headache of the century. You had found pity in your heart for miserable me to help me. I suppose that meeting was fate, destiny if you will. I guess it was from that so much more happened and somehow, you became our child. I couldn't have asked to raise a better son than you. Your constant cheer, your constant sense of happiness. You have no idea how much it's helped me through the gray days. _

_You have no idea how much you've affected my hatred of everything here. _

_I had originally thought, that there wouldn't be a time when I could ever like anything here. I thought, that I could live here with the hate, with a vengeance and with a passion for nothing but my goal I could live through this ordeal. Yet, you showed me how tiring hatred is. There's so much you've taught me, whether you're aware of that or not. And I am grateful for all the informal lessons. All your laughing, all your random attacks on my life, each one of them was worth it. Because I got to know you better as a person and not the celebrity that the company had introduced me to. I'm grateful for everything you've done. _

_Yunho. I don't even know where I should start with you. There's a whole novel with what the two of us have experienced. There is so much that I should say, and so much that I want to. But, I cannot say it. There is nothing, nothing in this world that could describe my reason for my 'yes.' I'm sure you know quite well yourself that when you first met me, I was the last person in the world that you would have thought to wed. And yet, somehow, we found it in ourselves to find how perfect we are together. _

_Nothing can be said about how much I love you. _

_As there are no words that I can use to express it. I will leave it at that. _

_Yunho, Saranghaeyo. _

_I love you._

_Te Amo._

_Ik houd van u._

_Je t'aime._

_Do you want it back wards? You Love I. I'll spell it out for you if it isn't clear. I L-O-V-E Y-O-U._

_Not a day passed when I didn't think of you. Not a day went by when you made my heart skip a beat, when you pulled at my heartstrings when I saw you with someone else. There wasn't a moment when your face left my mind, there wasn't a moment after I met you face to face that I could get it out. Not even after Raphael and I met again, not after Leigh left, not after Nana died, not after all of that did you leave my mind. _

_I love you. _

_Three simple words. Nothing more, nothing less. Spoken in every language possible, translated into every tongue in the world. They still mean the same thing. _

_The sky is such a dismal gray color. A lot like what I had once thought this whole world was. I had once thought how miserable it all was until you three made everything worth so much more. The three of you, my princes in every way. _

_And I thank you for that. _

_I end this with what I feel is possibly the one poem that has been able to bring me hope in my previous dark times. I can only hope that it brings you some light should I never be there to tell it to you myself._

**When I have seen by Time's fell hand defaced  
The rich-proud cost of outworn buried age;  
When sometime lofty towers I see down-razed  
And brass eternal slave to mortal rage;  
When I have seen the hungry ocean gain  
Advantage on the kingdom of the shore,  
And the firm soil win of the watery main,  
Increasing store with loss, and loss with store;  
When I have seen such interchange of state,  
Or state it self confounded to decay,  
Ruin hath taught me thus to ruminate  
That Time will come and take my love away.  
This thought is as a death which cannot choose  
But weep to have that which it fears to lose**.

"Miss... It's time for lights out." 

"Of course." 

"If anything happens in the middle of the night, please don't hesitate to call."

"I won't"

"Good night then, Miss. Mogami."

"Good night." 

And the rest was silent. 

_For there is a special providence in the fall of a sparrow. _


	40. Chapter 39

**Chapter 39: Ni Ting De Dao? Wo Shou Ai Ni (Can You Hear it? I Said Love you)**

_Dedicated to all those silent readers out there who haven't said anything. Also dedicated to those haters out there who still read this fanfic and said nothing. Also dedicated to those who hated this and left a message. This one's for you. _

I had often thought about what comes after death. Was there a place beyond where I could watch from above the man that I loved? Was there a place beyond where I could continue to be? Or would there be nothing but silence? 

It's odd, the feeling of a last day. A day to always be remembered as something tragic, something sad, something so far beyond all the fairy tales that I used to believe in. There was never any happily ever after meant for me. There was never anything written for me except a miserable ending for a miserable person like me. 

Today was the day they have dated my death. I can only hope that the doctors were indeed wrong. I can only hope that there's something left for me to look forward to. But somewhere, deep down inside, I knew there was no hope. There was nothing left but to wait for the knock of death at my door. Part of me wanted it to be over with, part of me wanted it to last forever. 

Part of me wanted to see the man I loved at concert. Part of me just wanted to sleep, and part of me just wanted to do nothing but to wait for that knock on my soul's door. 

I had always wanted a prince like in the fairy tales, a prince that would sweep me off my feet and off to a kingdom far, far away. I never really thought that a fantasy like that could ever happen, after all, happily ever after seemed to be non-existent now anyways. But funny how indeed I found a prince in a far away kingdom, funny how I actually found one that was willing to spend a happily ever after with me. 

And it's funny how the person who dreamed of such a life was the one to shatter that fairy tale. 

I want to write him one last song. One last memento before it's all over. And if it's not, then hurray for the two of us. But a forever farewell poem. Yes... that's what I want to name it. My last, poem, a poem for farewells. 

_[iA sword out it's sheath fills the air with death_

_The Wind blows on this moon-less battle ground_

_I brave the dangers alone_

_A good man full of courage_

_Romantic Love_

_is the Past life's debt_

_I can never forget your smile while I am alive_

_The Beautiful woman's tear breaks people's heart_

_What kills people is this woman's burning blush_

_Forever farewell poem_

_Two, three lines_

_I wrote it on the street in a March spring shower_

_If only I still could hold the umbrella and walk beside you_

_Forever farewell poem_

_Two, three lines_

_Who would sing cry for my death?_

_If I could die beside you_

_Then it's worth to have lived _

_Please, do not kiss my hand,_

_It smells of mortality. _

_Your voice was ever soft,_

_Gentle, and low,_

_A beautiful thing in a man._

_Forever farewell poem_

_Two, three lines_

_I wrote it on the street in a March spring shower_

_If only I still could hold the umbrella and walk beside you..._

_Ring, ring, ring[/i_

Ah, the cellphone he had handed me yesterday. Surely it couldn't be he who was calling. At this time it would be the very middle of the concert. There's no way that he would be calling now. 

"... Hello?"

"..."

Silence. There was nothing but dead air for a moment. Of course, it was all a lie, there was no way that he would call me. It's only a prank. He has his job as a celebrity to fulfill. There was no way that this was happening. It was just all a prank. Perhaps Sungmin was calling me to check up on his mother. Perhaps Hankyung was calling to check on me for him, whatever it is, it couldn't be him. It just couldn't. And yet... I couldn't find the strength in me to put down the phone. 

"[i_Clack... click... Clap, clap, clap.../i" _

Applause? Was he calling me... on stage? 

"This one... is for the person that I love the most." 

His voice. His soothing voice and the piano. This was why he wanted me to hold the phone. This was the reason why he told me he would call. It was all, all for this. 

The notes are all the same, everything, everything about it is still the same. But he knew, he knew what I wanted to hear the most. He knew I wanted to hear the completed melody just once. 

"SarangHaeYo, Means I love you." 

No matter how many times he says those words, I'll never get tired of them, no matter how many times he'll sing that song to me, I'll never be able to get weary of his voice. 

The sound of the piano and the sound of his voice, the sound of the words I had written, everything, at last was all in one piece. 

Leave it to him to remember that I wanted to hear this the most.

Leave it to him to know that when everyone abandoned me, he was the last person, the only person who was still there. 

[I _Every part of me belongs to you Saranghaeyo means "I love you"Saranghaeyo means "I love you"_

_It represents how I cannot leave you, every minute, every second, every sound_

_I will tell only you I will love you, and forevermore I will love you, and forevermore _

_Saranghaeyo means "I love you." /i _

Yes, it means 'I love you.' It means so much more than those three simple words though. It means so much more than those words, it means everything that we've gone through, it means all the trials and tribulations we've been through. It means the whole world to me.

It means that he still remembered me when I was alone. 

It means, everything.

And it means nothing. 

I want to believe, believe that we're living in a fairy tale, and then, we could write the ending together. 

Yes, we live in a fairy tale. 

And this is my happily ever after. 

His voice, the very thing I want to hear at the very end. The very thing that I wanted to bring me peace. I never thought he would think to remember me this way. 

[i_Doubt thou the stars are fire,_

_Doubt that the sun doth move,_

_Doubt truth to be a liar,_

_But never doubt that I love._

_Saranghaeyo means "I love you" _

_Saranghaeyo means "I love you"/i_

Yes, saranghaeyo means 'I love you.'

The end isn't silence, there's something beyond the darkness of death.

Look there, look there.

It's just a little beyond. 

Just a little beyond this life of mine. 

"Saranghaeyo... and good night my sweet prince." 

I love you forevermore. 

**[aligncenter[bThe End/b/align**


	41. Epilogue

**Epilogue: Tong Hua (Fairy Tale) **

_Dedicated to all those who were patient enough to deal with me. From the very bottom of my heart, I thank you. As eloquent as I have tried to become, as skilled with words as I want to be, there are none that can truly tell every single one of you how much I have enjoyed working on this fanfic. There is no end to my love for each and every one of you who have dedicated your time to read my work. This last one is for you. Thank you again from the bottom of my heart._

The applause couldn't have been any louder. The tears couldn't have been any more real. The person I loved, the very woman that I had started out hating turned out to be the very person that I couldn't live without. I've become the prince Hamlet that you loved so much. I've become nothing but a mad, raving prince that only wishes to be in your arms. 

I've become nothing. 

I couldn't be the prince of your dreams. 

I couldn't be so many things that I wanted to be. 

You once told me that all fairy tales were lies, but you were the one that was lying. You wanted so badly for a prince to take you away, for someone to protect you against all those horrid things. And I would have been happy to do that for you. 

And now, you've left me. Alone in this world without any hope of ever saying those three words to you ever again. I wonder if I'll ever be the same way before you came along. I wonder if I'll ever be the same person again. I wonder.

"Mister Yunho?"

"Yes?"

"Right before ah... actually, the night before. And right before she died... she had been writing in this. I think it's best that you read it."

"Yes, yes of course."

But you explained nothing to me. 

You never have. Even with this diary as I sit and I read all those words you've written. You've never told me anything. Nothing has ever turned out the way you wanted You've always been this miserable little wretch that stole my heart. You've always been so sad.

But for some reason, whenever you smiled, I thought I could die. 

Don't you understand, Yashi? Don't you?

Wherever you are. I want to grow the wings of hope so that I can support you. I want to grow those wings of an angel so that I can support you. Me, Hankyung, Sungmin, the three of us, as princes, it's our duty to protect our princess. Is it not?

"She... isn't going to wake up is she?" 

"No, Sungmin." 

"She lied to me."

"Yes, but her fairy tale ended happily I think."

"It did, she looks like she's sleeping."

"Hankyung, let's be the angels that she thought you were."

"Yes."

"Yes!"

"Let's write the ending to this fairy tale so that it fits."

"And so that we live happily ever after."

"Yes."

Happily ever after. 

Saranghaeyo, Yashi. Wherever you are. Saranghaeyo. 

You'll forevermore remain in my heart. 

I love you.

And these wings of love from your princes will forever support you wherever you go. 

Together, we'll write that ending. 

[i_Now cracks a noble heart. Good night, sweet princess,_

_And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest./i_

But never forget. Saranghaeyo, means 'I Love You.'


End file.
